Snk-KLIK

Do you ever let your toenails get away from you? I swear to god, I clipped the damn things like two weeks ago and I already feel capable of scrambling up a tree with my nuts. Perhaps the squirrel analogy shouldn’t be applied here. 

My wife is fond of reminding me that I once wore a hole in our sheets just by the motion of my feet moving back and forth in bed. One night my foot got caught in the hole I created. 

I felt the pointed nail of shame.

Some say it’s best to cut those toe nails right out of the shower. I disagree. Sure, the nails are soft but good lord, they’re *too* easy to cut at that point. I snipped a tiny part of my little toe off a couple times. That helps no one.

Bu what ho, you say…what does this have to do with the coronavirus?

Nothing. Why do you ask?

So anyway, yes, I clip well away from shower time. Just me and the clippers, folding my tree trunk-like body, attempting to get the littlest toe in a stranglehold that’s twisted it into a position close enough to see what I’m working with. It’s also vital, after clipping the littlest toe to make sure I don’t leave any kind of stupid point to the nail in the middle. Because later that night in bed, there will come a moment when the nail is dragged across the sheet and there’ll be the tiniest *sound* of threads being ripped asunder and that will not stand. And I really don’t want to have to get out of bed, get down on the floor, and start pretzeling myself into the clipping position just to clip the teeny tiny little toe point.

As I was saying, I start at the little toe because it’s the hardest one to wrestle into submission, the smallest, the one most fraught with danger of bloody snipping and of course, it’s the farthest away. After those little bastards, the operation gets easier. Finally, I’m at peace for awhile. But it really seems like almost no time passes and here we go again. That’s one of the many problems with as you get older, time passes more and more quickly the older you get. Suddenly, you’re always hunched over your toes, clipping away. 

I’ll have to do this tomorrow. I swear to god, I feel like they’re so long right now, they’re starting to curl over like Howard Hughes. Time to clip this in the bud before I’m forced to wear Kleenex boxes on my feet!

Hope the sheets hold out.