What Would Pam Do?

My friend Pam loves animals. Bugs. All forms of life*. Even does Bird Rescue. All very noble and compassionate. She would willingly make various forms of sacrifices at any and all times, just for the sake of showing common courtesy to the smallest, tiniest life form (again, *). 

So, whenever there’s an animal in some form of distress, I can’t help but think WWPD? What Would Pam Do?

Now, some or all of you may know of my War with the Squirrels. 

They hate me and barely tolerate me and the feeling is mutual. We have a history. They try and steal from the bird feeder, they gnaw and destroy my front steps, I chase them away and lay down spices and various powders to repulse them.

Yes, one time, one of the little f***ers peed on me– but that’s neither here nor there now.

But at times, there are exceptions. 

Like today, when Matthew, while out for a walk, came upon what seemed to be an injured squirrel or at least one with something wrong with it. It was small, probably an adolescent, and it was not right. Couldn’t seem to move much. Matt assumed it was injured and called me at home. 

I hate the injured animal call because very seldom does it have a happy ending. And very likely, you’re on your own. I told Matt to do a search for animal control or some place that might be able to help, while I grabbed a bottle of water and drove over. At one point, it was squealing but had stopped by the time I got there.

From what I could see, it didn’t even seem injured, just wrong, and moving oddly. I’d wondered if it simply fell a great distance. Perhaps from an extremely high branch, but usually squirrels can take a lot of leaps and crazy landings, so I don’t know. 

I poured a little water into the cap of the bottle and put it in front of him but he didn’t drink it. He was panting heavily though. The humane society branch of Hinsdale just put Matt on hold and the village of Western Springs was somehow closed at noon on a Friday. I knocked on the door of the person whose driveway it was, and asked if they had the police non emergency number and if they wouldn’t mind calling it while we thought of alternatives. She dialed it and put it on speaker, then we were immediately put on hold.

The thought of course crossed my mind What Would Pam Do? And there’s the dilemma. 

Here’s where I basically suck as a person. Well, that might be extreme but moral and ethical practices start to get very flexible here, as far as animal responsibility.

If I *called* Pam, I would be honor bound to blindly follow any and all instructions she might give me. That gave me pause.

There’s probably a sizable gap between the lengths I would go to and the lengths Pam would go to for critters. I once swore a blood oath against a raccoon and then there’s the whole aforementioned squirrel-war thing. 

While Pam has been known to slightly restructure an outside dinner party to accommodate a spider spinning its web. She’s been known to let webs take prominent hold in various places of her home for the comfort of the spider. Her husband Mike had one spider jump in his eye when he came too close to the kitchen sink. She goes to extreme lengths to drive downtown in the wee hours of the morning to rescue birds who’ve been hurt flying into buildings. She’s transported various sick animals hundreds of miles in the dead of night. She is probably the most compassionate person I know when it comes to animals.

The point here is that *knowing* that Pam will do anything and everything on earth for a furry friend, yes, frankly, I was very hesitant to call her. I actually feared the call might go something like this–

I’d call her and give her the scoop and as much detail as I could.

She’d tell me to perform some type of CPR on the animal. 

Put its head in your mouth and blow gently.

Check it’s limbs for awkward orientation, fashion a splint out of twig, I don’t know.

Take it home, put it under a heat lamp, give it a sponge bath, and raise it as your own. 

Name him “Nik-nik” or some such moniker.

All this went through my mind in a split second– because it’s not the first time it’s happened–dealing with an injured animal.

I won’t go into it but like every other time in similar circumstances, before we could even get anyone on the phone to actually tell them about this, the squirrel stopped breathing and it was over. I thanked the other person for the phone, then Matt and I left. 

End of that sad adventure. 

But as always, the thought occurred, WWPD?

So, as I was saying….

*She will move heaven and earth for any animal, bug or plant on earth but if she sees a centipede, she will exterminate it with extreme prejudice.

Just because they creep her out. All the legs, etc. Go figure.

(Thankfully that loophole gives me a lot to work with on the high moral ground if our different wildlife views ever come into conflict.)

I mean, *I* don’t kill centipedes, I rinse them down the drain where they came from. Hey, they have a chance.

Just sayin’.