The Big Disney Trip

It was probably around a decade ago that the four us made THE trip to Disney World. We’d been there a few times before when the kids were younger but now they were in their early to mid teens and we’d passed the point of having to constantly keep an eye on them, which made for a more relaxing trip in general. We did an 8 day trip through Christmas itself with full park hopper passes/fast passes, so we could go anywhere, anytime. 

Having had experience going there in the past, I formulated a plan to take maximum advantage of the parks, without utterly exhausting everyone with walking 10 hours a day. The plan was simple — generic example: First day, you get up early, go the Magic Kingdom, maybe hit something like the Haunted House and Pirates of the Caribbean and maybe something else. It’s first thing in the morning, so you’re able to hit all three without much of a wait, then, as the crowds start to get thicker, you leave the park, taking note of a couple more rides you want to go on. *Those* you go on in a few days, when you start with this park again. Mid day, you take it easy, maybe have lunch at one of the countries in Epcot, but basically lounge a bit. Then, you’re fresh and ready for the afternoon session, maybe hitting Animal Kingdom, going on a couple rides, while making notes of the most popular ones, and to hit *those* when you start the day with the AK. After dinner, you can hit a third park, hit a couple rides that are available, make notes for the morning, etc. and with 8 days to play with, you can start the day with each of the parks at least twice while you’re there. 

This worked really well. We never had to rush or compete or jockey for position. We pretty much hit all the highlights in all the parks. Some twice. I think my favorite of all was Expedition Everest, in the Animal Kingdom. It was the ultimate in design/ride/experience. The atmosphere as you wait in line is pure Tibetan, as you see the great mountain in the distance, a beautifully constructed mini mountain that the coaster runs through. It starts out as a coaster as you pierce the mountain but then slows and stops *inside*, as ahead, right around the bend, you see shadows of where the track has been destroyed, broken and bent, as another shadow, that of a giant yeti is roaring and coming toward you. The coaster starts to slowly back up and escapes from the advancing mountain, then does the whole coaster ride backward to the end. Simply brilliant and beautiful. We went on it at night and during the day. Lots of great experiences there as always. The dinosaur ride in Epcot was great, Soarin’ was fantastic. So many great rides, plus the old favorites. 

And the food. Oh, do yourself a favor and make reservations a few days in advance for dinner or lunch at some of the countries in Epcot. We had a late lunch in Canada as per a recommendation and we had steak with mushroom risotto that was maybe the best I’d ever had. 

The weather was just about perfect the entire time. Florida around Christmas is usually sunny, in the 50’s or 60’s during the day, perfect for walking around the park. We really only had one night where it dropped down into the 30’s when we were at an outdoor concert, but the rest of the time, it was perfect. The crowds were moderate at worst, allowing us plenty of time and usually pretty short lines, except smack dab in the middle of the day, when we were on siesta. Really, the only day it got crazy busy packed with people was our last day there. It got so crowded, I guess it was December 29th or so, that they actually had to put up the “PARK IS FULL” sign. it worked out perfectly for us though, as we’d already hit everything we wanted to go on via “the plan”. 

When it comes to evaluating a vacation, sometimes it comes down to “how little went wrong?” In this case, pretty much nothing went wrong. We had a relaxing plan, worked like a charm, saw everything, had fun, ate like kings and queens. Lin and I pretty much decided that it was *such* a comprehensively good time all around, we probably wouldn’t have to ever come again. There’d be no way to top it.

At best, we might go there some day with the grandkids.

ABSOLUTELY NO RUSH ON THAT, because the thing IS.

Follicular Mane-crafting

With a full seven months of unabated hair growth since January first, I find that the longer my hair gets, the tighter and thicker the curls get, *especially* on the sides and the back. Well, the back …. I may as well have a poodle sitting on the back of my head at this point, that’s how thick it is.

 

My wife and daughter have viewed it as a creative outlet and, having nothing better to do most days, I relented to their pleas. 

Evidently, the waves on top were inspiration enough for several seascapes and a setting of ocean danger. 


Look out, Johnny! ‘Tis the Kraken!


And I’m assuming its Flipper to the rescue.


I have no idea what all they added but blue paint was involved. 


HAIR!

“The Swedes” from The Umbrella Academy- Very Probably not Plagiarism…

I’m currently half way through the second season of The Umbrella Academy, a very well done show on Netflix. It tells the story of seven people with various superpowers who were all born on the exact same day 30 years ago under very mysterious circumstances. Each were also purchased as infants by the eccentric scientist and inventor, Reginald Hargreeves. He then adopted and molded them into a world saving team known as The Umbrella Academy.  

The series is based on the comic books of the same name by Gerard Way and Gabriel Ba. Before the Netflix series, I really hadn’t heard of the comic, but the tv series isn’t an exact adaptation of the series, in that I guess things are shuffled around and changed for the sake of the adaptation by showrunner Steve Blackman. Some story elements and characters were created specifically for the show and were not created in the earlier comic.

That’s all well and good but IN this second season, imagine my surprise when I was introduced to a trio of white haired, silent Nordic assassins who are referred to as “The Swedes”. 

Heyyyyyy…

Now, yes, MY graphic novel, The Swede, debuted last year, and featured a quiet, white haired assassin as well, albeit not some time traveling version, just the garden variety assassin that has a penchant for snapping necks, but still, The Swede.

Another big difference between The Swede and The Swedes, is that my character prefers working with his hands, while the trio is loaded up with tons of guns. 

Is it at ALL slightly possible that Steve Blackman saw something of my character in an ad or a visual somewhere and was influenced? Yes. Is it *likely*? Probably not.

Because they started filming season two a year ago, so it’s undoubtedly just a coincidence and a tangential one at that. Plus, that’s a tv show and they hadn’t used The Swedes in the comic. 

However…. if they DO ever end up using The Swedes in a follow up comic, let it be known that I came up with the name of mine and produced my series first. 

Just putting it out there.

Just saying. 

Consider this an official planting of the flag. 

My Swedish flag. 

And in the spirit of camaraderie and cross-promotion, if Mr. Blackman, Mr. Way or Mr. Ba would like to publicly mention or check out any of The Swede graphic novels that are currently available … on Amazon, LINKED HERE and HERE…. internationally as well, LINKED HERE and HERE, that would be wonderful and I’d certainly appreciate it.

Thank you. 

Tv and movie optioning rights are also available. Just sayin’.

Because the thing IS. 

THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY (L to R) AIDAN GALLAGHER as NUMBER FIVE, EMMY RAVER-LAMPMAN as ALLISON HARGREEVES, ROBERT SHEEHAN as KLAUS HARGREEVES, TOM HOPPER as LUTHER HARGREEVES, DAVID CASTAÑEDA as DIEGO HARGREEVES and ELLEN PAGE as VANYA HARGREEVES in episode 206 of THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY Cr. COURTESY OF NETFLIX/NETFLIX © 2020

But She Also Can Act

I think it might have been while watching The Devil’s Advocate, probably when it first came out in ’97. Pretty good flick, and I thought “You know, this girl Charlize Theron is good but let’s face it, she’s no Ashley Judd.” And I started referring to her as the poor man’s Ashley Judd. This of course was unfair but Hollywood. Ashley was the absolute best and then I never saw her again. 

Then only a few years later when Charlize was doing guest shots on Arrested Development did I realize that she was the best ever and Ashley Who? Because Hollywood. Also, I guess I’m fickle. 

I figured Judd just retired from acting, bought a farm, took up marine biology, etc., who knows? Because she was never heard from again. 

But in researching this blog to determine when she utterly and completely abandoned Hollywood, a quick look at her IMDB page told me that she never left. She just hasn’t done anything I’ve really been interested in for the last couple decades. Sorry Ashley. Mind you, I also hadn’t *heard* about anything she was in fir 20 years, so maybe that’s on her press agent.

However, I am all about Charlize Theron. 

The whole family was watching The Old Guard on Netflix the other night–thumbs up– and it’s a testament to Ms. Theron, that the “question of “what do we all want to watch” was answered more quickly than at any time in history. It’s a very good film adaptation of a comic that deals with a group of immortal commandos who try and do good.

Recommended.

Afterward, I thought back to a few other recent Theron films like Atomic Blonde and Mad Max: Fury Road and I realized that Charlize is really one of our top level movie action heroes these days. Roughly the same type of heroes we’ve seen in the Rambo, Die Hard, Terminator, Transporter, Fast & the Furious and John Wick films over the decades. But here’s an unexpected added dimension regarding all the leads:

She can actually act and her action films have a bit more depth.

Quality acting is certainly never a given in these films. You know what I’m taking about. T2 is still one of the all time greatest action films of all time, John Wick manages an unparalleled kill count and the F&F films have somehow built and maintained a huge audience but these films are definitely not huge because of the acting prowess of Arnold, Keanu or Vin. They just cleanly deliver a certain amount of cheesy dialog that works in the pertinent scenarios. Lots of cliches to go around.

Tom Cruise is not exactly a great actor nearly as much as he is a magnetic movie star, who somehow manages to make us forget how batshit crazy he is in real life. That is impressive though, admittedly. 

Speaking of Cruise, Charlize does do a lot of *her* own stunts too. She worked out a long, single cut, brilliant fight scene on a staircase in Atomic Blonde that should be seen. There’s a sequel in the works and I believe one for The Old Guard as well. 

Yes, Charlize is going on 45 and like any other action hero, that means she’s got *at least* another decade in her before she says enough is enough with what can be a very strenuous routine.

To Hollywood, I say continue to take advantage of this amazing resource now. She is just too good to let get away. 

In fact, if Hollywood really wants a guaranteed blockbuster action hit, gather together a host of the kick ass women’s brigade of film.  Charlize, Halle Berry, ScarJo, Gal Gadot, Tessa Thompson, Kate Blanchette, Milla Jovovich and Angelina Jolie, with maybe Helen Mirren as the leader. Hell, throw in Sigourney Weaver! 

No, don’t resort to adapting a previously male property and redo it, (Ghostbusters, Oceans 8), DO SOMETHING ORIGINAL. 

Yeah, yeah, I know, Hollywood, where “remakes are king”. 

And yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, we don’t have *any* strong women roles in movies. Right.

Eh, I tried. 

The Ensign’s Log Podcast

Communications, open.

Steve Shives puts a lot of content out on the internet. A LOT. he puts out several series of videos on YouTube, at varying degrees of quality. The one I’m most familiar with is “Trek Actually”, a series of videos where he talks about all aspects of Star Trek. In it, he meticulously and comprehensively covers themes and topics in and of all things in the Trek universe — tv series, streaming series, movies, etc. 

He also has various satirical, analytical and parodying videos aimed at society and politics. He also has the “5 Stupid Things about ________”, and he does a series with his wife which features talking stuffed animals embroiled in comedic situations. He undoubtedly has other ongoing projects as well, as I know he does various podcasts, interviews, broadcasts, you name it. The point is, he produces a lot. By trade, he’s a writer and it’s possible he also has a day job but I have no idea how he finds the time.

But the production I value the most by far is “The Ensign’s Log Podcast”. 

This is just shy of genius. The concept is that two ensigns on the original starship Enterprise are doing a weekly podcast set during the adventures of Star Trek, the original series. So the events of those episodes often have some effect on these two low level officers. You don’t need an encyclopedic knowledge of the show or have the episodes memorized by any means. The ensigns and their adventures are the stars and focus of the show. Actually being familiar with every episode they’re referencing is just an additional chuckle.

The podcast is not Starfleet sanctioned, so the two ensigns are sending it out on the sly, with aliases. Ensign “Barclay” is the communications officer, played by Jason Harding and Ensign “Riker” is a security officer played by Steve Shives. Of course the hidden joke there is the two aliases they choose are the names two members of The Next Generation cast members. Because these guys do know and love their Trek. 

Side note– it’s really not for little kids– but I doubt little kids would be into this anyway. The production value is top notch, as far as music and accurate sound effects from the era, and the boys do a lot of extra voice work with a variety of “guest stars”. 

Star Trek, TOS, ran for 79 episodes and the Ensigns basically dedicate one episode *for* each episode. They’ve been doing this for a few years now and have put out over 60 so far. I started listening a month  ago and am already on episode 63. It’s really well done and occasional LOL funny. They manage to cleverly entwine their stories, their character’s backstories, and the tv show’s eps into an interesting ongoing adventure serial. 

The more I listen to, the more involved I get in the lives of these two lovable and lamentable idiots. The beautiful part about it all is that since podcasts are forever, you can just start at the beginning and take your time. If you go to lemmelistenpodcasts.com 

you can locate the ‘cast and start from the beginning. 

I really don’t listen to podcasts. Almost never. But these guys have a funny show, which mixes nicely crafted scenarios with some improvisation thrown in. 

And I am hooked. 

Highly recommended. 

Communications, closed.

Horse Guy

When one considers the work of Shakespeare, Milton, King or San Juan, one can’t help but feel a tiny little tickle at the base of their brain. 

What is this tickle? 

Is it harmful to me?

It can’t be– it tickles!

No, that tickle is just you hearing about these literary Giants of creation and reflexively remembering the latest creation in the Lundeen stable. 

Horse Guy!

I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking “What ho, Rick…” –and really, we should talk about this because you say that a lot–

“Rick, surely you’re going to devote an entire month *just* to Horse Guy?!?!?”

Well, I would, but I really don’t have that much material. 

I have enough material for a week. 

Let’s see, got about 5 strips, the song….OH YEAH, THERE’S A SONG!

So maybe a Horse Guy week is warranted. 

We’ll see. 

I guess I could record the song, then people could play it back and then just mime the words with mouth movements promoted by spreading peanut butter on your gums and trying to lick it off. (The old Mr. Ed trick)

Yes. That WOULD be a good lockdown activity.

Part of the reason I like Horse Guy on the art side is that I can do it as a rougher piece each time, slightly loose pencils, a grittier feel in general.

Well, here’s the latest strip… and here it is via the link to my illustration site — it has each of the three strips so far and the visual gets larger, the larger you make your window.

The Swede

Originally appearing briefly in the 100 Covers series, I decided I wanted to expand on the character. An assassin that’s rather unemotional and likes killing with his hands. He tends to snap necks but in the end, whatever gets the job done in any given situation. 

Initially, the first issue is more of a straight nod to the late, great Darwin Cooke, may he Rest In Peace. Specifically the one color palette to give the story a distinct look. In the first book, we see the Swede in three different scenarios, where the actual kill is usually in an enclosed space or out in the open against great odds.

Book two: Sugo, which just came out, throws the Swede a bit of a curve ball when another assassin intrudes in his business and costs him money. This is not good for anyone. Meet Sugo. He also has a very distinct way of killing people. Side note: Book Two changes the color scheme a bit too for each scene.

The Swede Book One is available at Amazon HERE.

And The Swede Book Two – Sugo is also available on Amazon HERE.

Mickey and Maj

Most people reading this know all about Mickey & Maj but for those who don’t, it’s the story of a seven year old boy who meets an ancient, wise-cracking sentient Magic Carpet that can take him anywhere is time, space or different dimensions.

The book’s future is up in the air. It’s also dependent on sales as usual. I believe the concept has real legs to it but I’m just me. I can only spread the word just so much. 

Action Lab was nice enough to combine Books One and Two into one collection and put it out via print and as a digital release. The collection is available on ComiXology and Amazon. The particular process in this case took over a year due to delays but it came out this past January. I figured that it would be an additional year before Book Three was put out of at all but they surprised me and it was released digitally on ComiXology on March 18th. So, the trilogy is out there. We’ll see if the response warrants more stories. Mickey & Maj: The Selfies is still available on Amazon as well.

Sequential Tart is a website that’s been very kind to M&M, with glowing reviews for the combined collection, as well as the release of the latest book. Thanks again to them. I did an interview with them about M&M that was featured in their April edition. 

As to what comes next for Michael James Hawthorne and Majestic — I’m in the early stages of Book Four. Books One and Two were 40 pages each. Book Three was 56 pages. No telling on this one. I had a story in mind but I’m adding a few things as I go. Had a brainstorm or two during the break in the action. 

Of course the pandemic has slow things up and killed a lot of momentum with Action Lab, so everything’s tentative there as well.

So we’ll see where the Magic Carpet takes us next time, or whether they’ll head into a black hole, because the thing IS.

Jurassic Park The Musical Act III

ACT 3                                   

                                   Scene 1                                 

                    In the jungle—raptors emerge, dancing in unison,     

                    gliding back and forth, snapping their claws, ala      

                    West Side Story.                                       

                    group sing                                             

                    ahead of the pack, ahead of the pack                   

                    lookin’ all over for a human snack                     

                    –elaborately choreographed attack dance and then      

                    stop, just mildly grooving side to side as the         

                    leader, Francine, speaks to one of her underlings,     

                    who’s carrying a bucket of chum.                       

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               What have you there, Serendipity?                           

          SERENDIPITY:                                                     

               We scented this out, but there was no human near it.        

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               These humans are intelligent…a trick, no doubt.           

          SERENDIPITY:                                                     

               Great leader, you suspect a trap?                           

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               Indeed. They seem to have unique insight as to any and      

               all failings regarding dinosaur vision. Infiltration is     

               what I fear.                                                

          SERENDIPITY:                                                     

               Diabolical! But venerable leader, there are new             

               recruits to be assessed for their skills in rhythm and      

               moves!                                                      

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               Yes, of course…. I know just the thing….bring them      

               in.                                                         

                    –in groove the four new recruits, Muldoon being the     

                    3rd of the four, keeping perfectly in time with        

                    all the moves.                                         

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               At ease. So, you’re the new recruits. An interesting        

               bunch. So so similar…but I wonder….do you have what     

               it takes to be an elite Raptor? What is a pack leader                                                      

               to do? Perhaps some instructional exercise to warm up       

               and see what you’re made of, hmmm?                          

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               Simon says…arms up!                                       

                    they all raise their arms                              

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               Put ’em down                                                

                    they keep them up                                      

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               Simon says, put them down.                                  

                    they lower their arms                                  

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               Simon says…tap your snout                                 

                    they tap their snout                                   

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               Now act like a human                                        

                    they stand still                                       

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               GOOD….Simon says act like a human                         

                    all four start ambling around hunched over like        

                    drooling Quasimodos, gibbering like fools, all in      

                    perfect unison                                         

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               Add jazz hands                                              

                    only Muldoon adds jazz hands—there’s a gasp as all     

                    raptors stop and turn toward him and Muldoon freezes     

          MULDOON:                                                           

               Clever girl….                                             

                    and they pounce….                                    

                                Scene 2                           

                    Ellie, wounded, limps through the jungle and stops     

                    at a clearing, where we see a bunch of broken,         

                    discarded eggs center stage and a giant pile of        

                    dung stage right. Behind her, we see part of the       

                    fence with the indicator light off. Ellie surveys      

                    the scene.                                             

          ELLIE:                                                           

               That indicator light is off…looks like the whole          

               fence system is still down…great.                         

                    looks at the power box, makes some                     

                    adjustments—light goes ON, power hums                

          ELLIE:                                                           

               There!                                                      

                    –a boy screams in the distance                        

          ELLIE:                                                           

               Ah, loose connection                                        

          ELLIE:                                                           

               Eggs? Ohhh, the cartoon specifically indicated in a         

               playful way that the dinosaurs couldn’t get pregnant        

               thanks to the DNA manipulation. Oh! (slaps forehead)        

               Hermaphroditic frog junk. Nuts, that really should have     

               been a clue.                                                

                    Sick Triceratops strolls out from behind the giant     

                    pile of dung, waving.                                  

          SICK TRICERATOPS:                                                

               Heeeyyyooooo, there’s my nursemaid! hi, Ellie!              

          ELLIE:                                                           

               Sick Triceratops! Well, you’re certainly looking better     

               than the last time I saw you—how ya feelin’?              

          SICK TRICERATOPS:                                                

               Better, now that I got rid of that (indicates dung          

               pile)                                                       

                    both LOL                                               

                    Brach 2 enters from stage left, looking sad, long      

                    neck drooped over                                      

                      SICK TRICERATOPS:                                                

               Brach 2! Hey, what’s the matter? why so glum?               

          BRACH 2:                                                         

               Well, it’s Monday…                                        

                    they all nod                                           

          BRACH 2:                                                         

               and y’know, I’m having a rough time about Billy.            

          ELLIE:                                                           

               Oh, the goat? you knew him?                                 

          BRACH 2:                                                         

               Knew him? He saved my life! Gave me the Heimlich, he        

               did!                                                        

          ELLIE:                                                           

               Oh, that was you choking by the lake?  I thought you        

               were just acting…I thought you were really killing        

               it…                                                       

          BRACH 2:                                                         

               Oh thank you! Yeah, no, I was actually dying.               

          SICK TRICERATOPS:                                                

               Billy was a hero.                                           

          ELLIE:                                                           

               Death, dying, killing…..not to mention all this life      

               that technically shouldn’t even BE here…                  

          SICK TRICERATOPS:                                                

               Hey, I’m glad to be here and I feel a half ton lighter,     

               so….                                                      

          BRACH 2:                                                         

               Nah, she’s right, crazy scientists creating dinosaurs,      

               dinosaurs killing people, sequels being planned, the        

               wanton destruction of goats…..sigh.                       

          ELLIE:                                                           

               now that we’re all here, though, why can’t we all just      

               get along, if you ignore all the evolutionary               

               pitfalls….why can’t we be friends?                      

                    little compies enter from both sides (either small     

                    actors, children or marionettes) and start singing     (to the tune of “Why can’t we be friends?”) 

                    ooh ooh ooh ooh                                        

                    ooh ooh ooh ooh                                        

                    ooh ooh ooh ooh                                        

                    ooh ooh ooh ooh                                        

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    ELLIE: my boyfriend dragged me to this stupid          

                    isle,                                                  

                    now my friends are dyin’ all the while!                

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    BRACH: they killed poor Billy for the dinner show,     

                    tore his head off, shoulda seen it go!                 

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    SICK TRIC: sure there’s some sickness, including       

                    me,                                                    

                    that’s not on them, it was an STD!                 

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    Ellie: have a long talk with my man, ya see      

                   —dinos gettin’ more action than me!           

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    Why can’t we be friends                                

                    why can’t—                                           

                    T-Rex thunders onto stage                              

          T-REX:                                                           

               GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!!!!!                                     

                    everyone scatters                                      

                                    scene 3                                 

                    Grant, Lex and Tim are walking the plains toward       

                    home base. Tim’s hair is giant, crazy, frayed. He      

                    has dark circles under his glazed eyes, ragged         

                    clothing and walks in a dazed, stilted manner.         

          GRANT:                                                           

               You took quite a chance going back over the fence for       

               Lex’s cell phone, Tim.                                      

                    Lex checking her cell                                  

          LEX:                                                             

               No service yet…                                           

          GRANT:                                                           

               You took an ever BIGGER chance going back over for my       

               bullwhip and I really appreciate it.                        

          TIM:                                                             

               —hhhhh—                                                 

          GRANT:                                                           

               I didn’t even realize I could just reach under and grab     

               it until you were way up at the top.                        

                    a beat                                                 

          GRANT:                                                           

               Boy, when that sucker started up, you must’ve flown 30      

               feet into that dung-pile…..                               

          TIM:                                                             

               –hhhh– some in….mouth…                                

          GRANT:                                                           

               I owe ya, buddy.                                            

                    pats him on the back                                   

          LEX:                                                             

               Mr. Grant, are those Raptors way over there?                

          GRANT:                                                           

               Ah, they’re a ways away and we’re down wind, no reason      

               to…..                                                     

                    off stage, we hear Ellie yell out from the             

                    distance…                                            

          ELLIE:                                                           

               MMOOONNNNTAAANNNNAAAA, WE GOTTA TAAAALK!                        

          GRANT:                                                           

               RUN!!!                                                      

                                   scene 4                                 

                    JP home base kitchen area–cabinets and cooking        

                    area in the background along with the freezer door     

                    background stage right. A couple of big,               

                    industrial metal long tables for food prep.            

                    Entrance door background stage left.                   

                    Grant, Tim and Lex burst through the doors at a        

                    run.                                                   

          GRANT:                                                           

               You kids hide in here, it is categorically impossible       

               for Raptors to properly work a door handle, so you          

               should be safe. I’ll go find your grandfather.              

                    Grant leaves and the kids hurriedly run to front       

                    stage and hide underneath the front table, visible     

                    to the audience but safely hidden from everything      

                    behind.                                                

          LEX:                                                             

               Tim, I’ve got bars! wifi’s up, we’re online!!!              

          TIM:                                                             

               YES!                                                        

                    they fall silent and as the glow from the cells        

                    illuminate their faces, they are absorbed and          

                    silent                                                 

                    The Raptors enter easily, in a straight line in        

                    sync with each other’s movements. Francine             

                    leading.                                               

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               (sings) Come out, come out, wherEVER you are and greet      

               your death with cheer, my darlings….                      

                    kid are oblivious                                      

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               Was that not creepy enough?                                 

          SERENDIPITY:                                                     

               I thought it was utter magic, your exaltedness.             

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               Hunh.                                                       

                    taps on counter with foreclaw, it makes a good         

                    CLACKING sound                                         

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               Ooooh, hey…                                               

                    she leaps up on the metal counter, does a couple       

                    foot taps–the others follow suit on the other         

                    tables                                                 

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               This’ll rattle their little monkey brains…                

                    they start a furious tap dance clacking out a          

                    mighty beat with their clawed feet, windmill           

                    maneuver, the whole nine yards, making an              

                    incredible racket on the tables                        

                    the kids are totally oblivious–no reaction            

                    the dinos *finally* stop, very tired, huffing and      

                    puffing, Francine bends over, holds her knees, so      

                    do the others following her lead                       

          SERENDIPITY:                                                     

               Are you— huff puff–well, leader?                         

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               Yes…wooo…yeah, just a bit too soon after eating         

               that mystery meat in that ditch. Oooof…did we ever        

               find out what that was?                                     

          SERENDIPITY:                                                     

               No ma’am, only that it was extremely old.                   

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               Ug…but it smelled great, didn’t it? huff—that           

               wasn’t just me, was it? You be honest, now…               

          SERENDIPITY:                                                     

               It might have been a bit off…                             

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               Well thanks, that doesn’t really help me now does           

               it—OH, got a cramp…                                     

                    the others also hold their side                        

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               STOP COPYING ME!                                            

                    they stop                                              

          SERENDIPITY:                                                     

               Lean on me, oh leader!                                      

                    Serendipity helps her down off the table               

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               I’m gonna check the freezer, see if there’s anything in     

               there…at ease, everyone                                   

                    raptors take five, do some stretches, little yoga      

                    a beat                                                 

                    Francine comes out of the freezer                      

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               WHO ATE ALL THE FREAKING ICE CREAM?!?!?!?                   

                                  Scene 5                                 

                    JP main entrance area – a winding staircase, stage     

                    right leads back up to a balcony above center          

                    stage with a banner hanging across that says           

                    “Dino’s Rule!” The back walls on the main level        

                    feature crude kid drawings of dinos slaughtering       

                    each other.                                            

                    Big outside entrance back stage left, and interior     

                    entrance stage left and the kitchen entrance,          

                    stage right.                                           

                    Grant’s center stage looking around for survivors      

                    as Hammond enters stage left in a rush, carrying a     

                    suitcase, Grant sees him                               

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               Mr. Grant, I’m glad to see you! I’ve got a jeep out         

               front, let’s get the hell out of here!                      

          GRANT:                                                           

               Hammond, where’s Malcolm?                                   

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               Didn’t make it, let’s go!                                   

                    He makes for the exit as Malcolm enters stage left     

                    on a crutch, hobbling forward                          

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               I’m right here, John! I only went to the bathroom!          

                    Ellie enters through rear stage left entrance          

          ELLIE:                                                           

               Alan, why did you run away…                               

          GRANT:                                                           

               Hammond’s right, let’s get out of here!                     

                    Raptors dance in from stage right kitchen              

                    entrance, moving in sync, snapping their               

                    fore-claws, Francine’s in the lead carrying empty      

                    ice cream containers                                   

          FRANCINE:                                                        

               We came here to eat ice cream and eviscerate human          

               entrails, and it looks like we’re FRESH outta ice           

               cream!                                                      

                    throws empty containers on the floor                   

                    the raptors start to slowly close in on the            

                    humans, closer and closer. Hammond, closest to the     

                    audience, turns in a defeated posture and              

                    addresses the audience                                 

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               And so, it ends. Ripped apart by savage fore-claws? All     

               because of…                                               

                    In bounds the T-Rex through the main entrance          

                    bowling over some of the raptors                       

          REX:                                                             

               WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE PHRASE “GET OFF MY LAWN” THAT YOU      

               DON’T GET?!?!?!?                                            

                    stops, turns to Francine, stares at her                

                    a beat                                                 

          REX:                                                             

               AND YOU ATE ALL THE ICE CREAM?                              

                    starts smashing the raptors one by one and when        

                    they’re all down for the count, Lex and Tim            

                    emerge, standing at the edge of the kitchen            

                    entrance stage right, stunned and excited              

          TIM:                                                             

               T-Rex IS a friend to all!                                   

          LEX:                                                             

               Yay, T-Rex!                                                 

                    Rex plunges his head at them, they disappear for a     

                    second and then we see them in his jaws as he          

                    flings their screaming bodies up and off stage         

                    through the skylight with a crash. small bit of        

                    blood falls.                                           

          REX:                                                             

               DID YOU REALLY FORGET WHO YOU’RE DEALING WITH HERE? I       

               CAN’T BE SEEN GETTING SOFT, I HAVE A REP, SO….            

                    The rex starts advancing on them THOOM, THOOM          

                    Hammond once again, defeated, turns to the             

                    audience                                               

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               And so….it ends. Chomped to death by a giant lizard.      

               And all because of…what’s that sound?                     

                    a faint sound that gets louder                         

          REX:                                                             

               SOUNDS KINDA…FAMILIAR…                                  

                    the sound is a flapping of giant wings, as a giant     

                    mosquito descends, landing center stage, adopting      

                    a fighting pose                                        

                    Hammond jumps with glee, pumping his fists             

          REX:                                                             

               OH COME ON, THIS IS PERVERTING SCIENCE, HERE!!!             

          MOSQUITO:                                                        

               Put up your tiny, ineffectual dukes, lizard!                

                    They start circling each other, the Star Trek          

                    gladiatorial theme plays in the background              

                    they try and seek out each others vulnerable          

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               They seem to be sizing each other up                        

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               Two enter, only one may leave!                              

                    Hammond grabs crossed sabre swords off the wall,       

                    throwing them to both                                  

                    the creatures engage their blades, to and fro, up      

                    the stairs, across the balcony and back down,          

                    eventually deflecting both blades away                 

          HAMMOND:                                                         

                Oh, what people would pay for this….                     

          ELLIE:                                                           

               John…..!                                                  

                    they adopt wrestling poses, circling                   

                    Rex does a flying Shatner drop-kick taking down        

                    the mosquito                                           

          GRANT:                                                           

               The Rex is putting him in a figure 4 leg lock!              

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               Oh, I think the mosquito’s had it…..                      

                    slowly, but surely, the mosquito turns his             

                    proboscis around and positions it on the Rex’s         

                    neck…and pierces it                                  

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               Oh! His giant proboscis has actually pierced the Rex’s      

               skin! He’s into his neck!                                   

                    we hear a sucking sound                                

          ELLIE:                                                           

               The mosquito must drain enough blood to weaken the          

               Rex…                                                      

          GRANT:                                                           

               ….before the rex can crush him in the leg lock….        

                    sucking sound gets louder, louder, Hammond is          

                    dancing around the combatants like a referee           

                    finally, the Rex slumps to the ground, gone.           

                    Hammond, slaps the ground and holds up the             

                    mosquito’s arm                                         

                    there’s much rejoicing and Hammond once again,         

                    turns to the audience, this time, bold and             

                    confident                                              

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               And in the end, man’s ingenuity, his scientific             

               superiority triumphs…                                     

                    behind him, the mosquito grabs the other three and     

                    quickly drains the blood out of each —loud           

                    sucking sound–and they drop. The mosquito moves       

                    towards Hammond                                         

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               True, I’ve learned my lesson though. Had I simply stuck     

               with the giant mosquito idea in the first place,            

               I->hurk<                                                    

                    he stops cold as the mosquito stabs him in the         

                    back–loud sucking sound–and Hammond drops            

                    the mosquito produces a hanky, wipes off his           

                    proboscis and sings (maybe a modulated type of         

                    insect voice?) to the tune of the main theme once      

                    again…                                               

                    “They were strong, they were fast                      

                    they were legendary lizards,                           

                    they were dead, for oh so long,                        

                    and brought back by science wizards…                 

                    They were dinosaurs, they were dinosaurs,              

                    and they got another act                               

                    they were dinosaur, such fantastic lore,               

                    once they got that DNA cracked                         

                    ————some somber music as the mosquito mimes the T-rex      

                    dino walk and returns to sing                          

                    Had it worked, it would have been,                     

                    a theme park without equal,                            

                    we all love….disaster flicks,                        

                    that’s why there’ll always be sequels..!               

                    They were dinosaurs, they were dinosaurs,              

                    with true primeval class,                              

                    They were dinosaur, and just SO ya know,               

                    I just kicked this here one’s ASS!                     

                    ——bows, opens his arms, flies away.                

                    end                                                    

Jurassic Park The Musical Act II

ACT 2                                   

                                   scene 1                                 

                    Jurassic Park Computer control room, with a main       

                    screen reading POWER ON. Ray Arnold enters from        

                    stage right as Hammond enters from stage left,         

                    both wearing JP straw hats and holding canes for a     

                    little song and dance, they meet in the middle,        

                    facing the audience as they rock back and forth.       

          HAMMOND:                                                        

               Oh, Mr. Arnold?                                             

          ARNOLD:                                                          

               Yes, Mr. Hammond?                                           

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               Mr. Arnold, are we ready?                                   

          ARNOLD:                                                          

               Yes sir, all state of the art, cutting edge systems are     

               on-line. The tour is proceeding on pace and on              

               schedule!                                                   

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               So, in your estimation, we are fully prepared for every     

               eventuality?                                                

          ARNOLD:                                                          

               We’ve left nothing to chance. Even IF something went        

               wrong with the computers, Mr. Muldoon says we’ve got          

               weapons for back up, just in case.                          

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               Yes, of course. Remind me what we have again in song        

               and dance, won’t you?                                       

          ARNOLD:                                                          

               I will!                                                     

                    sings                                                  

                    I got a gun that fires nuclear confetti,               

                    and if that don’t work, I got a new machete,           

                    we got a Gatling gun ready, I just took it out,        

                    so there’s nothing to worry about!                     

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               Very good! Are these weapons close?                         

          ARNOLD:                                                          

               Yes, they’re conveniently located on the far side of        

               the island opposite us along with the emergency power       

               reboot systems. the only things in between us and all       

               of that are all the dinosaurs.                              

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               Well done, Well done. I guess the tour has been quiet       

               so far, no dino’s. I don’t think the children have          

               noticed yet but Malcolm’s winding me up. Anyway, tell       

               me more about the weapons!                                  

          ARNOLD:                                                          

                    sings                                                  

                    We got tons of stuff/ ready for a killin’ spree,       

                    it’s in a big shed/ but we lost the key                

                    but things’ll go smoothly, no need to shout            

                    cuz’ there’s nothin’ to worry about!                   

                    —-Nedry jumps in and rocks back and forth along      

                    with them, hat, cane, and wearing a giant necklace     

                    with the 100 tiny Barbasol cans strung on it.          

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               Mr. Nedry. Tell me, what’s the status on             

               computer power and security?                                

          NEDRY:                                                           

               Well…..                                                   

                    sings                                                  

                    We got computers with all the latest updates,          

                    while the powers on/we’re not left to our own          

                    fates,                                                 

                    we’ve got passwords, codewords and retina scans,       

                    see there’s nothing to upset our plans                 

                    >wheezing laugh<                                       

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               Alright, well, we might have to call the jeeps back for     

               a bit–that deadly storm we’ve been tracking seems to       

               have turned toward us and the last ferry’s leaving in       

               20 minutes. We can continue tomorrow.                       

          NEDRY:                                                           

               Of course! Let me just do some things on my keyboard,       

               lock it, run past the Cryo-lab, go shave, take a drive      

               down by the dock to clear my head and I’ll be right         

               back!                                                       

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               Certainly, as long as everything’s ok here.                 

          NEDRY:                                                           

               Definitely, because—                                      

                    all three singing                                      

                    There’s nothing to worry about!                        

                     Scene 2                                 

                    Somewhere lost in the jungle, we see a disoriented     

                    Nedry stumbling around in his rain coat, lost,         

                    extreme stage left. He’s holding a broken road sign     

                    for the dock and wearing the necklace of cans, now     

                    much heavier since they’re all filled.                 

          NEDRY:                                                           

               Everything’s gone wrong! I’m lost, these cans are really

               heavy when they’re full—I think the power        

               grid’s down–I just hope the dino’s don’t test the          

               fences…                                                   

                    opposite Nedry on extreme stage right, a               

                    Dilophosaurus pops it’s head up from behind some       

                    bushes and he sounds like Seinfeld.                    

          DILO:                                                            

               What’s the deal with the fences?! they usually produce      

               a reassuring hum! Tonight, no hum! I use it to lull         

               myself to sleep at night and let me tell you, it’s a        

               lot cheaper than sleeping pills! Hey, who’s stumbling       

               around in my jungle over there?! Hey, I know that           

               human!                                                      

                    the dilo dips down behind the bushes and then pops     

                    up directly in front of Nedry                           

          DILO:                                                            

               Helloooooo, Nedry.                                          

                    Nedry freezes                                          

          NEDRY:                                                           

               okay, ha ha, niiiice, dino                                  

                    he picks up a stick                                    

          NEDRY:                                                           

               Here, see the stick? Eh? ’Kay now, watch…                 

                    throws stick                                           

          NEDRY:                                                           

               Go fetch it! Go! C’mon, stupid….                          

          DILO:                                                            

               Oh, I’m stupid, am I? A dog, am I? Well that tears          

               it…                                                       

                    his headdress flares up                                 

          DILO:                                                            

               Look! You’ve angered me! The sticky acid’s comin’ next,      

               buddy!                                                      

                    sprays acid in Nedry’s face, and Nedry starts           

                    screaming, runs off stage                              

          DILO:                                                            

               Yeah, you go run back to your jeep! Lock yourself in        

               real good! My mate’s waiting already waiting and she’s      

               in a mood! Oh, and your necklace came off! I hope it’s      

               valuable, I’m gonna bury it in mud! Oh, now I’m all         

               worked up. (under his breath) Nedry!                        

                    Seinfeld music plays us out.                           

                                             Scene 3                                 

                    The scene is set on the road in the T-rex area.        

                    *in the foreground extreme stage right, we see         

                    half of a porta-potty, specifically where the door     

                    to it opens.                                           

                    *On the road middle/stage right is a JP car with       

                    Grant, Lawyer, Malcolm and the kids inside.            

                    *Behind the road is the steel cord fence strung up     

                    between large cement posts with power indicator      

                    light at the top –both off.                           

                    *Behind that back in the dark of the jungle is a       

                    small platform.                                        

                    The lawyer exits the car                               

          LAWYER:                                                          

               Listen, nothing much is happening, so I’m going to use      

               the facilities.                                             

                    walks over to extreme stage right, opens the           

                    porta-potty door, enters and closes the door.          

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               Ellie certainly had the right idea, leaving to tend to      

               that sickly triceratops. It’s pretty quiet here.            

          GRANT:                                                           

               More likely, she got tired of you pouring water on her      

               to explain Chaos theory.                                    

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               Oh no, no, she was enthralled–do you want me to            

               explain it to you? We have a glass of water left….        

          GRANT:                                                           

               No thanks, I’d rather just stare at it. you kids ok         

               back there?                                                 

          TIM:                                                             

               mmm                                                         

          LEXI:                                                            

               Internet’s taking FOREVER.                                  

                    THOOM in the distance                                  

          GRANT:                                                           

               Finally, some action. Things will finally get              

               exciting.                                                   

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               Hey kids, we might see a dinosaur now….sounds like a      

               big one comin’!                                             

                    kids keep texting, Malcolm shrugs, as they hear a      

                    louder THOOM                                           

                    spotlight on the background platform as we see         

                    Billy goat chained to it by a collar, complete         

                    with big bow tie. Uplifting, inspirational music       

                    starts to swell and soon Billy starts to sing          

                    “THIS IS MY MOMEMT, MY MOMENT TO SHINE, THE TIME      

                    FOR MY STAR TO RISE AND BE—”                         

          BILLY:                                                           

               Holy shit, I’M the dinner, I just got that-HURRK!           

                    A claw swipes him off the platform, spotlight goes     

                    dark. we hear ripping, clawing.                        

          GRANT:                                                           

               Fascinating!                                                

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               I’m just exceedingly grateful that we’ve got a giant,       

               impenetrable, electrified metal fence in between us,        

               brother!                                                    

                    on cue, each cord on the fence snaps and zips away     

          GRANT:                                                           

               OK, this MIGHT be a problem. Kids, it’s gonna be            

               alright.                                                    

                    kids silent and texting                                

                    the T-Rex stomps one foot onto the road past the       

                    fence and looks in their direction, and ROARS!         

          GRANT:                                                           

               Listen to me, all of you! Based on assumptions made from     

               65 million year old data, the rex’s vision is based         

               only on movement, probably, so stay still and we should     

               definitely be fine!                                         

                    The rex moves around, looking, searching, as it        

                    stomps around. It moves to Grant, sniffs his           

                    crotch. Moves to Malcolm, sniffs his crotch. Backs     

                    away, and after a bit more looking around, ROARS,      

                    then sings…      (to the tune of the main theme again)                                    

                    “HERE I COME, FOR THE SHOW                             

                    AND NO, I AM NOT DOCILE…                             

                    WITH THE TAIL, AND THE TEETH,                          

                    THE WORLD’S MOST DANGEROUS FOSSIL                      

                    I’M A DINOSAUR, I’M A DINOSAUR,                        

                    I AM KING OF ALL YOU SEE                               

                    I’M A DINOSAUR, AND I DO ABHOR                         

                    ALL THESE APES I SEE ’ROUND ME                         

                    ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRR                                     

                    music as the giant lizard goes into a smooth tap       

                    dance and then back to singing…..                    

                    MY ARMS ARE SHORT, TEETH ARE LONG,                     

                    SO YOU HAD BEST BE FEARIN’,                            

                    THIS SEXY BEAST, CAN SENSE YOUR MOVES,                 

                    I’M MORE AMAZING THAN HELEN MIRREN                     

                    I’M A DINOSAUR, I’M A DINOSAUR,                        

                    AND YES, I’LL CHASE YOUR JEEP,                         

                    I’M A DINOSAUR, WORKIN’ THIS DANCE FLOOR               

                    ’CUZ THESE TICKETS WON’T BE CHEAP…                   

                    I’M A DINOSAUR……                                   

                    AND I WILL SOOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRR                        

                    RRRRROOOOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!~!!!                       

                    —then, the porta-potty door swings open and the      

                    lawyer jumps out, waving his hands                     

          LAWYER:                                                          

               Hoo boy1 you might wanna stay outta THERE for 65            

               million years, am I right? Ha…ha.                         

                    The rex stomps toward him and screaming, the           

                    lawyer dives back into the porta-potty slamming        

                    the door behind him. the rex smashes into the          

                    potty dragging the entire thing off stage right        

                    and we hear smashing and screaming and roaring.        

                    After a few seconds, the lawyer partially crawls       

                    out onto the stage, desperate…                       

                    Lawyer:                                                

                    WE SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THE GIANT MOSQUITO            

                    INSTEAD!!!!!                                           

                    …and is dragged off stage screaming…               

          GRANT:                                                           

               We’ve got to do something, get out of here….              

                   MALCOLM:                                                         

               But how? where? The jeeps have no power…                  

                    the kids get out of the car, observe the carnage       

                    off stage, calmly turn back to the two men…          

          LEXI:                                                            

               we can’t get any signal here, Dr. Grant.                    

          TIM:                                                             

               Are we in a dead zone, or..?                                

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               You might say that…                                       

          GRANT:                                                           

               Listen kids, I’m sorry but it looks like the dinosaurs      

               are all loose and I’m not sure how we’re going to           

               survive…                                                  

                    kids stare blankly…                                  

          GRANT:                                                           

               Power’s down, communications, no internet–                 

                    kids start screaming bloody murder, flailing about     

                    and fling themselves over the side of the road         

                    at that moment, a piece of wreckage from the           

                    porta-potty flies out and knocks out Malcolm.          

                    Grant checks on him and stands                         

          GRANT:                                                           

               Stay put, Malcolm, I’ll go after the kids and we’ll         

               come back for you.                                          

                    Grant pulls out his bullwhip, twirls it out, snags     

                    a tree limb, and dives over the side                   

                    Ellie drives a new jeep in from stage right, with      

                    Muldoon in the passenger seat holding a harpoon and       

                    stops in front of Malcolm, gets out and helps him      

                    up                                                     

          ELLIE:                                                           

               Malcolm, where is everyone?                                 

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               Don’t talk, the T-Rex is coming back and if his song        

               was ANY indication, he’s going to chase our jeep.  

         MULDOON:

          Load him in, lass, I don’t like the way the jungles’ breathin’ at me!

                    they pile in the jeep, Malcolm laying down in the      

                    back and they take off. * Utilizing a roll-a-round     

                    backdrop of jungle can simulate jeep movement here     

                    as we keep pace with the jeep. the tail end of the     

                    jeep is close to off stage right….                   

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               Here it comes, it’s gaining on us!     

           MULDOON:

               I can’t get a bead on the beastie!

                    the T-rex head starts to polk out as he gets           

                    closer, now extending a tongue, and slathering         

                    Malcolm as he tries to back way…                     

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               Gahhh, he’s got lawyer-breath…FASTER!!!!!                 

          REX:                                                             

               AHHHHHGNAAAHHHGNAAAAH, YOU LIKE THAT?!?!?                   

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               MOTHER OF GOD, FASTER!!!!!!!!!                              

                    and as the jeep finally pulls away, a branch comes     

                    into view and blocks him, stopping the Rex.            

                                         Scene 4                                 

                    Tim, Grant and Lex are up in a tree, gathering         

                    their wits. In the distance, we see the                

                    occasional, long neck of a dino hear and there         

                    wander by. the kids are covered head to toe in         

                    something dark.                                        

          GRANT:                                                           

               You kids are pretty lucky. That 60 foot fall would have     

               killed you if you hadn’t landed in that giant pile of       

               T-Rex dung.                                                 

          TIM:                                                             

               Yeah, lucky.                                                

          LEX:                                                             

               I got some in my mouth.                                     

          GRANT:                                                           

               I’ll tell you what–we should be safe up here for the       

               night as far as I know. Let’s try to rest and we can        

               figure out what to do in the morning. How about a song      

               to take our minds off our troubles?                         

                    Grant can either pull a guitar from nowhere or         

                    just mime playing it and starts to sing a folksy    

                    little number…                                      

                    “Well, I been ’round this big ol’ world, for years     

                    and years and years,                                   

                    Saw somethings’d curl your hair and prey upon your     

                    fears,                                                 

                    some things might seem really bad, ya feel like        

                    you are cursed,                                        

                    but i’m here to tell ya kids, this is ’bout the        

                    worst”                                                 

                    –talks: listen up kids, you need to hear this–       

                    “Once I went down to me-hee-co, to do a little         

                    dig,                                                   

                    got a nasty tape-worm, and ate just like a pig,        

                    was in and out of hospitals, up and down the           

                    coast,                                                 

                    oh that was bad, yes it was, but this time, we are     

                    toast                                                  

                    AYE, YI, YI, we are toast….”                         

                    talks–                                                

          TIM:                                                             

               the message is horrible and I still feel better!             

          GRANT:                                                           

               sure, any situations made better by a song. I’d do a        

               dance but we’re in a tree…                                

                    whistles a bit….and in the background, one by        

                    one, the heads of some of the dinos are gathering      

                    throughout the song right behind them to enjoy it      

                    Grant sings–                                          

                    “an-mals are a funny bunch, but these are off the      

                    hook,                                                  

                    more and more i think about it, your grandpa is a      

                    crook,                                                 

                    I faced hordes of lice, mutant rats, even vampire      

                    bats,                                                  

                    it’s important that you know, this is worse than       

                    that ,                                                 

                    OH, THIS IS WORSE THAN THAT                            

                    AYE, YI, YI, SO much worse than that”                  

                    –and finally, the dino right next to Lex sneezes      

                    a giant gob on her                                     

                          Scene 5                                 

                    Back in the main computer room. Front stage has        

                    Malcolm resting on a table due to his injured leg.     

                    Standing behind him is Hammond, Arnold, Muldoon and      

                    Ellie. They’re all eating melting ice cream.           

          ARNOLD:                                                          

               Mr. Hammond, Nedry screwed us with this computer            

               program. The only way to fix it and the get the park        

               back up and running is to travel to the far side of         

               this treacherous island to the power center, and reboot     

               the system. I’d better head out right after I finish        

               this delicious Rocky road.                                  

          MULDOON:                                                           

               Aye, I’ll go with ya                                        

                    grabs his harpoon and a bucket marked chum and         

                    dumps his ice cream in it                              

          MULDOON:                                                           

               If need be, I’ll provide a distraction. We’ll take a        

               walkie-talkie with us.                                      

          ELLIE:                                                           

               I’d better come too. I’ve gotta work off some of this       

               ice cream. Oh, and remember–we saw some raptors on our     

               way back. Montana and I are experts on dinosaur vision      

               and with Raptors, if you act like you are a raptor,         

               mimic them, they’ll think you’re a raptor too,             

               probably.                                                   

          ARNOLD AND MULDOON:                                                

               Got it!                                                     

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               Thank you all, please go get my grandchildren.              

                    They leave and Hammond is worried, pacing back and     

                    forth behind Malcolm, who continues to eat ice         

                    cream out of the 6 or 7 tubs around him.               

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               It was all going so well. Now the lawyer’s dead and         

               I’ve no idea what’s happened to my grandchildren or Mr.     

               Grant.                                                      

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               Well, uh, John, you know they, uh, are dinosaurs after      

               all. >slurp< They’re simply not like us.                    

          HAMMOND:                                                         

               Exactly. Exactly! this is why I ask….     (*to the tune of “Why can’t a woman be more like a man”)                

                    “why can’t a dinosaur be more like a man?              

                    Men are so thoughtful, they actually think             

                    Some are smelly, but no reptilian stink               

                    Who, when you’ve achieved, will always give your       

                    back a pat,                                            

                    Why can’t a dino be like that?                         

                    –                                                      

                    Why does every one do what the others do?              

                    Stomp and kill and leave you all for dead?             

                    Eviscerate, slash you up in a pile of goo              

                    Why don’t they grow up, well, like their creators      

                    instead?                                               

                    –                                                      

                    Why can’t a dinosaur take after a man?                 

                    Men are so pleasant, so easy to please                 

                    Whenever you’re with them, you’re always at ease       

                    Would you be slighted if I locked you in your          

                    paddock?                                               

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               –well..                                                    

                    Would you be livid if I had stolen an egg or two?      

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               –um..                                                      

                    Would you be wounded if I ’lectrified your fences?     

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               -yeah                                                       

                    Well, why can’t a dino be like you?                    

                    –                                                      

                    One man in a million may pervert science               

                    Now and then there’s one with moral defects            

                    One perhaps whose truthfulness you doubt a bit         

                    But by and large we are a tolerable sex                

                    –                                                      

                    Why can’t a dino take after a man?                     

                    ’Cause men are so friendly, good natured and kind      

                    The most evolved companion you’ll find                 

                    If your biology was a mockery, would you bellow?       

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               I guess…                                                  

                    If you went into a coma would you fuss?                

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               Um..                                                        

                    Would you complain about iffy DNA from a fellow?       

          MALCOLM:                                                         

               Yes?                                                        

                    Why can’t a dino be like us?                           

                    –                                                      

                    Why can’t a dino be more like a man?                   

                    Men are so decent, such regular chaps                  

                    Ready to help with any science mishaps                 

                    Reminding you on money whenever you’re glum            

                    why can’t a dino be a chum?                            

                    –                                                      

                    Why is thinking something dinos never do?              

                    And why is logic never even tried?                     

                    Eating-crapping-killing’s all they ever do             

                    Prob’ly ’cuz of the walnut brain inside                

                    –the walkie talkie squawks–                          

          MALCOM:                                                          

               LISTEN!!                                                    

          ELLIE:                                                           

                         (on walkie)                                       

               Arnold is dead, we did reboot the system, Muldoon’s           

               missing, there are raptors everywhere and I’m on the        

               run! Over and out!                                          

                    Hammond just raises his arms in a “see what I’m        

                    talking about?” manner and continues…..              

                    Why can’t a dino behave like a man?                    

                    If I were a lizard who shouldn’t be here at all        

                    Been touted as an attraction at some outdoor           

                    island  mall                                           

                    Would I leave a trail of chaos wherever I’m going?     

                    Or carry on as if my home were in a tree?              

                    Would I appreciate the seeds of karmic disaster        

                    I’m sowing?                                            

                    Why can’t dinosaurs be like me?                        

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