Page 19

How to Talk a Person through Emergency Situations on the Phone (probably)

In an ongoing effort to not only entertain and reminisce but also to inform, I thought it might be helpful give a few examples of how to help people out in various situations on the phone. Some day, society will create some type of emergency hotline with an easy to remember number and then you can call them. But until we reach that crazy utopia, I think this info I’m about to pass on to you will be invaluable.

Rest assured, these are all official and responsibly recognized as proper phone ettiquette taken from 1970’s television shows, most of them airing in prime time from *each* of three channels. So the following methods *must* be right but for god’s sake, don’t try this at home.

Take note: In each scenario, I will be answering the call and solving problems/saving lives but my demeanor will be reassuring, my voice calm, yet forceful.

>ring<

Me: HELLO. I’M HERE TO HELP.

caller: hey man, I ate some shrooms and the trees are yelling at me…

HEY MAN, I DIG, I DIG. ARE YOU IN A TENT, THE WOODS OR A DOMICILE?

I’m in a tent, man.

GROOVY. THERE HAVE BEEN FRIENDLY WARNINGS ALL DAY AROUND THE FESTIVAL ABOUT THE BROWN MUSHROOMS AND NOT TO TAKE THEM.

Festival?

THAT LAST BAND WAS OUTTA SIGHT. ANYWAY, WHAT KIND OF SHROOMS DID YOU TAKE? THEY WERE NOT BROWN, WERE THEY?

Maybe?

WHAT’S YOUR NAME, MAN?

Billy…

OKAY, LISTEN JAZZ, WE ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.

Thanks man, I —

YOU ARE NOT GONG TO DIE ON ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH.

Wha—

I TOLD YOU, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE, JAZZ, YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TO LIVE FOR. CAN YOU STILL SEE YOUR SURROUNDINGS?

Uh, yeah, I see the tent…

INDUCE VOMITING

Really?

DO IT, DO IT NOW, JASMINE BABY, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE. DO IT DO IT!

>herk<

DID YOU DO IT JAZZ?

Cough- yeah… I made a mess in the tent…

OMAR IS PROUD OF HIS JASMINE, OMAR LOVES YOU BABY!

Wha–

>click<

That one was relatively easy, just keep them talking and induce vomiting. The next one presents a bit more of a challenge:

>ring<

HELLO. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Please help me, the pilot, the co-pilot, and everyone else are all dead, I’m all alone, trying to fly the plane!

WAS IT THE FISH?

What?

ON THE FLIGHT—DID EVERYONE BUT YOU EAT FISH? THEN THEY DIED?

I ….I don’t know, the person sitting next to me did I think. I didn’t, but—

KNEW IT. THEY NEVER LEARN.

What am I supposed to do?

DON’T EAT THE FISH, FOR ONE THING.

I meant about flying the plane! You’ve gotta help me! There’s a mountain!!!!!!

CALM YOURSELF, YOU ARE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF. DO YOU HAVE A PEANUT ALLERGY?

No….why? What does that–

JUST CURIOUS. IT IS THE DAMNEST THING HOW PEANUT ALLERGIES ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE THESE DAYS. DID WE JUST NOT RECOGNIZE IT WAY BACK WHEN OR IS THIS ALL THAT MONSANTO CRAP AGAIN? I CANNOT FIGURE IT.

Listen, please, please tell me what to do, we’re headed straight toward the mountain!!!!

DO YOU HAVE STEERING WHEEL IN FRONT OF YOU?

Y-yes…

WELL THEN TURN AWAY FROM THE MOUNTAIN, HOW HARD IS THIS? OR HERE’S AN IDEA, GO OVER THE MOUNTAIN.

Okay, okay, I’ve got it, we’re turning

HEY, WHAT IS YOUR ALTITUDE? SHOULD BE A DIAL THAT SAYS ALTIMETER AROUND THERE SOMEWHERE, OH, ALSO A LITTLE TINY PLANE GRAPHIC THAT YOU CAN LINE UP IN CROSSHAIRS TO SEE IF YOU ARE LEVEL, I ALWAYS LIKE THAT ONE.

Uh…altimeter says 1,233 feet–now it’s 1,100 feet

YIKES, YOU ARE VIRTUALLY PLUMMETING. CAN YOU FIND AN AIRSTRIP, A STRAIGHTAWAY SECTION OF A HIGHWAY OR A HUGE MEGA-MALL PARKING LOT?

I… I don’t know…

HEY, WHAT IS YOUR NAME, HONEY?

Frank…

OKAY JAZZ-SWEETIE, YOU AND ME, WE ARE GONNA LAND THIS BIRD TOGETHER, OKAY?

O-okay…

FIND AN AIRSTRIP YET, OR A QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD?

No, th-the ocean is getting closer though…

OCEAN? WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?

We were on our way to Seattle…

AH. OKAY, CHANGE OF PLANS. YOU SAID EVERYONE ELSE IS DEAD?

I *think* so but—

OKAY, KINDA AWKWARD, BUT IF THERE IS A CONVENIENT OCEAN AROUND, JUST PUT HER DOWN THERE. BRIGHT SIDE, A LOT LESS PROPERTY DAMAGE, AND WE DON’T HAVE TO REALLY TEST MY KNOWLEDGE ON MAKING A PERFECT LANDING. IN FACT, THIS IS PERFECT! WE HAVE A WHOLE OCEAN TO WORK WITH! I NEVER COULD ACCURATELY ADVISE ON USING THE REVERSE THRUSTERS AFTER YOU SET DOWN ON LAND ANYWAY. YOU WOULD LITERALLY JUST SPEED THROUGH NEIGHBORHOODS, CITIES, ETC. UNTIL YOU CRASHED. THIS, MY BEAUTIFUL JASMINE, IS ALL GOOD NEWS. OKAY, BEFORE YOU HIT THE WATER, PULL BACK ON THE WHEEL, KEEP THAT NOSE UP, GOT IT?

Aaaaaaaaaaaa*

JAZZ?

>click<

All things considered, that ended as best it could. We in the business call that “a convenient ocean placement”. But I hope you took note about keeping the nose of the airplane up. Always keep that nose up. I can’t tell you how many shows employed that advice. Okay, one more to end on. Pretty standard but worth covering.

>ring<

HELLO, THIS HAD BETTER BE IMPORTANT.

Yes, my wife and I are in a restaurant and she’s in labor!

CONGRATS! MY MAN! OKAY, HOW FAR APART…

Contractions are a minute apart and she looks pretty well dilated…

OH, THIS ISN’T YOUR FIRST CHILD?

It’s our sixth…

OH COME ON JAZZ, SERIOUSLY, —SIXTH?! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EVEN NEED ME FOR? THAT LITTLE SUCKER IS JUST GONNA SQUIRT OUT, JUST MAKE SURE YOU’VE GOT BIG CLEAN TOWELS OR CLOTH NAPKINS TO CATCH THE NEW ARRIVAL.

Wahhhhhhh…..

AND, THERE YOU GO.

>click<

That was a bit disappointing– never even got the chance to tell him to tell her to push. But six? Good lord, a sneeze might do it.

Well, I’m exhausted.

This has been the wealth of my knowledge in these matters.

Keep in mind, I’m neither a doctor, nor air traffic controller.

Last helpful tip: At the end of a call, no matter who it is, just utter “You sound delicious.”

Until next time, remember to keep the nose up, because the thing IS.

Doctor Who on vinyl……But Do I Need It?

I’m going to try and lay out just how my thought process worked itself out here.

Okay, so the other day on the Doctor Who companion (a site I regularly contribute to), they previewed another old, 1960’s Doctor Who story that was being released on vinyl for vinyl record day or whatever you call it. A cool story that exists only via soundtrack as it’s one of many stories that were wiped from the BBC 50 years ago to make room for other tapes. This one, “The Massacre of St. Bartholomew’s Eve” takes place in 1572 and leads into the actual bloody historical event.

This latest release got me thinking about some of these special vinyl offerings. Which is dangerous.

Mostly because I’ve done my time in vinyl. I’ve had my collection back when I was a kid, limited as it was because I’ve never been a huge music guy. I practically skipped over cassettes and landed on CD’s, where I still have my biggest collection of music. I don’t think I’ve ever bought more than one or two items all told in two different forms of media, which is pretty good, I think. But even when I was well into CD’s, I still had the whole set up which included a turntable. But I hadn’t bought vinyl in decades even then. I think I finally got rid of the set up around the turn of the century, as you could play the CD’s on the desktop computer and in the DVD players. So away it went.

But now, they task me.

The BBC are putting out these lovely packaged designs with beautiful art on the album covers. I mean, when it comes to art presentation, a good album cover is just about as important as a good comic cover, maybe more so. It can *really* be an experience.

Some of these covers call to me.

And the records themselves — some have very cool designs, different color vinyl, just a very neat part of the whole experience.

Enticing. But I must maintain control. That’s when the rationalization and internal discussion/debate/brawl/fight to the finish begins. One man enters, a beaten man leaves!

I don’t need to start spending money on Doctor Who vinyl.

But it’s some beautiful art.

Some of these deluxe packages are anywhere from $40 to three times that!

Gasoline is expensive too and that doesn’t last. These last.

You always bring up the gasoline argument.

It’s true, I do.

But what about the record player? Those are expensive too!

Not as expensive as you think.

Really?

Yes, I’ve seen some cool record players for like $50.

But they take up space—

Ah—some of them come in little suitcases so they’re mobile and even have a retro look that Linda would like.

Oh, I see what you did there.

Yes, thank you.

Yeah, but speakers–

Built in. Yeah, believe it or not, things have changed a lot since you bought your last turntable 35 years ago. Old man.

I suppose…..and watch it….

Another reason to buy…

Yes?

If you don’t buy a record player, you may need to buy something with a CD player *anyway*, for your Doctor Who soundtrack CD’s. Why not buy a record player with a CD player inside it?

I usually played the CD’s in the Bose DVD player….

You had to get rid of the Bose DVD player when it crapped out.

I used to play them on the iMac…

Your previous iMac with the disk slot. This one doesn’t have one. “Progress”.

Ah, wait, we still have the Bose DVD player in the family room.

Well sure, if you really want to walk all the way over there.

Hmmm. Point. But bottom line, we *do* already have a CD player, and a combo machine like a record player with a built in CD player is more expensive. AND, why get a CD player to play CD’s *and* a record player to play records that have all the same stuff I already have on CD?

True.

And let’s face it, I DO have all the soundtracks and videos of all the DW stories. Diving into the vinyl world for all this would end up costing me anywhere from $500 to $1,000 when it was all said and done, because I know me.

Well yes, it would run up a bill, but gosh, that artwork on The Web Planet…

Yeah…

The Dalek Master Plan….

Mmmmmmm….

MARCO POLO….

GUH! Alright, I’ll tell you what, we just finished paying off the mortgage a few months ago and we just had the house painted.

Okay…

How about we see where we’re at next year? If we have a surplus of cash and the world is still standing and no other cataclysmic event comes to pass, maybe then we’ll buy the pretty albums, hmm?

Deal! You’re the best!

Well, *you’re* a delight!

Everyone’s getting sick of that, ‘cuz I’m really not.

No, of course not. It’s just so absurd it makes me laugh.

Ha! Me too.

And there you have it. I talked myself out of it until next year.

But if you get a chance, check them out.

Some of them are really wonderful.

TV slow binge- The Rockford Files

I’ve always been a James Garner fan, yet I never watched his shows back in the day. Go figure.

He’s always been great in every movie I’ve seen him in yet I don’t think I’ve seen even a small percentage of his movies. Loved him in The Great Escape, Space Cowboys and Murphy’s Romance and, yeah, that’s about it.

Somehow, back in the day, I managed to *not* see his entire run on the Rockford Files. All six seasons slid right by me. But thanks to a zillion channels that play old shows, I finally got to see them all recently.

Jim Rockford wasn’t a superhero who won every fight. He was maybe the most realistic, grounded private eye there ever was. He lost as much as he won and barely scraped by most of the time, with the help of friends like Dennis (a cop), Angel (ex con) and his dad, Rocky, among others. By and large, I always enjoyed every episode I watched. It was always worth it. You can’t say that about a lot of shows. Always some clunkers here and there but not with Rockford. Almost consistently a quality ride.

THE ROCKFORD FILES — Pictured: James Garner as Jim Rockford — (Photo by: Fred Sabine/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank)

Speaking of which, Garner did all his own stunt driving in the show, which was pretty impressive. Usually studios don’t let their actors do possibly dangerous stunts but with Garner, arrangements were always just a bit different. He must have set up contracts a bit differently when he took on a job. Things could also get contentious.

During the years filming the beloved show (from ’74 to ’80), Garner was pushing 50 and he had really bad knees, so running was always a nightmare for him. I guess he wanted to take off some time to get surgery but the studio wouldn’t let him, citing too much time away from shooting, which of course pissed him off.

He eventually left the show in the middle of the sixth season, and I think was embroiled in legal action with the producers.

It seemed to be a recurring theme in his career.

Side note: one of the main writers on the show was a young David Chase, who’d go on to create The Sopranos.

But he did return for a series of Rockford TV movies in the ’90’s but I can’t say I’ve seen them yet either. At some point I will and, knowing Garner, and Rockford, I won’t be disappointed.

I’ll talk about his other and *first* famous role next time: Maverick.

The Superior Spider-man – part one

This is a bit tricky. See, I do like the concept of Spider-man, but for a long while now, it’s become its own worst enemy. Please bear with me as I lay the groundwork with what has gone before, which will highlight my appreciation for the main focus of this entry. To do that, you have to remember where Spider-man and Peter Parker came from and who they were.

Now, for those of you coming in a half century late and missing the movies…

When the comic started back in the early ’60’s, it featured wimpy loser and nerd Peter Parker, a 15 year old high school student who lived with his aunt and uncle, who were drawn to look 65. Granted, that was just how artist Steve Ditko drew things.

Peter was a science nerd and was bitten by a radioactive spider while observing an experiment. The incident gave him the proportionate strength, speed and agility of a spider, along with the ability to stick to walls and a sixth sense about any approaching danger, a “spider-sense”.

Young Parker immediately took advantage of the situation, first fashioning a costume and then by cashing in by crashing wrestling bouts and appearing on tv, grabbing fat stacks of cash. He was a fast star, The Amazing Spider-man! The power and fame immediately went to his head. So much so, that when the arrogant youth had the chance to stop a fleeing robber from the police, he let a thief getaway. When the cop asking him why he didn’t lift a finger to help, especially with his abilities, Peter said it wasn’t his problem.

So the robber who he let get away, scrammed out of Manhattan, found his way all the way over to Queens, broke into the Parker household and just happened to kill Peter’s Uncle Ben, during the break in. Oops.

Spider-man tracked the villain down and saw it was –amazingly– the same robber HE let get away downtown!

GUILT.

Now realizing that With Great Power, there Comes Great Responsibility, Peter becomes a devoted, selfless hero fighting crime to never let something like what happened to uncle Ben ever happen again. And you’ve got one of the most successful superhero franchises in the history of comics.

And for at least a good decade or more, the book was firing on all cylinders.

Young Peter did great work, fighting against the likes of Doctor Octopus, the Sandman, Green Goblin, and more. There was an interesting contrast in this young kid, still in high school, having to tackle these dangerous types, while at the same time caring for his doting, aged, sickly, withered aunt May.

Even though the creative team steering the book (Stan Lee, Steve Ditko) had Peter graduate high school and go to college, he was still plagued with every day troubles. He was always strapped for cash and May was always halfway into rigor-mortis. He was constantly berated by his boss at the Daily Bugle, who he took pics for as a photog, had to keep his grades up and all the while, trying to make time with the ladies, in particular, the wonderful Gwen Stacy.

The point is, if ever there was a relatable superhero secret ID, Peter Parker was it. He was every nerd, every kid who had trouble, an underdog, someone who pined for someone who ignored you, you name it. And even in the late ’60’s/early ’70’s, when Peter was finally getting into a somewhat stable relationship with Gwen, he still had the old Parker luck, where things went bad just as often as good.

Mind you, even though it’s now 1973, and the book had already been around for a decade, it *had* to keep going. Month after month. And since the creators didn’t tend to think in terms of these titles lasting over 50 years, they started to progress the characters life, taking Peter from high school to college and getting him into a serious relationship. The kind of relationship that would have stood the test of time.

So…..where do you go from here? After a decade of web slinging, the creators found themselves painted into a bit of a corner.

Time passes differently in comics.

Peter could have easily stayed in high school for the decade, thus ensuring it would be another decade or more in college and maybe the ’90’s before the next stage of his life but no, Lee and Ditko busted him out of high school in issue 28, 1965. Back then, the characters were almost aging in real time, which again, Stan and Steve weren’t thinking long term at ALL.

So now, a decade later in ’73, editor Roy Thomas and writer Gerry Conway decide the only interesting thing they can do is kill off Gwen Stacy.

They do.

Then what follows is 40 years of Peter getting older, marrying Mary Jane Watson, who’s now a supermodel, dealing with loads of clones, revealing his ID to the public…..

….This was not really the relatable young nerd with problems anymore. Peter was married to a supermodel and was gainfully employed. Yeah, he still had problems but come on……so……

…….Editorial made him make a deal with the devil to make the public forget his ID AND make like his marriage never happened ……. and just stuff like that in general, lacking a lot of inspired creativity or common sense.

No one really knew what to do with the character anymore to keep him moving forward yet remain the same. It’s kind of a no win scenario. Admittedly, most of the time, I wasn’t interested anymore. Especially in the new directions the creators were taking him.

And then came The Superior Spider-man.

Dan Slott was writing the book and frankly, it was the same old same old, but then he got an interesting idea.

Otto Octavius (Doctor Octopus), was on his deathbed, barely being kept alive by machines. But his brilliant mind had a back doorway escape clause. He managed to insert his consciousness from his dying body into Peter’s mind and vice versa. Now, Otto was in command of Spider-man’s body while Peter lay trapped in Otto’s slowly rotting carcass. It was horribly, fiendishly brilliant.

Slott plays it perfectly, though. Peter manages, through sheer force of will to hang on, in order to stop Otto. Peter manages to get some villainous assistance to break him out and “plot revenge” on Spider-man, with the actual plan being trying to figure out how to get the minds switched back. It ain’t pretty.

Otto switched minds with Peter by injecting him with some kind of probe in the back of the skull which facilitated the switch. When the two finally confront one another, the dying Parker tries to duplicate the injection/switch but Ock was ready for him, shielding the back of his skull.

*Usually*, this would have been where the hero takes back his mind and wins the day. But he fails. As his life fades away, Peter Parker locks eyes with Octavius. And BOTH men see Peter Parker’s life flash before their eyes. It has an effective on Otto.

Peter Parker is dead.

Doc Ock has won.

He is now The Superior Spider-man.

To be concluded next Friday.

Porn for Ticks

It sure is lonely out here in the woods all by myself…

It’s Not Their Year

Admittedly, the 2020 baseball campaign, like everything else, is a mess because of COVID but, after a bumpy start and a few groups of idiots screwing it up for everyone, they’ve actually made a go of it. Now, the season’s already two thirds of the way over and I think it’s safe to say 2020 is not the Cubs year.

Or I should say, the way they’re playing, they don’t look like World Series contenders.

Sure, they’ve been in first place the whole time but the rest of the central sucks as well. If the Cubs stayed on their game, they’d be 35 and 5 now. Since the 13 and 3 start, they’ve barely been playing .500 ball.

The Cardinals are probably a better team as a whole right now– which ALSO isn’t saying much. A bunch of them being idiots disregarding COVID protocols at the beginning of the year *really* screwed up their schedule. With tons of double headers coming up for them, they’re going to be put through the wringer, so who knows if they’ll be too beat up for the play offs?

But they will get in the playoffs. The majority of the teams will get in the playoffs. Because of course they will with the new set up. Because baseball, in its ongoing mission to cater to those with an ever shorter attention span is continuing to try and be flashier.

16 of the 30 teams will be in the playoffs. It may be more than, I’ve lost track with the other changes. The designated hitter is universal now, which, yeah, sure fine, less like professional ball, less strategy and tactics.

*Yes, I’ve always considered the American League a lesser league because the DH. Always felt lazy and pathetic and now it’s universal. Way to go.

Extra innings starts a runner at second every time. Sure, why not, let’s hurry it up before someone’s mom calls them home to eat. Just seems more and more like little league than the MLB with all that.

The one change I do think is an improvement is that a reliever has to stay in to face a minimum of three batters. I like that because in recent years, the micro match ups had gotten RIDICULOUS in the late innings. It was very common to have three or four pitching changes for relievers to face four or five batters in an inning. It got very tiresome seeing a half inning go 40 minutes just because if all the extra warm up tosses.

But back to the Cubs. They should make the playoffs as well, but as I was saying before, I’m not getting a great vibe. Sometimes you just know you’ve got something special when they’re coming from behind or are just dominant throughout any given series or they simply live up to their potential. You get that vibe. That hasn’t been the case for years now with the Cubbies.

Oh, there are bright spots. Yu Darvish is absolutely killing it. As of the 2019 All Star break, he’s been one of the best pitchers in the game and he’s a definite candidate for a Cy Young right now. He truly doeshave the most astounding array of pitches in his arsenal. And he’s *really* gelling with Victor Caratini, his catcher. They’ve got a GREAT system in place that you do not want to mess with. This is what Theo paid for three years ago but Yu has arrived. I just wish he wasn’t almost alone in this.

Ian Happ and Jason Hayward are also having career years. It took Jay-Hey five years to get his mojo back but he’s killing it and Happ is one of the best sluggers in baseball right now. More power to them.

But the reason we’re dying on the vine are the big boys. Rizzo is slowly getting back in the swing of things but too slowly. Contreras is coming back as well.

But the two biggest disappointments have been Bryant and Baez. Who’d have thought these two would be batting under .200? Is it a coincidence that both have infants at home, Bryant’s first and Javy has another on the way? Maybe the boys aren’t getting enough sleep because *something’s* distracting them. And it doesn’t help that Bryant is, as my friend Lou says “The man of glass.” He recently fouled a ball off his groin and I feared he’d have to retire.

Bottom line, as a team, they’re not hitting with any consistency and don’t even get me started on how embarrassing they are this year when the base’s are loaded.

And I know exactly where it all went wrong this year. After the 13 and 3, everybody started crowing about how it felt like 2016 again. Every time this mentality would hit in ’17, ’18 or ’19, they’d downshift into some BS complacency mode and here we are. They did the same thing last year, barely keeping their head above water and found themselves not even reaching the playoffs.

It’s not even the starting rotation’s fault. Beyond Darvish–Lester, Hendricks and Mills have usually kept the damage to a minimum but the bats aren’t there. All I’m hearing are same tired excuses I’ve been hearing the last three seasons.

The relief pitching. Not much good to say. Kimbrell’s only good when there’s no pressure. (?!) Well, we’ve got Jeffress anyway.

I was hoping that Rossi would come in and kick these guys in the asses, since Maddon wasn’t the last couple years. The whole thing about him coming in was that he was going to hold people accountable. The good start may have short circuited that. Don’t know.

I think we just have to face the fact that yes, there was a time when — on paper– this team was good enough to make it to the World Series at least two or three times in these five years– basically more like the Dodgers. We thought we were looking at a dynasty.

In reality, it was something different. In ’16, you had a group of players at their peak, energized and coming through in the clutch. It was a perfect chemistry. But clearly, that chemistry changed and they’ve been regressing steadily every since. The window has officially closed on the dynasty bit. Another year or two and the make up, the players on this team will have very little in common with the championship version.

It’s a shame but hey, no one can be *too* bummed. We had 2016. My grandfather was a lifelong Cubs fan, lived for 88 years, but was only one year old when the Cubs last won it all. I had to wait until I was 54, but at least I got to see it.

When it comes to Chicago team championships, it looks like the Cubs took the path of the Bears instead of the Bulls. I can live with that.

And frankly, anything is possible in baseball. This screwy, stupid season, with the new playoff structure–anything can happen. It would just be nice if, just for a couple weeks starting at the end of September, Javy, Bryant, Rizzo, Contreras, Caratini, Kipnis, Heyward, Schwarbs, Happ and Hoerner could all get hot for awhile at the same time. And yeah, get better relief pitching otherwise, don’t bother.

We just have to hope Rossi can light the right fire.

The Big Three Oh!

Although she may tell you it feels like 300 years, today marks Linda and my 30th anniversary.

We might even be daring enough to go out to eat, if the desired establishment has a COVID plan in place.

We’re crazy impulsive, we are.

*Next* year on September 9th, a year from tomorrow, is 40 years to the day we’ve known each other.

So, in a way, hopefully, maybe, we can actually take a trip somewhere in honor of the anniversary if things have somewhat changed for the better. We’ll see. If things remain in lockdown, so be it.

If I had to be locked down with someone, I’m happy it’s with her.

She’s always been there for me, and god knows the past year has tested everything.

Even before all that, whenever there’s been a nasty situation, she’s reminded me that there are always options.

She’s my better 3/4.

And I don’t know what I’d do without her.

Fall can’t get here fast enough

Over the couple weeks when I’ve gone out first thing in the morning for the run, I’ve noticed the change. Gettin’ a bit cooler, and the scent of honeysuckle in the air.

At least, what I imagine honeysuckle would smell like, as I don’t know what it looks like, or smells like. But as I run along a certain stretch, there is a sweet smell.

It’s a comforting smell. It’s one of those smells you’re familiar with because it’s a timeless scent of nature. You smelled it outside when you were a kid, whether that was one year ago, or a hundred.

It’s that “back to school” smell, too, whether that’s actually at school or at home this year. Either way, the nature smells are there. Freshly cut grass. Or when you can tell it’s going to rain in a minute.

It’s all usually leading into Labor Day weekend.

Time was, you’d have part of your weekend carved out for the Jerry Lewis telethon.

That’s long gone, or at least I haven’t bothered to watch it since Jerry left.

And even then, the fascination of staying up late when I was a kid slowly transformed into the cynical adult watching to see what kind of train wreck Jerry would create.

I’ve never given much thought to what Jerry smelled like.

That’s for the best.

Enjoy Labor Day.

Animating Doctor Who’s Marco Polo- the proposal

The BBC occasionally has a good idea here and there. Committing to animating some of the 1960’s missing episodes of Doctor Who is one of them.

They started out small, animating certain missing episodes to compliment the existing eps of certain stories.

The Invasion. The Ice Warriors. Reign of Terror. The Tenth Planet. The Moonbase. This enabled them to get these “completed” stories out on DVD. Okay, fair enough.

Then, for whatever reasons, they leveled up. They animated the never transmitted Shada from the Tom Baker era.

They began targeting completely missing stories to animate. All six parts of The Power of the Daleks, Troughton’s first adventure, animated in both color and black and white. This was quite a leap in budget and commitment, going all or nothing. But factions within BBC Worldwide that included BBC America probably wanted more Doctor Who stories both complete and available in color. The Macra Terror, Fury from the Deep and even more telling, ALL six parts of a The Faceless Ones, even though two eps exist on film! This was a huge turnaround– the BBC animating something they don’t *have* to?

It does make sense from a financial perspective, that *it’s worth the extra money to go the extra mile*. AND it’s even better for DVD sales.

It’s in this spirit that I feel I have to once again pledge my devotion to the notion of animating Marco Polo.

Yes, it’s seven parts. Yes, animators and budgets are screaming that it’s too much work and cost prohibitive to animate so many characters in period piece costumes. But hold on.

I’m not just suggesting that you spend a lot of money on animating the seven parts in both color and black and white. You’ve already been doing that.

No, I’m suggesting you spend a lot *more* money doing even MORE than that.

Bring back Waris Hussein, the original director –who still seems to be active in the industry and pretty spry for his age. Have him participate.

Waris directed both the first story, an Unearthly Child and Marco Polo. And he usually had to do so under less than favorable conditions and circumstances.

Originally, my idea was that he come back and in looking over the production stills, sets, listening to the existing audio track, he might have some fun reimagining certain camera shots, angles, etc. a slightly different vision, enabled by the freedom of animation.

Remember, back then, these directors had almost no budget, nothing to work with, yet quite often still managed to wow the audience with their ingenuity. Waris, especially. This would be an opportunity to let Mr. Hussein have some fun he was denied before.

And lest we forget, this was a story as told from Polo’s POV, narrating the adventure as he wrote in his journal and we were even treated to map graphics showing the progress on their long journey. This was not only a well written story, it was unique and inventive.

This reimagining of the story would be an event. Being able to see MP in all its glory.

And beyond that, even more options. Yes, you’d have the standard adventure in seven parts, in both color and black and white. But I think there’d be an opportunity for Waris to cut together a complete movie version of the serial. No, not one of those annoying cut down versions to save time. Bah.

No, though some padding would be cut out, an interesting option be Waris presenting it as a movie in its own right. It still might two hours or more, just without unnecessary bits and cliffhanger gaps.

AND, I think if these suggestions find their way to the BBC, I think the long term financial benefits would become clear.

First, you’d have the event and publicity that is this story once again coming to life with the return of Waris Hussein.

You’d have the DVD and blu-ray sales with this adventure. I know I and many others would buy it.

Then, you’d also have the entirety of William Hartnell’s first season to solicit for sale on blu-ray. Again, I and many others would buy this as well.

So yes, the down side would be the animation team charging extra for animating the extras, the costumes and the animals. But…

Worth it though, don’t you think?

The Greece Trip

This was our 2007 trip, the follow up to Italy two years earlier. Not nearly as successful though. Some things went really well, others definitely did not. The plan was to fly into Athens, then take a cruise around the islands.

Our proposed ship was the state of art, most technologically advanced cruise ship around and had only been on one or two trips. We were very much looking forward to this. Too bad it sunk three months before our trip.

I guess these competing cruise ships and competing tour groups are more competitive than you think. While approaching a certain island, our super-ship tried to cut in line of the other ships, all jockeying for prime parking position. I guess it is very important to get as close as you can to shore in order to have shorter trips back and forth for the tender boats transporting people.

The brand new, young captain of our brand new proposed super-ship tried an end run around the others and proceeded to rip open the bottom of the ship on the rocks. They had to abandon ship. I called my travel agent. “Was that our ship?” after a slight hesitation, “Yes”. But everyone was assured we’d get a good ship to replace it.

Well, we got a ship. A 40 year old Swedish model, whose interiors had many facelifts in the intervening decades. Depending on which grand hall or dining room you waltzed through, you felt as though you’d entered the 1970’s or ’80’s. But interestingly, not the 1990’s or later. Also, the pool was out of service. One consolation, we did have an awesome room, best on the ship, FWIW.

Among the memorable stops on the cruise, we visited Turkey, more specifically, the ancient ruins of Ephesus. These were remains from a vast Roman city, some of it still intact, such as the amphitheater. There’s even the vast midway where Marc Antony and Cleopatra strolled to much fanfare. It was all quite impressive.

Mykonos was an interesting little place with windmills but little else. There was also a massive lack of organization as far as crowd control, as masses of people all tried to get on too few buses to get them back to their ships. It was an exercise in near panic.

The crown jewel of the trip though was Santorini and the city of Oia (Eee-ah). It’s a bit of a process getting there, though. It’s basically a city built into a sheer cliff a thousand feet high. Now, I *think* you can fly onto the top of the cliff via puddle jumper aircraft but that’s probably real pricey. The more common methods of reaching the top are A) tour bus, B) sky tram, C) donkey.

The tour buses have to take this extreme upward grade back and forth, I don’t know how many times. The sky tram is the faster and most crowded to wait for but it’s a straight shot. The donkeys take you up these giant staircases, with really long, flat wide stairs that they can climb, several times back and forth, up and up. I can’t imagine climbing those stairs. There are allegedly a thousand of them on these staircases that go back and forth like 20 times. I know of only one man who climbed these stairs, Brian Robson. Some say he went mad later in life after licking a desiccated, unclean raccoon skull.

We went up via bus and arrived in Oia. Little stairs, little shops, beautiful cafes and always a stunning view. I mean, you’re a thousand feet up, looking out over the sea. I guess people come and stay there just for the sunsets, and I can believe it. We would have liked to stay there for a week. Unfortunately, we had to get back down to the ground, and the tender boats to get back to the ship. Meaning we could spend no more than an hour in Oia. Yeah, the total lack of sensibility in their planning schedule sucked. We should have been able to spend the whole day there.

So the hour was almost up and that meant we had a certain amount of time built in for getting back down to sea level. I guess all ship people have to be off the island by 8pm. There were no more buses running, so we had three options. One, the sky tram, but the line was crazy backed up and with one round trip taking like 15 minutes, I seriously doubted we’d make it back in time. Two, ride the donkeys down the thousand steps. Not sure how long that would take, as I’m not sure how fast the donkeys trot. Three, we RUN down the steps. We chose option three, as I had more faith in us getting down there on our own power than options one or two. Off we went.

I said earlier that I couldn’t imagine going up the thousand, giant steps. Obviously, going down would be easier but trickier than I thought. And Linda was wearing flip flops. Kudos to her to agreeing to this, although we didn’t have a lot of choices. It also wasn’t like running down regular stairs. The timing was very different. You had to take a few running steps then down a step, make about 20 or 30 of them, hit the turn, do it all over again. I lost count how many giant staircases there were going down, I just kept thinking, go, go, go, because even though we took the fastest option, it was going to be tight. Because of the island rules, it was specifically stated that the last tender boat had to leave the dock at 8pm, no exceptions. No excuses.

The main obstacles we had as we were racing down the stairs, fueled by adrenaline, were the donkeys. This was *their* staircase after all and packs of them would amble up the stairs, heading to the top because it’s what they do all day long. I would end up running ahead of Lin, hitting the turnaround and announcing if there were any donkeys coming, and if they were coming up on the left or the right. The staircases were about 25 feet wide as well, to accommodate the herds. As we trampled down the stairs as fast as we could, the only other obstacle was the donkey dung. Lots and lots of donkey dung. Linda had flip flops on. You don’t want dung on your flip flops.

That’s a different story.

Finally, with a few minutes to spare, we made it to the tender boat and back to the ship, utterly exhausted and starving. We ordered in room service and just lay on the floor of our stateroom eating burgers.

Back we went to Athens for another day before heading back home. Did a little shopping, etc. But I really was enchanted by Oia and Santorini in general. I wouldn’t mind going back there if it were at all financially feasible.

Oia.