“smkLAH”

The thing IS…….I have about 437 faults. One is that many things annoy me. Why can’t the universe be more like me? Never mind, that’s another blog for another time. But I’ll give you an example of why also annoy myself.

It’s bedtime and I’m striving to get comfortable so I can fall asleep. I’m a somewhat delicate and complex mechanism as far as what not to do in bed, in service of getting to sleep, as it may lead to many physical regrets in the morning. Through the myriad decades, I’ve learned to position myself so that primarily, the neck and lower back get protected so I don’t wake up hobbling around the house in the morning, hunched over, neck to the side, moaning “sanctuary!” Because I never miss an opportunity to mock the absurdity of me and if I can get a hunchback gag in, I’ll do it. Basically, I’m sleeping on my right side, facing the side table. Possibly one knee up. Dynamic.

Having cleared the first bed hurdle as I’ve just named it, it’s then a matter of me taming the tiny city of Phlegmopolis that resides in the back of my throat. A serious and infuriating case of post nasal drip that has hounded me for many years and while it’s possible the family has learned to block it out, I never can. I just cleared my throat. It does come in handy for echo location purposes though. The family can usually tell where I am anywhere in the house if they just wait a bit. Just cleared my throat — there he is!

But I digress. Once the clearing of the throat has calmed and the blowing of the nose has receded– a byproduct of clearing the throat, it’s a back and forth teeter totter of phlegmy fun–then I can start to relax. OH…you’re probably thinking “poor Linda! How can she slee–” SHE SLEEPS JUST FINE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. My wife has even odds on being able to sleep through a nuclear war, so she’s okay.

It’s now quiet and I’m trying to rest my mind, pushing away all financial concerns, trying NOT to think of the extraordinarily good or bad entertainment I’ve just seen, etc. Clear the mind, employ some calming method to reach that restive state so that you might drift off. It’s quiet. But then you shift one more time, lift your head slightly off the pillow. You hear the sound.

“smkLAH”  

Here’s the thing. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a human blast furnace that generates heat–probably— but laying on the side of my head on the pillow after a while makes my ear a bit sweaty or greasy whatever, but after it’s smooshed down, when I lift my head, the ear unfolds, expands, flowers out, whatever you want to call it and “smkLAH”.

This bugs the hell out of me. It’s a loud “smkLAH” that I have no choice but to hear because it’s in my ear….it’s my ear! So I have to grab a Kleenex and clean my ear. *Hopefully* NOT beginning the whole multi tier sleep hurdle system once again. Head down. Try again to rest the mind….you know part of the problem is that I’m hyper aware of everything going on with me at all times. Most people can sleep through anything but if I wake up and the ol’ bladder’s 7.3% full, I feel honor bound to empty it. Otherwise, I will focus on that and suddenly, it’s 9.4% full and nature will only advance this progression, I’ll start thinking of waterfalls, mass chaos, so get up, take care of it. 

But what ho…..? How much time has passed now? Sure am warm. Don’t even lift your head. Don’t. Do. It. I’m sure the ear is still pleasantly dry. You can just drift off. Do not lift your head. Envision a hand gently tapping a balloon. Bump…..bump…….bump….hhhhhh………….. I lift my head

“smkLAH”