When is posting up out and out BS click-bait titles for videos going to become a crime punishable by having your YouTube account taken away?
I’m a huge fan of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and superhero tv shows in general. Almost every day, I see some AMAZING ANNOUNCEMENT or BREAKING NEWS or CONFIRMATION or THE RUMORS ARE TRUE! notification about upcoming productions.
Of course, when you open the video, there is no breaking news, confirmation, nothing. No, just another fast talking host blaring out plenty of sound and fury, but signifying NOTHING. They have no news, no startling revelations and worst of all, some of these “celebrities” just keep rambling without ever getting to the point, if they even have one in the first place. Somehow, these people are getting thousands of views for having absolutely NOTHING to say. Amazing.
I fell for it the first couple times. Because I was silly enough to think there was a bit of integrity or honesty with these channels wanting to actually inform people. But, instead, it’s just a bunch of click bait to up their views. A WHOLE lot of crying wolf to an operatic degree. It’s unfortunate because when *any* channel says they’ve got news now, I don’t waste my time. I’ll wait for some credible source.
I won’t mention the names of these channels as they don’t deserve the bump.
That seems a bit thin for a blog if I stop there, so I’ll expand.
Pets are more trouble than they’re worth– to me.
Don’t get me wrong– a lot of pets are loving, lovely and adorable.
I guess maybe I think about pets the way some people think about kids.
They’re nice to experience during a visit but I’m happy to not have to deal with them all the time.
I also don’t want a pet because I’d get too emotionally wrapped up in it.
We once had a bird. I was not in favor of getting a bird. It annoyed the hell out of me. Loud, piercing chirping all day, all the time.
I work at home, everyone else was gone during the day, so I’m the one who had to listen to it. One day, I took the cage out onto the deck, so the bird could be outside. I did not realize the cage door was open.
The bird flew away and never came back.
I hated the bird and at the same time, I was now worried and horrified at what I’d done and felt miserable. After the family got over the shock, they started to mock me, insinuating maybe I mistakenly did it on purpose. Ha.
Yay, pets.
40 years ago, my mother took in a stray cat, I did not want a cat –and specifically stated that I don’t want a cat because I’ll get too emotionally attached to it—but for some reason, she kept the cat and I had to share in the maintenance. We knew nothing about this cat or where it had come from. One day it went nuts, got violent and I don’t remember what happened to it. I think mom took it to a vet, I’m not even sure. Came home and the cat was gone.
There are other stories but they all ended badly.
There’s no way I’m going outside and walking a dog in the middle of winter and then have to pick up after it. And I’m far more of a dog person than a cat person. Maybe that’s due to past experience.
My wife is not a big fan of dogs because she was bitten by a German Shepherd when she was a kid. So we have a kind of pact. No dogs, no cats. She snuck the bird in on a technicality.
I’m also very allergic to some breeds of dogs and cats.
I’ve known people who’ve bought pets that had major medical issues (and major medical bills), behavioral issues, shedding issues, attitude issues, you name it.
No thank you.
And no, having pets is *nothing* like having kids. Kids have ten times the upside and 36 more dimensions. Inevitably, the pet scenario ends in heartbreak.
Mind you, that’s just me. I’m not big on going out on an emotional limb.
Your mileage may vary.
And yes, if a dog or a cat were big enough, they WOULD eat you.
Some idiots keep tigers for pets. It’s juuuuust a matter of time.
In baseball, one of the big, hot button topics between old school and new era players and fans is what a guy does immediately after hitting a homer. Because what you do in those first couple seconds says plenty.
Old school dogma says don’t stand there preening like an arrogant young pup just staring at the ball and flip your bat with an “in your face” attitude. Just be a professional and run the bases.
New era players are the ones doing the big bat flips, the standing, the admiring. They’re more than fine with it.
Keep in mind, this is the difference between two schools of thought, which doesn’t necessarily indicate age—my intention is not to rag on millenials, just pointing out that if you just stand and gawk, whatever your age, *someone’s* going to be inevitably be pissed off somewhere.
The whole showing off at the plate routine has only been around for the last 15 to 20 years though– seems to me to have a reality tv edge to it and this is still –sadly– the Kardashian age of tv and those “celebrities” (?) still have their admirers. That’s just a stab in the dark though.
I would posit, that the arrogant bat flips and the standing admiration gets you street cred on Twitter but works against you in other ways.
And for the record, I myself don’t much care about the bat flips, as long as you’re doing it as you’ve already taken off to round the bases, and are not just standing there gawking in your glory.
Primarily, when a batter hits the home run, and stands there admiring it as if to say REJOICE YE PEASANTS AND MARVEL AT WHAT HE HAS WROUGHT… it comes across as a bit silly because pretty much every other guy in the MLB can do it as well. Yet, these guys act like they invented the home run each time they do it. They’re really not that special.
Next, they never seem to realize it but they’re in the minority with this. The majority of the players are not fond of these guys rubbing their faces in it. The bat-flippers may or may not think that’s what they’re doing but that is the prevailing theory of the guys they’re playing against. It’s possible that the very players THEY idolize may not be a fan of the theatrics.
Then there’s the retaliation aspect. You’d have to be a somewhat unobservant player or downright dense at this point to not know that after putting on your little “look at me!” show, the next time you step in the box, you’ll probably get a 90 mph fastball in the middle of your back. And then, when that happens, it can’t possibly be a surprise and yet the showboaters then get angry, asking “what’s that for?!?!” So hey, do your thing but don’t go crying when you get beaned. There are consequences.
Then there are the magnificent glory shots…that don’t go out. I’ve seen numerous instances where the batter gets the barrel on the ball, crushes it, stands, admires, flips, then slowly starts the jog to first, I am the man, OH YES. Except the ball stayed in the park, bounced off the wall, and what would have been an easy double or possibly a triple, was now a single because you were busy admiring yourself. It’s actually funny watching the player doing the slow jog, supremely pleased with himself, then suddenly realizing the ball didn’t go out, gets the “OH SHIT!” embarrassed look on his face, and mentally readies himself for the oh so richly deserved ribbing later in the dugout.
It’s my take that when you screw around at home plate after hitting a homer, that kind of attitude sometimes bleeds over with some players in other areas of the game, like when the balls hit into play, running to first. Some players, instead of running for your life, they seem to be running for the phone.
Joe Maddon was a big proponent Respect 90. Always run it out to first base no matter what, because you never know when something might happen during a play. Someone might bobble the ball, screw up the play, and by running like you mean it, you also put pressure on every infielder to be that much quicker and you open them up to mistakes.
The bat flip and admiring stance, is that a demand for respect? It definitely gets you attention, but respect? Dunno. Depends on who you talk to.
side note: although I’ve got a couple shots of Tim Anderson in here, it’s only because when I punched in “egregious bat flips” into Google image search, Anderson got a lot of hits, but a couple Cubs have been guilty of it as well (Javy and Willy).
What the bat flippers, the Manny Machados and Tim Andersons of the baseball world don’t seem to understand –or care about–is that hitting the homer itself automatically gets the respect. Boom. Job Done. THAT is the most powerful statement you can make and the other players will signify. You’re already the idol of millions. You hit it, you run the bases. No need to rub it in anyone’s face after already ruining their day.
And no, I’m no athlete, never been one, don’t have the skills.
I also don’t get paid millions of dollars, they definitely have me there, and kudos to them, I say!
Say you’re marooned in some hostile environment. Perhaps an alien planet, a dangerous jungle teeming with giant carnivores or who knows what? You might face a bear, a giant spider or roving bands of thugs/revolutionaries/mutants/curious slugs. Or a Myrka!
Unless you think you can face your situation alone and come out triumphant, you have one chance.
You have a recall device. A special mechanism to be used only in the gravest emergency. It uses a specific nucleotide genetic-lock-trace to find one particular person anywhere in the universe and transmat that person to your precise location to help you.
That person this device is specifically coded to is the Doctor.
With this device, you can literally scoop the Doctor from anywhere or any*when*, and right to your side. AND you can even punch in the incarnation number. You can choose which Doctor you get. All that’s the good news.
The bad news is, A) no one cleared this with the Doctor, who’ll certainly have something to say on the matter, and it likely won’t be pleasant. B) this device is of Time Lord origin, that’s why it can grab the Doctor specifically from any WHEN, which will induce more complaining. C) You’ll get the Doctor but not the TARDIS. Not sure how long it’ll take for the old girl to catch up to the transmat beam.
So, not knowing how long you may have before who knows what comes bursting through the trees, you HAVE to make a decision which Doctor you want with you in this particular setting.
Hmmm, which version could find some way to ward off a bear, trick a giant spider, or fight off a gang of wild savages?
C’mon, you know who.
It’ll be Pertwee.
I mean sure, most Doctors can outwit aliens and come up with great plans for overthrowing galactic despots…the first, fourth, fifth, sixth and twelfth can handle themselves in a fight one on one, the fourth can command any room–if you were in a room, and they can ALL tell you to run when they say run. But there are times when you may need to break out the Venusian Akido on a group of savages, or whip out the ol’ pocket watch to mesmerize a giant beastie. You might have to take on a Minotaur by waving your cloak or start wrestling some giant native.
Pertwee. He’ll barely stain the velvet.
Okay, granted, if it IS a Myrka, we’ve already seen that karate is utterly useless against it. Perhaps a Venusian lullaby might work there.
Pertwee. The ruffles will remain fluffed.
Sometimes, you need a little bit more brawn to compliment the brain and let’s face it, number three’s the most hands-on of ALL the Doctors, and he’s got an ARMY at his disposal!
The Eleventh once bragged he repelled an alien invasion of earth without a TARDIS.
Pffft. The Third did that regularly for three years!
Pertwee. He’s like Shaft, only posh.
So yeah, bring on that magnificent white mane and those flowing cuffs.
And whatever’s waiting in those bushes, sure……come on out.
Because you’ve got a friend here who’d like to say…
“HAIIEE!!!”
*Look for our other Pertwee related discussions:
“How is it that only Pertwee can successfully Run With Scissors”?
“Pertwee vs a cougar– who wins? (Pertwee)”
“Pertwee– High Fashion, High Danger”
“Pertwee: Taught Chuck Norris everything he knows”
“The Neutron Flow: A constant source of irritation”
Talking about the always entertaining James Garner, you are doing yourself a disservice if you don’t check out his very first tv show at some point: Maverick.
Running from 1957 to 1962, Garner plays Bret Maverick, a professional card player in the late 1800’s wild west, who quite often manages to find trouble as often as a card game. Roy Huggins created the show and did a really nice job provided full, action packed, intriguing stories with solid characterization. Some westerns would be half hour adventures and with the serio-comic undertones to the show, Maverick could have run just 30 minutes as well but they did a full hour and really packed a lot of story in there.
The very first ep I watched, “The Day they hanged Bret Maverick” is a masterclass in storytelling. In the first five minutes of the episode, it’s quickly established that:
one night, a guy robs a bank in one town,
travels to the next,
spots Maverick coming into town,
sees where he rents a room,
sneaks into said room while Maverick’s sleeping,
puts a *bit* of the stolen cash in Maverick’s wallet,
Switches his gun with Mavericks,
Same with his hat and leaves,
tips off the sheriff that some stranger came into town,
And since everyone’s looking for the robber, they go into Mavericks room,
Finds the cash, gun and hat identified by witnesses,
Puts Maverick on trial,
Shows witnesses pointing at him and nodding their heads,
The judge sentencing him guilty and to hang in the morning.
ALL of that was communicated perfectly in the first five minutes. And at this point, the story begins with Maverick having to talk his way out of hanging.
Just utterly brilliant, and amusing and entertaining. Just typical Maverick– and Garner.
But it doesn’t end there. The producer knew he had a solid hit on his hands so he doubled down. He had half the episodes showing the adventures of Bret Maverick and the other half showing stories about Bret’s brother Bart Maverick played by Jack Kelly. They were slightly interchangeable but being brothers, it made sense that they both committed to the family past time of poker.
And sometimes, they’d star together in a story. Kind of a treat for the fans. Show creator Huggins left the show after the second season.
Garner left the show after the third season, due to some contractual or legal issue where he was suing the studio. As I said he seemed to do that here and there. The studios were kinda known for screwing over celebrities though, so it’s nice to see one of them fight back. For the fourth and fifth seasons, Kelly kept up his half of the stories, while cousin Beau (Roger Moore) from over in England took on the others.
I’ve only watched about 20 eps by this point, but plenty more to go.
For some reason, Garner always got the lion share of the attention whenever there’s talk of the show, but it’s worth noting that Kelly did just as good a job as Bart and the scripts weren’t written for any one brother. They really were interchangeable–they just added their win spin to the episodes.
Much like Rockford, Garner’s Maverick came back for a TV movie appearance in the ’80’s and had a cameo in the Mel Gibson Maverick movie as well.
Peter Parker’s mind, trapped in the terminally ill, decaying body of Otto Octavius is dead.
Otto Octavius’ mind now possesses Parker’s body.
But not all is as it seems. In Peter’s last moments, his entire life flashed before his eyes AND Otto’s. Otto experienced all of Peter’s life at once and it changed him.
Your life experience is a big part of what shapes the person you become and in that moment, Otto really did get what being Parker and Spider-man were all about and he resolved himself to be a better man, to use his many gifts to help humanity and actually BE a Superior Spider-man.
In one life changing moment, the evil super genius was replaced by a man truly seeking redemption.
Mind you, he was still an arrogant jerk who often spoke like a super villain. He couldn’t help himself, but he was legit going to try his best, in both science and Superheroing.
And he did!
Otto applied his scientific brilliance to inventions and specifically updated, modified and enhanced everything about the way Spider-man operates. Adding enhanced properties to his eye pieces, extra mechanical arms, even employing nano tech with spider-tracers into his finger tips along with dangerous offensive claws.
He created an army of small spider-bots that would patrol the city as his eyes and ears to root out potential trouble or to find his enemies. He also gave the police a huge boost by employing a sort of triage to crime reports, as his bots would notify police of any wrongdoings in the vicinity, things more suited to their capabilities, while he focused on the higher priority problems.
In short, he truly was a Superior Spider-man in every way.
Unfortunately, Parker was still a problem. On a couple levels.
Otto wanted to start developing new inventions, breakthroughs, etc., since he was now Doctor Parker.
One problem. Peter never got his doctorate. This angered Otto and blew his mind, that Parker never even managed to accomplished this, so HE had to do it FOR him. So back he went to university to rectify it.
Another problem — Peter wasn’t quite dead and gone. He was mostly dead, but not all the way. Peter’s essence was still in there but at the moment, all he could do was observe everything Otto did. The scariest and most horrific backseat ride ever.
Peter could see Otto successfully accomplishing everything Peter could and should have done as Spider-man.
Otto was totally oblivious to Peter’s presence though.
Unfortunately, Peter could also see Otto’s memories of *his* past life, including the romantic time he spent with Aunt May–it…was a thing many years ago.
And even MORE unfortunately, he could do nothing but watch as Otto tried to hook up with Mary Jane. Good thing for Peter then, that Otto had absolutely no game whatsoever. Things moved way too slow between them –thank goodness– and Otto actually found someone else at university, one Anna Maria Marconi.
Otto was impressed and taken with Anna Maria on many levels. Not only did she have a keen intellect but, as a little person, faced her share of challenges, which Otto could relate to from when he was the abused little fat kid.
It was quite a lovely relationship and Anna Maria was good for Otto, who had everything running and operating quite well, right down to creating his (Peter’s) own corporation.
And during this time, let’s not forget that Spidey was appearing in several books a month, all featuring Otto as TSS. And it was kinda wonderful.
Of course Otto could be an intolerant, opinionated jerk, but he was also incredibly logical and most of the time, made a lot of sense. He was usually right. The only thing working against him was his brusque attitude. But, oh, there were moments, brilliant moments.
At one point, he was summoned to the Baxter Building, HQ of the Fantastic Four. Otto naturally assumed that since Peter and Reed had worked together in the past, that Richards was once again seeking a friendly consult of some sort or maybe his other skills were needed for something else. So you can imagine how he took it when it turns out that it wasn’t the actual FF but the temporary replacement team (Ant man, She Hulk, Medusa and some woman in a Thing suit) who was heading off on a mission. They just contacted Spider-man to watch the kids. Priceless.
He also featured in his team up book and met up with the X-men to battle a giant spider creature in Manhattan. A battle plan already in his head, he quickly started shouting orders, and being pure Otto, raised Wolverine’s suspicions. But when Logan got on his case, instead of the usual response Spidey would give, backing off with a joke or a yessir…..Otto kicked his ass. Otto Octavius, in Spider-man’s body, pounded the hell out of Wolverine and knocked him out. It was a pleasure to behold because let’s face it, even the X-men admitted they’ve all wanted to do that to him at some point.
The biggest hurdle was the Avengers though, since he, as Spidey, was a member in good standing, the team tried to basically interrogate him as to his recent conduct in the field. Otto, as Spider-man, was a lot more brutal on crime, with only the presence of Peter managing to exert at least enough control to stop him going further. They were suspicious and Otto feared they might somehow detect he was not who he said he was. The disembodied Parker was ecstatic though, that they would find out. Cursory tests came up inconclusive. But before they could do an ultra deep probe into his psyche, Otto beat them all to the punch, angrily taunting Captain America himself about not respecting Otto’s rights, his personal *freedom*. Cap relented. Game set and match, Otto.
At one point, Otto did come to realize Peter was still in there and set about extinguishing that spark and seemingly did so.
I’ll be honest. Yes, it was an evil plan Otto had to take over Peter’s life, and it succeeded.
And really, it was the mist interesting the book had been in many, many years.
But we all knew Otto couldn’t keep Peter’s body. But to turn it around, you would have to write quite a story. It was in the hands of Dan Slott.
Frankly, I thought the end result was lacking. A bit weak. I didn’t quite buy it.
Basically, while Otto was setting up *his* operation, Norman Osborne, the Green Goblin, was amassing his own grand plans with a Goblin army behind Otto’s back and underneath the city, away from prying eyes.
When Osborne launched the attack against the city in earnest, we’re led to believe it was all too much for Otto, who eventually weakened his resolve enough for what little of Peter was left to get a hand hold. Eventually, Otto preferred that Peter come to the forefront, and regain control, as this was the type of fight he was much better at staging. Most of all, he felt Peter was better equipped to save Anna Maria, who was in danger along with all Peter’s friends and family. So Otto stepped aside for Peter to take over, thus jettisoning Otto forever from Peter’s head.
And Peter battled back and stopped the Goblin, blah blah blah.
Later, Peter had to break the bad news to everyone else about what had been going on. Including poor Anna Maria.
Sure, Slott did what he had to do to bring back the status quo but it was a boring status quo. Otto was pretty brilliant, and I have a hard time believing that the guy who came so close to ruling the world, and could manage leadership of the Sinister six and so many operations in the past, couldn’t take down crazy Norman Osbourne. A little bit too much on the nose for my money. I didn’t buy it, any more than I buy Peter managing so much better. And Peter….
Peter gets his own body back, his life back, plus he’s now got the doctorate Otto got for him, a successful corporation, inventions and patents Otto got for him. Nothing he himself had earned.
I guess you could say it could be considered just reward for what Otto put him through.
But of course within a rather short amount of time, Peter managed to lose everything and go bankrupt. Nothing to do with the Parker luck, just Peter being an idiot. And he really shouldn’t be. Depicting him as a loser on this scale is just sad and that’s why I stopped following the book after Otto went away.
I think they tried to put together another Superior Spider-man book working some time displacement angle or I don’t know what but it wasn’t the same.
And it’s a shame.
Because for a while, the book and the character were actually interesting again.
Sometimes, when doing my daily Spanish lesson, I come across a phrase that just makes me laugh. Because it just seems so beautiful… “La mantequilla es barata aqui”….
I’m writing this Sunday night, still thinking about having witnessed my first no-hitter by a Cubs pitcher in –maybe– ever. Alec Mills, a college walk-on pitcher who worked his way up through the ranks to the majors, threw a no-hitter against the Milwaukee Brewers today. It was only the 16th no-hitter ever in Cubs history, going all the way back to the 1800’s. Mills background is somewhat of Cinderella story but another reason this no-hitter was such a stunner is that he’s more of a finesse pitcher like Hendricks, not a barn burner/strike out king like Scherzer. Mills greatest strength is that he limits hitters to a lot of weak contact. He gave up a few walks, only had five strike outs, but no one could get anything going against him and he was simply on top of the situation and all his pitches were working great.
It was just a major feat and really heart warming accomplishment and I’m really glad I got to witness it.
It’s only one I ever watched live.
*Maybe* I was watching one or both of the Holtzman games in ’69 or ’71, Burt Hooten in ’72 or Pappas in ’73, as I was already a Cubs fan but that was a long time ago and frankly, I can’t really remember. Although I have possibly a dim memory of Burt Hooten. But it is possible I just remember there *being* a Burt Hooten, which doesn’t help.
I missed the Zambrano game at the remote site in ’08.
But hey, you’d think I’d have been watching at least one of the two no-no’s that Arrieta tossed in ’15 or ’16 but no, I only caught footage after the fact.
Eight of the 16 happened in my life time.
Ken Holtzman
The other eight? Five of them happened in the 1800’s, when everything was sepia tone, and one guy had the first three!
Surely you remember Larry Corcoran?! He, along with his faithful catcher, Silver Flint (that is a real name) delivered three gems for their skipper Cap Anson, against the Boston Red Caps in 1880, the Worcester Ruby Legs in 1882 and the Providence Grays in 1884. First of all, these were some great names of teams and maybe the greatest name of a catcher EVER. Second, can you believe that Corcoran, he of the three no-hitters, never made it into the Hall of Fame? That’s unfortunate.
Larry Corcoran
John Clarkson took advantage of Silver Flint’s amazing ability to call a game and ALSO delivered a no-no against the Grays in 1885 for skipper Cap Anson.
Back to great team names, in 1898, Walter Thornton no-hit the Brooklyn Bridegrooms.
Then you had sweet Jimmy Lavender, who stymied the New York Giants in 1915, Sam Jones gave no quarter to the Pittsburg Pirates in 1955 and Don Cardwell stopped the Cardinals cold in 1960.
But that’s it. The entirety of Cubs no-hitters going back almost 150 years!
It’s rare,
It’s awesome sauce,
And I’m honored to finally watch one.
Congratulations Mr. Mills, you made some history today.
*Side note #1: Victor Caratini caught he game for Alec today and he got a hug.
His name isn’t quite as cool as Silver Flint though. Sorry Vic.
*Side note #2: Lucas Giolito no-no’d for the White Sox a few weeks ago, making this the only season where both The Cubs and Sox pitchers threw no-hitters.
*Side note #3: during the Milt Pappas game, he had a PERFECT game going with two outs in the ninth inning, when home plate umpire Bruce Froemming called one pitch ball four instead of strike three, thus taking away the PG. Milt was very angry.
*Side Note #4: Carlos Zambrano threw his no-hitter at Milwaukee’s Miller Park against the Astros in 2008 as a neutral site because of a hurricane threatening Houston. So… the only no-hitters thrown in the Milwaukee Brewers home park–TWO of them, have been thrown by Cubs pitchers. For AP,ace that’s usually known as Wrigley North, that has GOT to piss off Brewer fans.
In an ongoing effort to not only entertain and reminisce but also to inform, I thought it might be helpful give a few examples of how to help people out in various situations on the phone. Some day, society will create some type of emergency hotline with an easy to remember number and then you can call them. But until we reach that crazy utopia, I think this info I’m about to pass on to you will be invaluable.
Rest assured, these are all official and responsibly recognized as proper phone ettiquette taken from 1970’s television shows, most of them airing in prime time from *each* of three channels. So the following methods *must* be right but for god’s sake, don’t try this at home.
Take note: In each scenario, I will be answering the call and solving problems/saving lives but my demeanor will be reassuring, my voice calm, yet forceful.
>ring<
Me: HELLO. I’M HERE TO HELP.
caller: hey man, I ate some shrooms and the trees are yelling at me…
HEY MAN, I DIG, I DIG. ARE YOU IN A TENT, THE WOODS OR A DOMICILE?
I’m in a tent, man.
GROOVY. THERE HAVE BEEN FRIENDLY WARNINGS ALL DAY AROUND THE FESTIVAL ABOUT THE BROWN MUSHROOMS AND NOT TO TAKE THEM.
Festival?
THAT LAST BAND WAS OUTTA SIGHT. ANYWAY, WHAT KIND OF SHROOMS DID YOU TAKE? THEY WERE NOT BROWN, WERE THEY?
Maybe?
WHAT’S YOUR NAME, MAN?
Billy…
OKAY, LISTEN JAZZ, WE ARE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.
Thanks man, I —
YOU ARE NOT GONG TO DIE ON ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH.
Wha—
I TOLD YOU, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE, JAZZ, YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TO LIVE FOR. CAN YOU STILL SEE YOUR SURROUNDINGS?
Uh, yeah, I see the tent…
INDUCE VOMITING
Really?
DO IT, DO IT NOW, JASMINE BABY, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE. DO IT DO IT!
>herk<
DID YOU DO IT JAZZ?
Cough- yeah… I made a mess in the tent…
OMAR IS PROUD OF HIS JASMINE, OMAR LOVES YOU BABY!
Wha–
>click<
That one was relatively easy, just keep them talking and induce vomiting. The next one presents a bit more of a challenge:
>ring<
HELLO. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Please help me, the pilot, the co-pilot, and everyone else are all dead, I’m all alone, trying to fly the plane!
WAS IT THE FISH?
What?
ON THE FLIGHT—DID EVERYONE BUT YOU EAT FISH? THEN THEY DIED?
I ….I don’t know, the person sitting next to me did I think. I didn’t, but—
KNEW IT. THEY NEVER LEARN.
What am I supposed to do?
DON’T EAT THE FISH, FOR ONE THING.
I meant about flying the plane! You’ve gotta help me! There’s a mountain!!!!!!
CALM YOURSELF, YOU ARE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF. DO YOU HAVE A PEANUT ALLERGY?
No….why? What does that–
JUST CURIOUS. IT IS THE DAMNEST THING HOW PEANUT ALLERGIES ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE THESE DAYS. DID WE JUST NOT RECOGNIZE IT WAY BACK WHEN OR IS THIS ALL THAT MONSANTO CRAP AGAIN? I CANNOT FIGURE IT.
Listen, please, please tell me what to do, we’re headed straight toward the mountain!!!!
DO YOU HAVE STEERING WHEEL IN FRONT OF YOU?
Y-yes…
WELL THEN TURN AWAY FROM THE MOUNTAIN, HOW HARD IS THIS? OR HERE’S AN IDEA, GO OVER THE MOUNTAIN.
Okay, okay, I’ve got it, we’re turning
HEY, WHAT IS YOUR ALTITUDE? SHOULD BE A DIAL THAT SAYS ALTIMETER AROUND THERE SOMEWHERE, OH, ALSO A LITTLE TINY PLANE GRAPHIC THAT YOU CAN LINE UP IN CROSSHAIRS TO SEE IF YOU ARE LEVEL, I ALWAYS LIKE THAT ONE.
Uh…altimeter says 1,233 feet–now it’s 1,100 feet
YIKES, YOU ARE VIRTUALLY PLUMMETING. CAN YOU FIND AN AIRSTRIP, A STRAIGHTAWAY SECTION OF A HIGHWAY OR A HUGE MEGA-MALL PARKING LOT?
I… I don’t know…
HEY, WHAT IS YOUR NAME, HONEY?
Frank…
OKAY JAZZ-SWEETIE, YOU AND ME, WE ARE GONNA LAND THIS BIRD TOGETHER, OKAY?
O-okay…
FIND AN AIRSTRIP YET, OR A QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD?
No, th-the ocean is getting closer though…
OCEAN? WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?
We were on our way to Seattle…
AH. OKAY, CHANGE OF PLANS. YOU SAID EVERYONE ELSE IS DEAD?
I *think* so but—
OKAY, KINDA AWKWARD, BUT IF THERE IS A CONVENIENT OCEAN AROUND, JUST PUT HER DOWN THERE. BRIGHT SIDE, A LOT LESS PROPERTY DAMAGE, AND WE DON’T HAVE TO REALLY TEST MY KNOWLEDGE ON MAKING A PERFECT LANDING. IN FACT, THIS IS PERFECT! WE HAVE A WHOLE OCEAN TO WORK WITH! I NEVER COULD ACCURATELY ADVISE ON USING THE REVERSE THRUSTERS AFTER YOU SET DOWN ON LAND ANYWAY. YOU WOULD LITERALLY JUST SPEED THROUGH NEIGHBORHOODS, CITIES, ETC. UNTIL YOU CRASHED. THIS, MY BEAUTIFUL JASMINE, IS ALL GOOD NEWS. OKAY, BEFORE YOU HIT THE WATER, PULL BACK ON THE WHEEL, KEEP THAT NOSE UP, GOT IT?
Aaaaaaaaaaaa*
JAZZ?
>click<
All things considered, that ended as best it could. We in the business call that “a convenient ocean placement”. But I hope you took note about keeping the nose of the airplane up. Always keep that nose up. I can’t tell you how many shows employed that advice. Okay, one more to end on. Pretty standard but worth covering.
>ring<
HELLO, THIS HAD BETTER BE IMPORTANT.
Yes, my wife and I are in a restaurant and she’s in labor!
CONGRATS! MY MAN! OKAY, HOW FAR APART…
Contractions are a minute apart and she looks pretty well dilated…
OH, THIS ISN’T YOUR FIRST CHILD?
It’s our sixth…
OH COME ON JAZZ, SERIOUSLY, —SIXTH?! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EVEN NEED ME FOR? THAT LITTLE SUCKER IS JUST GONNA SQUIRT OUT, JUST MAKE SURE YOU’VE GOT BIG CLEAN TOWELS OR CLOTH NAPKINS TO CATCH THE NEW ARRIVAL.
Wahhhhhhh…..
AND, THERE YOU GO.
>click<
That was a bit disappointing– never even got the chance to tell him to tell her to push. But six? Good lord, a sneeze might do it.
Well, I’m exhausted.
This has been the wealth of my knowledge in these matters.
Keep in mind, I’m neither a doctor, nor air traffic controller.
Last helpful tip: At the end of a call, no matter who it is, just utter “You sound delicious.”
Until next time, remember to keep the nose up, because the thing IS.
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