ACT I
Scene 1
Interior: Small hut in the middle of a jungle, a
young boy is in bed with his small lamp lighting
his room and the few articles within as he stares
out the window at the full moon.
woman’s voice off-stage: you turn that light off and go
to sleep, young John Hammond!
YOUNG JOHN HAMMOND: YES MUMSY.
Outside, we hear the sounds of animals in the
jungle, roaring, trampling and gunshots, human
screaming. A real blood bath out there but the boy
takes no notice, he simply sings to the tune of
the main theme of Jurassic Park.
YOUNG JOHN HAMMOND:
When I was young, just a lad, I read about some
beasties…
They were fierce, they were large, and oh, they
liked their feasties…
THEY WERE DINOSAURS, THEY WERE DINOSAURS, and they
ruled the earth, you see..
THEY WERE DINOSAUR, and it t’would be my chore to
bring them back to life for ME
(YJH starts dino-walking around the room to the
music, slowly, majestically—chomping at the air
like a T-rex)
WOMANS VOICE OFF-STAGE: I SAID TURN OFF THAT LIGHT,
DAMNIT!!!!
We hear more shots, roaring and screaming and YJH
sings…
I’ll have funds—(mother screams), very soon…
Gosh I hope someone kills that lion…
I’ll do research, create a park!
with dinos–hopefully without no dyin’!
THEY’LL BE DINOSAURS, THEY’LL BE DINOSAURS, I’ll
feature them A to Z….
THEY’LL BE DINOSAUR, and it’ll be my chore,
to make a park where they don’t eat me….
(YJH goes back to bed, turns off the lamp and
snuggles into his bed as the music plays off and
the screams, trampling, mauling fade away.)
Scene 2
40 years later
A dark and stormy day as the adult john Hammond is
escorted through the entrance to a mine by his
nervous, constipated lawyer and meets the foreman
of the mining crew, Yor Yorgensen.
YOR YORGENSON:
Yellow, mr. Hammoond, howzabout dis weader we’re–
JOHN HAMMOND:
Damnit man, enough with your nordic nicities, show me!
YOR YORGENSON:
Yokay, this way.
Yorgenson leads them to a different part of the
cave, where rests a beautiful, glowing, golden
rock.
YOR YORGENSON:
Whelp, there it is.
Hammond, stunned, drops to his knees
JOHN HAMMOND:
A magic stone! Oh my heavens, never in a million years
would I have believed–
YORGENSON:
No, it’s not magic boss, it’s ban sittin’ on a
flashlight.
HAMMOND:
Oh.
LAWYER:
No John–look at what’s in the center!
HAMMOND:
Is that?
LAWYER:
Yes, a mosquito! From the time of the dinosaurs! You
know what this means.
HAMMOND:
Oh my stars and garters, yes. We can extract the
necessary DNA…
LAWYER:
Yes…
HAMMOND:
and through re-sequencing…
LAWYER:
…yes…
HAMMOND:
…and the genetic splicing…
LAWYER:
….YES…..
HAMMOND:
WE CAN CREATE A GIANT MOSQUITO!!!
LAWYER:
Uh–what?
Music (original) and JH starts singing (slow
moving, like Ol’ Man River)
(cont’d)
“I’m gonna build me a giant mosquito,————–
that people ’round the world will see————-
gene-splice a helluvan insect
——————- just un-lock that genetic
keeeeeeey…
elaborate mosquito dance as Hammond leads the
miners in his dance of giant bug love—as the
lawyer tries to get Hammond’s attention…
Hammond continues to sing…
HAMMOND:
“It’s gonna be a huge
blood-sucker—————– a proboscis about THIS
BIG!”
LAWYER:
…John….
HAMMOND:
“..and we’ll need a REAL BIG SCREEN DOOR…”
LAWYER:
JOHN!!!
HAMMOND:
What?!?!
LAWYER:
We’ll take the remnants of the dino DNA from the blood
of the mosquito and genetically recreate ACTUAL
dinosaurs!
HAMMOND:
Oh.
a beat
HAMMOND:
…well yes, that is a better idea.
LAWYER:
Thank you.
a beat
HAMMOND:
That *would* be more in keeping with what I’d hoped.
LAWYER:
Yes.
a beat
HAMMOND:
They’ll go great with the giant mosquito.
Scene 3
At a paleontological dig in the southwest, three
students (aged 8) are on a tour around the site
led by Ellie Sattler, co-manager of the project.
They stand near the edge looking down into the
pit.
ELLIE:
So, any questions about dinosaur bones?
KID 1:
When’s lunch?
KID 2:
Bones are stupid.
KID 3:
You’re old.
ELLIE:
Ok, great! Time to introduce you to Dr. Montana Grant,
lead digger on the project. If you lean way over here,
you can probably see him come out.
kids lean over looking down
ELLIE:
(over walkie) You’re on, Montana.
From stage left, alan Montana Grant swings in via
bullwhip in full Indy attire and lands, knocking
all three kids off the ledge, obliviously breaking
into song and dance.
–peppy, fast tune-original
MONTANA:
YAAAA! The gang all calls me Montana——————-
got a raptor claw hangin’ from me waist—————-
it’s a good life, diggin’ with me
Ellie————- SHE wants to marry, but why all the
haste?
Ellie jumps in step and sings
ELLIE:
Eleven whole years, we’ve been datin’————– but
mostly diggin’, all around the world————— he
never CAME CLOSE—to poppin’ that question———
I’m just a REALLY REALLY understanding girrrrrl
John Hammomd then leaps onto the stage in step and
sings
JOHN HAMMOND:
Hey guys, I just flew in, there’s my copter——-
I got a big ol’ proposition for you———–
come with me, I’ll fund your dig for three years-
I”m a rich guy! So what ya gonna do? (smiles)
GRANT AND ELLIE:
“DONE!”
Scene 4
An outdoor cafe somewhere in the jungle. We
hear some Seinfeld type music in the background
leading in. A tall man (named Dodgson), with even
taller hair, wearing a Tommy Bahama shirt, an
ascot, sunglasses, smoking a pipe, and carrying a
valise, enters. He awkwardly winds his way through
the lunchtime crowd, occasionally stumbling as he
reaches the only booth in the cafe, occupied by
Dennis Nedry, who is eating his lunch and
pretending not to notice this mans approach.
“Dodgson” finally settles into the booth with his
valise.
DODGSON:
(whispering) Nedry..
NEDRY:
(a bit loudly) Hello Dodgson!
DODGSON:
Quiet!
NEDRY:
No, I will not be quiet, for I am the ultimate I.T.
man, working within a top secret multi-million dollar
project out in the middle of nowhere and ALL their
computer security rests on my shoulders–MINE!!!!– and
thus, I live…on the edge. So, heh heh heh, you got
it?
DODGSON:
We’ve concealed an elaborate cryogenic containment
system with the average shaving cream can–it even has
a working nozzle to produce shaving cream if you need
it.
Nedry laughs his wheezy laugh, LOVING this!
DODGSON:
You disengage the bottom of the can to access the
cryo-tube and place the dino DNA inside. We WILL expect
a sample of each dinosaur and have provided you with
the appropriate amount to fill the order.
NEDRY:
Ok, –laughing–let’s have a look.
Dodgson opens his case and empties about 100
mini-travel-sized cans of Barbasol onto the table,
falling everywhere.
NEDRY:
What the hell?
DODGSON:
Yeah, we couldn’t go over 3 ounces and the shaving
cream takes up a lot of space—-yeah–giddyup.
Seinfeld music ends it.
Scene 5
We’re at a big lake/watering hole in JP. Off to
the side we see a big elaborate multi-directional
signpost “T-Rex grounds: 1,000 meters, Raptor
section: 500 meters” etc. By the water is a group
of hadrosaurs and brachiosuars standing around, on
their break. *Note: all dino actors will have the
appropriate species head, tail, claws and hooves
but otherwise just scale patterned dino dance
skins for movement. Example: the brachiasaurus
will have 6 foot long necks with the actor peeking
out out below, etc. They’ll also all stand upright
for the body language.
In “the distance”, we see some hills and greenery,
where eventually, a toy car with marionettes will
act out the familiar scene we know of in the movie
with Hammond, Grant and Sattler.
A triceratops walks in from stage left carrying a
pad and inserted ear-piece with which he’s in
contact with other sections across the park.
TRIC:
Alright, (claps hands) listen up herbavores. Mr.
Hammond’s going to be here any minute with his guests,
the paleontologists…
—all the dinos start laughing—
TRIC:
Settle down, settle down, they couldn’t possibly know.
Now when I yell action, I’ll need you to walk in a back
and forth pattern—very majestic-like—chew a few
leaves, drink a bit of water.
BRACH 1:
what’s my motivation?
TRIC:
You’re hungry and thristy, luv.
BRACH 1:
(excited, revelatory) Yes!
BRACH 2:
I didn’t see where my song was.
TRIC:
You don’t have a song.
BRACH 2:
My genetecist/agent said there’d be a song…
TRIC:
There ARE songs, just not for you.
A young, starry-eyed, fresh-faced goat, with a
bow-tie, and carrying a valise, enters stage left
and approaches the tric.
BILLY GOAT:
’Scuse me sir…
TRIC:
Sorry kid, no auditions today, come back tomorrow.
BILLY GOAT:
No sir, I already passed the audition. You see, I’m
part of the show! I’m supposed to perform on some
platform for a Mr. Rex? It’s part of the dinner show.
Everybody goes dead silent. The tric morbidly
shifts gears.
TRIC:
Hey….hey.. that’s great, kid. Um, listen, why uh, why
don’t you go to props and they’ll set you up, huh?
BILLY GOAT:
Thanks mister! See ya later, guys! (waves, does
jazz-hands) I’ve been Billy!
runs off stage left
BRACH 1:
Well THAT was brutal…
BRACH 2:
Well, I’M not getting anything productive done TODAY!
BRACH 1:
Yeah, I…
TRIC:
Now you listen up…sure, nothing about that whole mess
is going to be pretty but the show must go on.
BRACH 2:
For Billy?
TRIC:
…..sure. Oh!
touches ear-piece
TRIC:
Here they come–places! ACTION!!!
The dinos start moving slowly, back and forth,
sometimes wandering off script a bit as the toy
jeep with the marionettes pulls up and acts out
their parts throughout.
TRIC:
The jeep is rolling, rolling, stopped. OK, it’s a
beautiful day, the sun is out, you’re living life,
you’re not extinct—think “majestic”—smell that air,
it’s spring-time!
Brach-2 slowly starts to raise his arms, twirl and
sing
TRIC:
I repeat, you do NOT have a song here, Brach-2, back in
line, yes, good…why don’t you go eat some of those
yummy leaves? Yes…
in “the distance” the marionettes have come out of
the jeep and have spotted the dinos and we see
them start to react as in the movie.
Brach 2 has been eating leaves and suddenly
weaving and starts to motion as if he’s choking
TRIC:
What are you doing, Brach 2?
Brach 1 moves majestically over to Brach 2
BRACH 1:
He might be choking?
TRIC:
Well, stop it!
Brach 2 keeps motioning as if he’s choking
BRACH 1:
Wow, if you are acting, you are killin’ it, bro…
TRIC:
GAH! The humans see us! (touches ear-piece) Big Ernie,
you there? Listen, I need a diversion, go show off,
thump the ground or something, ’kay? great, thanks.
Brach 2 is slowly drooping over, choking
BRACH 1:
I know the Heimlich, should I try that?
TRIC:
Well YES, TRY THE BLOODY HEIMLICH!
Brach 1 slowly approaches Brach 2 from behind and
starts to do a slow motion Heimlich but it looks
more like an erotic massage the way he’s going
about it…
the Hadrosaurs are simply standing and watching
the entire time, some of them smoking
TRIC:
What the bloody hell are you doing? that’s hardly the
proper way!
BRACH 1:
I’m trying to be majestic..
OFFSTAGE:
I can help!!!
suddenly, Billy comes running in like a rocket
from stage left and butts Brach -2 in the gut
and Brach 2 spews out a giant branch from his
(upper) mouth
BRACH 1:
Well, that’s not the right way to do the Heimlich….
Brach 2 plops to the ground as he collects himself
TRIC:
Good job kid. The humans are leaving. Aaaand, we’re
out.
BILLY GOAT:
Hope ya feel better mister, I gotta go get ready for
the dinner show!
runs off stage left
the tric looks over some data on his pad…
TRIC:
Ok, the humans are going back to home base to watch a
cartoon about how they did all this with the
hermaphroditic frog DNA, then they’ll eat, get ready
and start the tour so we’ve got some time. Let’s break
for now.
They all leave, except for Brach 2, who gets to
his knees and is overcome with emotion at his near
death experience…
BRACH 2:
(emotional)
That….that scrappy lil kidd saved my life >sniff<.
I’ll never ever forget him.
starts to sing…
BRACH 2:
Billlyyyyyy, oh Billllyyyyy…
Tric pokes his head in stage left
TRIC:
Brach 2, you do NOT have a song.
leaves
a beat
BRACH 2:
(screams) BIIILLLLLYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!
Scene 6
We see a row of cast members in auditorium seats
facing the audience (movie they’re watching),
they’re lit from the glowing screen, background is
dark. In the seats from left to right: constipated
Lawyer (looking strained as usual), Ian Malcolm
(in bug eyed wonder), Ellie and Grant (both
stunned), Hammond (beatific smile), his
granddaughter Lexi and her brother Tim (both
oblivious on cells texting). we hear a cartoon
narrator (sounds a bit like Goofy) from the
movie…
CARTOON VOICE:
…and that’s how dinosaur babies are born! Lookit that
mess! eeyuk yuk yuk, naw, just kiddin’, that’s Haggis!
Dino’s hatch from eggs. Thanks to the hermaphroditic
frog junk, we’ve created a miracle and spit in God’s
eye! Thankfully, we’ve thought of everything and
absolutely nothing can go wrong! Now go enjoy your
ride, this is DNA-bler signing off! eeyuk!
ANNOUNCER:
This has been an INBRED production. “INBRED, Bringing
humanity closer to its ancestors.”
LAWYER:
We are going to be rich.
MALCOLM:
Oh, um, yes, yes, very…very possibly, but….but the
potential for disaster…
ELLIE:
Oh, I don’t know, they have security systems run by
com-pu-ters and everything…
GRANT:
Certainly—the cartoon even SAID “nothing can go
wrong.” Honestly Malcolm, everything is “CHAOS!” with
you.
HAMMOND:
Ha ha ha, I love Haggis, don’t you kids?
TIM:
Sure, grandpa…..
LEXI:
yeah-hey grandpa, what’s the wifi password here?
HAMMOND:
“HUBRIS”, all caps.—OH, I should mention we’re having
an issue with a raptor. It’s hiding or loose or
something—nothing to worry about, I’m sure. We’ve
spared almost no expense retaining a wrangler of sorts
to recapture the beast if necessary. He’s around here
somewhere, a gentleman by the name of Muldoon—
Suddenly, there’ a horrific SCRRREEEEEEECCCCCCHHHH
of fingernails on a blackboard as behind them, a
spotlight reveals Muldoon sitting on a stool in front of a large
blackboard scraping the blackboard with a clawed
dino-hand on a stick. Written on the blackboard is
“MR. MULDOON”. He’s eating a cracker.
MULDOON:
Y’all know me. Know how I earn a livin’. I’ll catch
this bird for you but it ain’t gonna be easy-peasy. Bad
Dino. Not like going down to the pond chasin’
hatchlings and Compys. This dino, swallow you chunk by
chunk. Little shakin’, little tenderizin’, and down you
go. We do it quick and you can bring in your tourists,
put your business on a payin’ basis. But’s not gonna be
pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than a part time
gig, chief. I’ll find her for the gig, but I’ll catch
her, put her back in the pen and fully bathe her for
dental and a matching 401K but you’ve gotta make up
your minds. You give me a piece of concessions, I’ll
make her wear a dress and like it. I call her Francine.
a beat..
MULDOON:
Now why don’t you feed them, talk morality and take
these folks on the tour. A three hour tour.
scene
Intermission
Curtain drops with heavy, lush green jungle scene
on it. A little parade of performers dressed as
popcorn, soda, candy etc. come dancing out stage
left to right singing let’s all go to the lobby,
jingling and dancing. When they reach mid stage,
the lights all go RED, the theme from Jonny Quest
starts playing. The concessions are now curious,
looking around. When the pterodactyl cry comes
during the theme, an actual pterodactyl on a wire
will swoop down attacking the tasty food.
Suddenly, it’s a blood bath. Another curtain drops
down ending the aborted intermission
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