Many people love to take naps. My wife, daughter and mother all excel at the practice. That’s great for them. I’m not a huge fan of naps because usually, I’m never quite tired enough to drift off. And on that rare occasion when I *am* tired enough and fall asleep, whether it’s five minutes or an hour, I’m utterly useless the rest of the day. Just a dopey lump.
The worst is being awakened by the phone ringing. Being sprung so violently from the hug of Morpheus, there’s a five second period where I don’t know what’s going on, who I am, who’s on the phone, what day it is, where I am — and if it’s someone *returning* your call, I have to hope I can somehow snap out of it quick. Of course then the problem is that after the five seconds, I am fully cognizant and the absurdity of the situation floods in and I want to start laughing. I have to hope the person on the other end of the line has a good sense of humor as well. Thankfully, this has really only happened to me a handful of times in my life. Still, it’s unnerving.
But coming out of a nap and just being a zombie for the rest of the night has happened plenty if there’s nothing going on. If I’m in the middle of a job, that doesn’t happen, as I’m perched and in a constant mid leap of action. But a lazy, beautiful Sunday afternoon after a long walk taking in a lot of fresh air? Oh, it can happen.
What’s that ya say? You’re pleading, begging, grasping for the answer to the question, maybe the biggest, most important question that CAN be asked, considering the topic of this entry: “Rick, oh venerable one… what IS your favorite comic ever?” Finally, he asked me.
JLA/Avengers by Busiek and Perez. Four, 48 page issues. The epitome of a fan boy’s dream.
There have been some earth shattering comic stories over the decades. A couple with *maybe* a tiny bit better art, or a better script, or maybe even a technically better structured or stronger story. Maybe. But this was a complete package of top notch words and pictures, coupled with every Justice Leaguer and Avenger in all of history, together in the most epic storyline ever. FAR superior to the slap dash crap known as Secret Wars. Gobs and gobs and gobs better than Crisis on Infinite Earths. Heads, shoulders, knees and toes above and beyond any crossover that has ever been attempted. It. Did. Not. Disappoint.
What made it especially satisfying for me was the fact that unlike a lot of fans who have usually been committed DC fans OR Marvel fans, I’ve always been a fan of both, right down the middle since day one. The day I picked up a Batman vs Ras al Ghul treasury edition by Denny O’Neil and Neal Adams and Fantastic Four #112 by Stan Lee and John Buscema – Hulk vs Thing.
Back in the early ’80’s, there was an early attempt to do this cross over. George Perez had even penciled the first 20 page issue. But various forces at DC and Marvel either didn’t play ball or let their egos get in the way and the project died, leaving George very disappointed, along with millions of fans.
One penciled page from the aborted 1980’s attempt
You know what? I’m glad it worked out the way it did. Sure, back then, I was ACHING to see this happen too. Thanks to the first issue, we even got a glimpse of how things were going to play out. Three or four person teams from both sides would duke it out in different historical settings. The first match up was set in a WWI battlefield where Batman, Hawkman and Zatanna battled Captain America, Scarlet Witch and Eros. The two villains who were calling the shots for all this were Kang and the Lord of Time, thus, the varied settings spread across time. And I’m sure it would have been a good crossover, with the heroes finally setting aside their differences and uniting to win the day. But as good as it would have been, there was a good chance that once this crossover project was completed, it would probably never be done again, for a variety of reasons, both financial and creative. In waiting, we eventually got a superior product. Of this I know.
The story we got was more layered and sophisticated than the basic format presented back then. At least the Grandmaster, Metron and Krona were known cosmic entities that propelled the narrative. I’m not even sure who the Lord of Time was and don’t know why on earth they wouldn’t have used the more well known Time Trapper. The original project was to be four, 20-24 page issues. Here, we had twice that. Another factor was the maturing of Perez as an artist as the millennium approached and he started work on this. With the additional 20 years under his belt, George was truly at the very top of his game. It would be another 10 to 15 years before his health would finally force him to lose a step or two with his art.
Finally, waiting also gave us all that much more history, characters and events to be included within the epic story. Just think about all the various changes that all these heroes went through between the beginning of the ’80’s and the beginning of the 2,000’s. All the more fodder for the story. And what a story.
Heroes from two universes racing to collect various cosmic, all powerful MacGuffins from around the universe, all on directions from duplicitous cosmic entities to stop the destruction of their own universe, allegedly from actions of the opposing team. The dimensional shifts adversely affected some of the characters such as Cap and Supes, making them a bit more aggressive and antagonistic, especially when the two core teams finally faced off against each other.
When you’re a kid reading comics, you inevitably want to know who’d win in a fight. Superman vs Thor. Batman vs Captain America. Green Lantern vs Iron man. This was it, the battle to end all battles. And the execution. Oh, the execution was wonderful.
I think THE battle most people wanted to see was Cap vs Bats. Wisely, instead of going all out with these two, they went small. Personal. A face off. The shield was already on the ground, so Batman stayed away from the belt. Dukes up. Maneuvering around each other. Testing each other. Jab. Block. Feint. Parry. And each slight movement was communicated and accentuated by the light rain shower that was falling. It was one of the most brilliant pieces of visual communication ever.
There were other quiet moments, giant moments between all these characters (and properly IN character) I’d loved for decades. Ultimate fanboy moments — this really had everything and if you do like the mainstream big guns or comics in general, I whole heartily recommend you get the collection or individual issues — if you can afford them.
Because of all the red tape involved in splitting up profits, the books have not been reissued, much to the dismay of many a retailer. As I suspected, 20 years down the line, there’s not much chance of this crossover happening again.
Last bit — since they featured everyone who’d ever been part of the teams, I had an extra special treat when in one scene, Cap is working with Batman in the Batcave when in teleports the Thing on a specially designed craft for that type of duty, with Reed and the FF on the monitor explaining some things to Bats and Cap. Batman and the Fantastic Four. All on one page.
This shows you how important it is to NOT SKIM messages or emails. (In fact, you should all of this carefully). You’d think we’d all know how to read, access, understand and absorb emails but no. We don’t. If you run three sentences together to make a short paragraph, you’ve got 50/50 odds on someone not reading it all, misunderstanding it, or completely missing the intended point to such an extreme that they might declare war on your kingdom.
This is where emoji’s come in. Those stupid little graphic ambassadors that are overly used and abused. The only emoji that is really needed though is the makeshift smiley face :). It does help convey a lighter or more humorous meaning and you may need it more than you think. You may think you’re the greatest wit on the continent or just being clever but tone is lost and invisible in emails and messages. Your witty bon mot may do anything from receive a chuckle, raise an eyebrow, or incur the wrath of a now former friend. All because you didn’t take the extra two seconds to add a :). Some people abhor them so much they refuse to use the smiley, thinking everyone should always automatically know when they’re simply having a laugh. Which makes it difficult when they say more serious things very close to the humor and etc., etc. I know someone, good friend, wonderful guy, who’s had to point out a few times in the past after some minor misunderstandings, that everyone should always consider his posts to automatically come with a wink and a laugh. Eh, I just add a smiley to be sure. Then of course I screw up in other ways but that is not the point of this blog post! No, no, no. NO!
Always carefully read your messages, a couple times if necessary, because you will often find a different meaning if even one word is spotted the second time around. Sometimes, I find it helps to lay out separate bullet points headed by asterisks for important sentences, set aside from the smothering nature of the paragraph. It can help get certain messages across a bit more clearly, since it’s not swimming in the middle of said overbearing paragraph.
*Anyway, with all the fun virus crap happening, I wanted to check in with my doctors as to where I’m at with my immune system just to be on the safe side. I figured that since I had the stem cell transplant, I should be brimming with explosively healthily immunity with impunity. But what I failed to fully consider was that I was still undergoing maintenance therapy once every two months for the next couple years. I sent off a message via MyChart to my stem cell doctor. When I got the response, a quick glance told me that because of the maintenance therapy, I was still at “an extremely high risk”, which pissed me off because holy crap, how can it be that bad, and, it’ll be that bad for another three years?!?!? I was relating this to Theresa and even pulled up the message to read it to her, AT WHICH TIME I TOOK THE TIME TO CAREFULLY READ THE ACTUAL SENTENCE languishing in the middle of the paragraph.
It *actually* read that due to the ongoing therapy, I “*could* be considered at higher than normal risk”, which is a HUGE difference from “extremely high risk”. So, instead of me being at a scary 2 of 10 on the immunity scale, I might be closer to 7 or 8. Maybe. I’m neither diagnostician, doctor, immunologist, or mathematician.
But that’s the kind of thing that can happen when you don’t read things carefully. So I hope you read all that carefully, because if you rushed through it, you might think it’s time to fit me for a coffin, when in reality, my immune factor might just be a tad bit lower than normal for the duration of therapy. And since what they’re giving me is an immunotherapy drug to actually reenforce or enhance things, all the better.
So to sum up for those who still skimmed, I’m fine but I misread something that made me think I wasn’t. Oops.
Today is the day that Mickey & Maj: “Grounded” comes on on Comixology — (LINK HERE). So I’m proclaiming this MICKEY & MAJ DAY. I’m fairly sure this is official now. The mayor’s busy.
To date, produced three stories for M&M. The first two were collected together by Action Lab comics and came out in January. (same link) “Grounded” is the last in this particular trilogy.
“Mickey is marooned on an alien planet, looking after an injured Maj. But enemies know where they are…and they’re coming.”
The last story in this opening trilogy, “Grounded” further explores the M&M universe and is Mickey’s baptism of fire. We see more of the Tapestry and the threat level has never been higher. So on this most exciting of days, pass the word, share the wealth and shout from the rooftops that “MICKEY’S IN TROUBLE! SEND HELP!” and download the adventure.
Note: for the time being, “Grounded” will only be available in digital format.
In the meantime, I hope you enjoy the story and here are some shots of just *some* of the Riders and Carpets from the Tapestry.
I’ve always had a problem with the fact that inIllinois, when voting in the primaries, you have to go straight Dem or Rep. This caused a problem for me one time years ago when I desperately wanted to get rid of a certain Democrat and vote for the Republican opposition but at the same time, I had a friend, Jim Bailey, who was running on the Dem side for Judge. Either way, one was going to be a write in. The whole system is ridiculous. I could go on but why descend into politics when we’ve got so much COVID-19 to talk about? Variety really is the spice of life.
I did go vote and there were about 3 people there. This wasn’t unusual though as depending when you go in the morning, it’s usually dead. This year, probably more so. When I went in, staring at the empty gymnasium, save for three lonely booths spread out, there was no one in front of me. Three people walked in behind me though. In the past, there were usually a half dozen people manning the check in line, this time, two. Got my sharpie pen, my big ballot, went to my little hutch, filled in the ovals—careful not to go out of the lines, watched how the sharpie bled through the card to the opposite side, wondering if that’s going to obscure any of the votes on the flip side and decided that would be their problem.
There were no sniffles, no coughs, no tissues, no masks, no gloves, no shade of doom and really, no people, so allegedly, no problem. We’ll see in 14 days.
As he and Penny finished cleaning up so they could rejoin the party, Jack surveyed his extended family spread across the back yard.
Everyone seemed to be having fun, enjoying the sunshine, the long summer day and each other’s company. At one of the few card tables set up for the get-together, Uncle Lou and aunt Denise spent most of their time yakking it up with mom and dad, as to be expected. All four kept an eye on the clock, as they leaned in for more talk. Another generational cluster was breaking up as Jenny, Tom and the kids had to take off. They said they had another party and they promised to make an appearance. Jack wondered if that was true. Jenny was undoubtedly keeping track of the time too and she’d always been the least comfortable with the situation. He wasn’t surprised she was making an early escape.
After kisses, hugs and their departure, Mike and Jess sat back down at their table, only now, turned around and talking with the older group. The kids emerged from the house asking where the croquet set was, having ended the gaming in the basement. Jack’s daughter Kelly, and son Mark were well aware of the time and moved the fun with their cousins up into the back yard with the old farts. Having put away everything they needed to and leaving the rest for whenever, Penny and Jack joined the adults and on it went.
The sun started to get low. Penny started to give Jack The Look. He silently nodded his head in the direction of their guests with a “What do you want me to do?” look of his own. This appeared to mystify Penny. But as the sun sank lower, the conversation quieted down a bit, until finally, made the effort to pull Jack aside.
“Don’t you think you’d better get down in the basement?” his father asked quietly, “The sun’s down!”
“Yeah, I know dad.” said Jack at normal volume “I don’t think I’m going down there tonight.”
All conversation stopped dead.
Mike was frozen. Jess looked like a deer in the headlights. When their fight or flight instincts kicked in, the quietly announced they should probably get going.
“No,” interrupted Jack “Don’t be silly. Stay. It’ll be fine. What do you have to worry about?”
This stopped them in their tracks. They didn’t know how to react. Penny waltzed past Jack grabbing his arm as she went. “What’s the matter with you?” she uttered calmly but forcefully, “Say goodnight and go downstairs!” He stopped.
“No,” again, his regular volume, “Not tonight. Maybe not ever again.”
Penny reacted as if he’d slapped her. Not sure of what to do, she sat down and poured another glass of wine. She wasn’t alone. As the sun fell, the glasses had been raised. Tom had had his usual allotment of beer and dad had already finished off his fourth Manhattan. The girls were on their third bottle of wine between the three of them. All that just to be able to forget where Jack had to go every night. What happened every night. The booze made it a bit easier to ignore the reality of the situation.
Suddenly, it was apparently going get a lot more real than usual. Exponentially more real than any of them could imagine.
“The hell with this,” Tom slurred, “c’mon Jess, get the kids, we’re leaving. NOW.” Everyone started to get up, –this time, with a purpose– when Jack doubled over with a grunt. He was cradling his now seemingly helpless right arm, with its veins popping, muscles violently contracting.
“Too late…” Jack hissed.
And now they were all transfixed. Too scared to move, to talk, to do anything but be scared. Jack tried to hold onto his convulsing right arm, to steady it with his left hand but it was no use. It never was. His arm shook violently, shifting the cheap plastic table cloth back and forth, knocking over bottles and glasses. Jack slammed himself down in a folding chair in front of the table, watching the twisting, warping mass of flesh that was his right arm. Watched as he had every day around this time of night for most of his life.
Mom had buried her head against dad’s chest. Jess stared. Mike trembled. Penny was still. Tears ran down her cheeks. The kids had stopped playing their game and stood there, watching, clutching their croquet mallets, mouths agape.
Jack watched with horrified interest as the writhing flesh started to form other shapes which sprouted from the limb. Two shapes extended until they could bend, then smaller bits began to extend from the end. A bulbous growth pushed out at the very end of Jack’s arm, wriggling then as the blob morphed and grew. The head was nearly formed. Small fingers wriggled at the end of the stumpy arms. The nearly completed head was now swaying back and forth gently on its new neck. Tom threw up on himself. Mom had fainted. Half the kids were crying, half were screaming. The fabric then started to form, growing and weaving out of the fleshy substance, as the features started to take shape on the face. Jack was now relaxed, watching the little green tweed suit wrap around the little body, the red bow tie dot the top of the white shirt. A straw hat now sat askew atop the newly formed mop of hair around jug ears. The head stopped its swaying as its full lips stretched into a broad smile, the button nose settled in amongst the freckles on the flush cheeks and the big, blue, glistening eyes emerged from under the long lashed, rising lids. Finally, the new jaw tested it’s hinges as the mouth opened and closed with a Click. Click. Click.
The bright blue eyes shifted.
I looked Jack. His expression was unreadable but I knew he was ready. I slowly turned my head, around and around again, then stopped, facing the quivering, crying meat puppets. This was going to be fun.
I’ve had a couple weeks to process the revelations of The Timeless Child. It’s a lot to unpack. If it’s real. The BBC has gotten so many complaints about the reveal, that they’ve issued another apology. This being the second time this year– first was regarding Can You Hear Me? Anyway…
Before I get into the fallout, consequences, ramifications, whatever you want to call it. I have to put forth a possibility. That the Master is wrong. In the episode…
We saw a child show up in our universe, and a scientist take her in. The child died, came back, and the scientist experimented on her, killing her repeatedly until she cracked the code for regeneration. That begat the Time Lords. The kid grew up and joined the Division. The Doctor also had a dream about the child. On that circumstantial evidence alone, the Master, who’s nuttier than a fruitcake in this incarnation, just outright names the Doctor as the Timeless Child, as if it’s incontrovertible FACT. Really? I don’t know. (If I’m missing some huge piece of the puzzle that directly connects the two, no question, please speak up.)
The Doctor’s been inside plenty of people’s heads this series, including the Master’s. For my money, she could have picked up images of the child and everything else from the Master’s noggin. The Master could just as easily be The Timeless Child. (Awkward)
Doc Martin could still be pre-Hartnell, and have worked for the Division, yet even *that* doesn’t prove that *she’s* the Timeless Child, just that she’s another incarnation of the Doctor.
The question of the buried police box in “Fugitive”? Maybe it made a psychic connection with the first Doctor it came in contact with for who knows how long (Whitaker) and shifted its form to a police box as a result. Martin didn’t even see the shell, she just beamed in. Actually, that’s pretty sophisticated and something the Doctor’s never been able to do. How is it that she can do that with the TARDIS yet all the “later” incarnations that came after can’t? Actually, We keep saying she’s pre-Hartnell, yet her TARDIS interior is based on the latest model from present day Gallifrey models? Significant, or was Chibs just to lazy to create a different interior for present day Gallifrey?
Okay, now all these are possibilities as to what Chibs might have planned, and maybe he suckered us. But that grand planning all hinges upon one thing: Chibs having the skill, talent and intelligence to be able to implement such a scheme. Okay, granted, that’s not likely. Or at least, he’s never shown that level of complexity before. What we’ve seen so far is probably what we’ve got. Mistakes and stories with a ton of plot holes. Okay. I just had to throw that out there, remote as it might be. Cross those T’s and dot those I’s.
Alright, let’s accept Occam’s duller razor and say there’s no twist and that the Doctor IS the Timeless Child. There are those that are enraged about these developments, some are concerned about them, others are rather apathetic. There’s a feeling from some that these developments are disrespectful to the legacy of William Hartnell. Some look at this as a whole new world of possibilities that have opened up. Many say that this is an arrogant, self important Chibnall seeking so desperately to put his stamp on the show, that he irresponsibly just blew everything to hell and hasn’t thought things through. There may be varying degrees of truth to each one of those. Of the categories, I’m closer to the concerned camp than anything else and yeah, Chibs definitely wanted to make his mark. I just wonder if he’s cognizant of exactly what it is he’s done?
Let’s look at where the Doctor stands if she is the Timeless Child.
*She’s not Gallifreyan at all. She was a mysterious, alien test subject that showed up out of nowhere, from which, a race called the Time Lords were created. She’s not of that race, so if she’s a Time Lord at all, it’s an honorary or adopted title.
*She’s immortal. No matter what, she can not die. She’s billions of years old, has regenerated thousands, maybe tens of thousands of times, maybe a million times. We used to believe that under certain circumstances, if the regeneration process got halted, arrested, etc., that the Doctor could die. Obviously that’s never been true. Or has the Doctor just been incredibly lucky and/or careful since the beginning of time? Doubtful.
*She predates the oldest civilization in the universe. Well, I guess now, second oldest. Some now refer to her as a super god. Considering who and what she is, you’re describing an elder of the universe, *possibly* the oldest living being IN the universe. For all intents and purposes, a god. If Whitaker’s Doctor has time to think in her cell, absorb all the facets of this, what does that do to her head? She’s not only an immortal god, but she’s missing billions of years of memory. Where do you go from there? Also…
*So if she can never die, where’s the threat, the next time a collection of Daleks surround him or her? There’s no real threat at all, which makes for less exciting stories. Hey, let’s regenerate every week!
*Her memory. I’d like to think that any tampering with the Doctor’s memory was done before the regeneration that brought Hartnell as a child into the picture. Make no mistake, *any* tampering with the Doctor’s memory on this scale paints him/her as a victim. Or a dupe. But at least if the worst of it happened pre-Hartnell, we can assume that whatever existed of the Doctor’s family was at least real. At least we hope that to be the case.
Chibs has in fact taken the concept of Doctor Who and has fundamentally changed it. The show is no longer about a renegade Time Lord who left his world of non interference to go experience the universe. No, now the show is about seeing a tiny tiny part, a fraction of a nano second in the life of an amnesiac, God-like elder of the universe.
And the effect on the past 57 years (fraction of a nano second)… That’s somewhat debatable. All those stories aren’t changing one whit. Not one line. But thanks to Chibnall, *we’ve* changed. Can’t help it. And we’re the ones that will be rewatching the stories. And when any reference is made about his past in any way, shape or form, you can hate the reveal, disagree with it, try to ignore it, but that little Chibnall ear-worm will be there whispering “Everything you know is a lie.” In that way, yes, it will effect old episodes and that’s really unfortunate.
There are two ways to end this. One gives Chibnall the benefit of the doubt.
Why did Chibnall choose this path?
Because he’s doing his level best to carve a whole new path for the show he’s watched all his life. Reinvent it, amidst failing ratings and against the advice of others and countless critics who’ve hounded him from the start. He’s doing the best he can to do something fresh.
Why did Chibnall choose this path?
Because he just wants to see it all burn. Because he can. And because he doesn’t have the skill, or the talent to do something new and creative, he has to totally retcon the program to show he’s in charge and manufacture his legacy.
Jodie Whittaker as The Doctor – Doctor Who _ Season 12, Episode 2 – Photo Credit: James Pardon/BBC Studios/BBC America
Finally, the last of my stories from camping week….
Mistakes were made. Things were said. Don, Mike, Jim, myself. We’d set up camp on Friday and we’d been doing this for a number of years by now, so you might say we were old pros who’d figured out the system. Yeah, you *might* think that.
Friday night was spent around the campfire yakking about stuff like usual but Saturday was going to be a day of feasting. Jim had not only brought his wife Debby’s magnificent potato salad in the giant, round Tupperware container, but four steaks, ready to be cooked in grand fashion. The only fly in the ointment was Mike’s giant air mattress. Yes, we had a voluminous tent, plenty big enough for four men. But Mike’s special mattress took up 60% of the tent (really 75% but he’ll argue the point, so let’s say 60% — it still took up the majority of the tent). It was a king size mattress but Mike didn’t want to share, so to sleep in the tent, you could either sleep at the entrance and get walked over or sleep in the corner. On the low point. On a rock. Placed in the middle of your back.
We awoke Saturday morning to find we’d been robbed. Small, furry bandits had somehow broken into our coolers, and absconded with all our food. We saw the remains of the plastic wrap and styrofoam plates the steaks were on, strewn across the area, leading into the thick woods that surrounded our site. Curiously enough, the little bastards manage to cart off the giant Tupperware container of potato salad into the woods, leaving absolutely no trace of the container. Did they decide it was just easier to carry back home this way, pop the top later? That was…. odd.
Of course we were pissed at ourselves for not securing the food properly. The day passed uneventfully, as we had to go get some more food, etc. (nothing was going to equal the steaks and potato salad) but what we really didn’t think too much about was our guests.
That night, we sat around the campfire as we did the night before, until we heard scratching sounds. We spun around to see a big, fat ol’ raccoon on top of the picnic table in between us and our tent. This was one brave bandit. We shooed him out of there but as we sat back down, we began to notice quite a bit of rustling in the trees allllllll around the campsite. And if you looked into the darkness, you could see the fire reflected in eyes, eyes and more little eyes.
It makes sense. This site produced probably the best meal these creatures had had in months, maybe ever. They were back for seconds. The question was, just how bold were they? They’d already stolen our food last night and tonight, one of their number sauntered past us just a couple feet away to rifle through our stuff. There was strength in numbers and we were very outnumbered.
“If the fire dies, we die.” I just couldn’t help myself, I had to say the line. It did not get the laughs I’d hoped for. There were some of our number who were more freaked out than others and this made sleep difficult. Understandable, as it was a bit freaky. The raccoons wanted more meat and they thought we had it.
What also made sleep more difficult was the fact that the temperature was dipping down around 40 degrees and we really didn’t dress for it. Well, I think it would have been okay if not for the occasional light shower that made it a damp cold. I settled down in my sleeping bag with my coat on, wedged between the bottom of Mike’s mattress and the wall of the tent, and tried to conserve body warmth.
Don’t worry, Mike was fine. He was able to stretch his arms and legs, comfortably spread eagle to take full advantage of the king size mattress. It might even have had a warming feature, I don’t know.
After an hour or so, I couldn’t get to sleep and there was water starting to pool underneath me in the low point, covering the pointy rock in my back, coming up through the tent floor and soaking my right arm through the coat. I could see my breath, so I got up and went outside. It was like 3am and Don was still out there with the fire going. I sat down and tried to warm myself. More time passed. At one point, it seemed as though our guests were either no longer watching us or we were so tired, we just didn’t care anymore. I was so tired, I actually went back into the tent and made myself as comfortable as possible. You’d think there’d be *some* other spot I could drag myself to in there, but if there was, I would have. I really couldn’t believe it got so cold.
The next day, we packed up, had a very sad breakfast (best not talked about) and then we left town. That was the last time I went camping.
Turns out Jim forgot to bring the potato salad in the first place.
As was the tradition, the first night, we usually either went into the nearby college town of Whitewater Wisconsin to drink Sidewinders and play pool OR we’d sit around the campfire drinking copious amounts of Point beer, which is what we did this time. This activity of shooting the breeze and killing brain cells went well into the night, until finally, it was off to sleep in our voluminous tent.
But at 3AM, all was not well, as I awoke to such a clatter in my bowels.
Now, for the record, my bowels are usually locked up tight during a weekend camping trip, at least until Sunday, because among other things, I’m not a huge fan of using the outhouses. Especially not staring down into the abyss beyond the rim in your standard outhouse in the broad daylight. Going in there at night? Ha.
So I had quite the dilemma. Not only was it 3am and my bowels were raging, but it was pitch black in the tent. I literally could not see my hand in front of my face. Usually, when camping, you might get some moonlight helping you out but not here. Nothing, zilch, nada. I’m not sure if we even had a flashlight, if so, where it might have been, or where Don and Pam were positioned in the tent and I didn’t want to trip on them. I wish I could have gone back to sleep but the unfortunate taste in my mouth, the ache in my head and the unnatural disaster building in my lower abdomen would not allow that. Although I couldn’t find a flashlight, the roll of toilet paper I thought to bring on the trip was in my case, next to me, so I was able to feel that out. I really didn’t want to wake the others — I hate waking people up — so I reasoned that if I can just get outside the tent, I should get some type of illumination. It had to be a bit lighter outside the tent, right? Wrong.
Blindly managing to zip up the tent, exit and zip down (security), I took a minute to orient myself. I could not *believe* it was still this dark. Had I drunk myself blind? No, didn’t think so. I had to basically go by memory as to where the chairs and the campfire was, where the trees were and a possible trail I could take to do what I had to do. I knew the campfire and center of our little civilization was forward and to my right, so I headed off to the left, blindly feeling ahead of me, walking carefully, slowly. There was a slight breeze but other than that, and the occasional scurrying sounds in the distance, it was fairly quiet. I felt and then passed this tree and that, progressing along and only when I felt I got a decent distance away from the camp but not *too* far away so as to be unable to retrace my steps, I stopped. I don’t think I could have been more than 20 feet into the woods but at least it was away from camp. Did what needed to be done. Toilet paper. I honestly can’t remember what I did with the toilet paper. Remember, I was not at my sharpest, so whether I flung it further into the woods (although I’m not big on littering) or simply wrapped up the offending bunch in a cleaner wraparound for later disposal, I can’t remember.
I then slowly stumbled back in the direction I came, eventually found the tent without falling into it, zipped up, entered, zipped down (security), located my sleeping bag, settled in and slept like a baby for another four hours or so, content in my accomplished mission.
I don’t remember who woke up first. Might have been Don, as, when I came out of the tent, I was greeted with a disturbing sight a few feet in front of me on the ground. Don elaborated. “There’s big pile of shit right next to the campfire. Look it that!”
WHAT. IN. HOLY. HELL. Somehow, someway, I walked for what I thought was five minutes into the woods to safely take a dump in anonymity but in reality, I was five feet away from the tent? And did it right where we all walked? How was that even possible? Well, I said I wasn’t at my sharpest at 3am with a hangover. That was an understatement.
DO I have a good poker face? I’ll say yes. Because I managed to convincingly say “Jesus!” and express astonishment. Now, had I gotten up first and seen it, if I had time, I could have somehow gotten rid of it but that didn’t happen.
Now, the two us just sat there, with the type of early morning hangovered mental fuzziness where you really don’t want to do much of anything, but pondering the origins of a mystery lump of shit in your midst — that you can do. There were stretches of silence, as I was just cataloging my hidden embarrassment about my public embarrassment. After a certain amount of time, I thought it best if I just came clean to Don. He’d probably laugh, Pam will never see it, we can get rid of it, move on.
As I was about to confess, out of the tent comes Pam, who’s greeting by Don reporting “Pam, look, some animal took a giant shit!” Which she marveled at and I froze up solid. Now Pam saw it. Dear, gentle Pam. Staring at my leavings. I couldn’t say anything. Just sat there. The minutes passed. All three of us sat there, recuperating, looking into the distance. After a bit, I thought that no, just say it. They’ll both probably laugh, we’re all friends here and it doesn’t have to go any farther. As I worked up the courage to say something, Don had an observation:
“Maybe it was a big dog…?” and this was enough to shut me up again, as now different animals were being considered as the culprits or vandals. We figured at some point, we’ll have to somehow get rid of it. “Don’t think it’s big enough to be a bear, right?” Don was full of theories. Now, something like a half hour, or 45 minutes had passed and were were starting to move around about a bit, ready to start the day, and I once again wondered if I should say anything at all, when Pam got up.
Started walking toward the tent.
In her flip flops.
Not quite looking where she was going.
And partially stepped in IT.
And flung part of IT up on her leg.
And Don hurriedly took a picture of it.
And with that, I resolved never to say anything. No way in HELL was I about to confess now. Nuh uh. No, no, no, I was going to be Silent Sam. The offended pile was ejected, Pam’s leg was washed and the weekend continued. I never said anything. Life went on.
I stayed silent for the better part of 20 years out of sheer embarrassment. I never told *anyone*, not even Lin. The flip flop maneuver sealed my fate and my silence. And even then, after two decades, when I confessed, I did so to Don and the rest of the gang at a party at Pam and Mike’s house but *not* to Pam (she was hosting elsewhere in the house). My shame was too great. Upon my confession, amidst the laughter, Don yelled “I KNEW IT!” but he could just never be certain enough to say anything. But I finally had that off my chest.
A few years later at another event, I actually did fess up to Pam. I had to unburden myself.
Amongst our camping trips, there had been some rain here and there.
Sometimes, it’s a light rain shower that relieves the heat, no worries.
Sometimes it’s bad in the middle of the night. There was at least one night where we got very little sleep because there was so much lightning and thunder along with a torrential downpour in the middle of the night, I really thought the entire tent would collapse. The next morning, it was if it never happened.
One weekend, it was Jim, Mike, myself and a day full of intermittent showers, so we made a day of it. We’d fashioned an overhead tarp with clear plastic, so we could see the rain hitting the tarp, the impact circles, the waves flowing across the transparent ceiling. Mike and Jim would often bring their guitars and play on trips (or I should say tune up for an unidentified amount of time) and this seemed to be a perfect time to break ’em out. I was attempting percussion and vocals. If this were to be a band, I’d always refer to it as “Under the Tarp”. The jam session went all afternoon long but did yield one result — “Black Bag of Sausage”. What ho…. you say you’ve never heard it? Well, you probably never will because I never wrote it down but here’s a tiny bit:
Got a black bag o’ sausage
Got a black bag o’ sausage
Well it’s hard and it’s wet
Didn’t get it from a vet
And it’s not for you or me
It’s HIS charcuterie
Got a black bag o’ sausage
*Side note: this was also the trip where, having seen Goodfella’s, I was doing a non stop Joe Pesci impersonation. “what, am I a clown?”. Even then, I was a delight.
Another weekend, Jim and I found ourselves in an untenable position, where the storms were non stop and our tent became compromised. The entire campsite was a muddy swamp, and the temperature was dropping, so we said screw it, abandoned everything, hopped in the car and retreated to the Super 8.
The world of camping really can not compare to room service or taking a dip in the hot tub. Yes, the Super 8 is as luxurious as the Ritz when you’re refugees from destroyed campsite.
So yes, when it rained, one way or another, we made lemonade out of that bitch.
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