Today, we’re going to highlight a few of the more unusual pieces from my Thing collection.

Once in a while, I would search through eBay for interesting figures of the Thing in one form or another. There are some truly great ones and bizarre ones that I’ve never bothered with because of the price but as we can see, there are plenty of cheap options available. there’s never been much of a backstory to a lot of these pieces because they’d get plopped on eBay and off you go. I’ll tell you what little I do know about them.

First up is a marble with a tiny Jack Kirby illustration of the Thing on it. The King is not well represented in Thing merchandise in my collection and I find that sad. Of the plethora of Thing action figures and statues that have come out, none have accurately represented Jack’s work or really even attempted it. there was the time when the Randy Bowen company attempted to honor Kirby by doing a series of the Fantastic four statues based on an old over-sized Treasury edition comic reprint. It was a excellent book with an excellent cover and the statues are truly fantastic, I have the set. I appreciate the fact that they tried to honor Jack by sculpting the statues off the illustration. Unfortunately, in conversation with them, I had to give them the bad news that the illustration wasn’t done by Kirby but in fact, John Romita Sr., who had taken over the art chores on the FF after Kirby left. Ooops. Still, so many figures have come out since in the style of many other artists, Davis, Adams, Wieringo, McKone, but no Kirby. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a crime. 

This next selection contains some of the Mexican bootleg figures that are often prominent on eBay. All they usually are listed as are “Mexican bootleg! The Thing!” some are in such bad shape and expensive enough that I pass on them but then you get fun ones that are bad, yet clean, in decent shape and worth the $20 plus shipping. amongst this layout, you’ll see an egg shaped Thing, a slingshot, a 12” figure with almost no articulation and honest to god, a lamp, cheesy as hell. But it works!

Then we have the curious case of Thing sculpted out of wood. Very detailed and impressive, considering the medium. the once pointy teeth (?) have been shaved down to make it less disturbing (and really, the Thing isn’t even supposed to have teeth but I digress. It’s a very nice piece, and it has an orange stain to it as well. not a bad price for it either, if memory serves. It stands about 16 inches tall.

Next, this smiling, happy, stuffed, cushy, Thing figure is a rather big bundle of love around 16 to 18 inches tall. His claim to fame is that a couple of times, while my wife was downstairs cleaning, it leapt off the shelf and jumped on her ass. Twice. 

Finally, the latest addition to the collection from the Marvel select division of action figures, piece #150!

I hope you’ve enjoyed looking at my Things…

Time to put this to bed.

I’ll say they stuck the landing, what the hell. It would have been very difficult to maintain the quality they built to in part 3 but they did a decent job. 

Arrow: Part four was the establishing of Ollie as the Spectre, the origin story of the Monitor and Anti-Monitor, and the regrouping of the heroic avatars. Flash had to zoom around the speed force collecting his friends blah blah blah but the highlight was the Grant Gustin TV Flash  meeting the DCCU Ezra Miller Flash, adding a whole new dimension to the proceedings *and* lending Miller’s Flash some extra validation. Finally, the big battle at the dawn of time to take down the A-M, where many a flimsy shadow demon lost their wispy lives and Ollie/Spectre sacrificed his life to beat down the A-M and create the spark of the new universe while the avatars did….something…to help birth a new universe. They weren’t big on details. But evidently, the Multiverse was back! Somehow. Fade to white. 6/10

Legends Part Five: The multiverse was back but different. Flash, Supergirl, Black Lightning and the Legends are all on the same earth now. Everyone (including guest cameo Crisis writer Marv Wolfman) remembers it always being one earth with Flash and Supergirl together on it. Only the avatars remember what really happened except for Superman, who wasn’t an avatar but also wasn’t aware of how many kids he had now. Yeah, don’t know they screwed that up. There may have been some last minute shoehorning in of Superman since he’s got a new show coming out. They’re getting used to the new status quo, with ‘Jonn going around mentally clueing in the other heroes, battling giant stuffed animals because the Legends is a comedy show, etc. They discover that although the multiverse is back, the Anti-Monitor is not dead, so here come the wispy shadow demons and the A-M is growing to giant size and more powerful. Ray, Wells and Ryan Choi create a shrinking bomb that will continue to shrink the A-M into the Atomverse forever. We then get some marvelous fan service.

The Crisis being finally over, Ollie/Spectre narrates how the multiverse sprung forth again and shows glimpses of various earths:

Green Lantern and OA (coming soon to HBO/DC  streaming)

Titans (DC streaming service)

Doom Patrol (DC streaming service)

Stargirl and the Justice Society of America (DC streaming and CW)

But best of all, the former Kingdom Come Superman played by Brandon Routh, now in his familiar shot, flying above the earth, in the regular costume and colors, complete with the John Williams theme. This is the show/movie that I *want*.

Finally, the heroes gather together for the remembrance/dedication to Ollie and to represent their various shows. Once done, Barry announces that the space can be a new HQ whenever they need to get together in the future for any world threatening event. He even unveils the round meeting table and custom ID chairs. I would be absolutely stunned if this isn’t a prelude to the Justice League of America. As we leave the scene, we see that Gleek the monkey from Superfriends has escaped his cage and the exterior reveal is that the new HQ is in fact, the Hall of Justice from the Superfriends and the familiar theme plays us out. It actually was pretty rousing and exciting.  All in all, 7/10, well done. 

I know of at least one friend whose 10 year old son was so excited after watching it, he couldn’t get to sleep and was buzzing about it the next morning on the way to school. That’s a win.

Yes, yes, I was also humming the Superfriends theme for a full 30 minutes after the show too……it’s catchy!

• • As a regular contributor to the Doctor Who Companion — a lovely website run by a lovely man, Philip Bates, — it was my turn to do the full on review for the latest episode of Series 12, “Nikola Tesla’s Night of Terror”. Written by Nina Metivier, the story takes place in 1903 New York, where Nikola Tesla has gained some Deadly attention with his work. While not spectacular, it is a step up from the usual Chibnall script antics. The entire review can be found HERE. Tell everyone you know.
• “The Emil Farful Collection” is an assortment of thoughts and observations from Emil Farful, the Mad Monk on the Mountain. These absurd delights are communicated to me in Semaphore and then I illustrate them for you, the reader. You can find these humorous flights of idiocy available on Amazon but I present the link to you….. and only you, HERE. Now, go tell everyone what link you just got.
• Mickey & Maj, the Book One and Two Collection is finally out as well! It should be available at your local comic store. If not, tell them to order it pronto! These are the adventures of 7 year old Mickey Hawthorne and his ancient, talking, flying magic carpet, Majestic. Fun, humor, heart and adventure as M & M explore all of time and space. But if you can’t make it to a comic store, try ComiXology, or even Amazon again, as they have it available HERE. All those people you told about all the other stuff? While they’re here….
• Speaking of Mickey & Maj… you know, during their travels, one or the other of them usually took selfies along the way and made notes for a scrapbook they may be able to share with Mickey’s parents some day. Well, those selfies are yours for the looking at, because “Mickey & Maj, The Selfies” is also available at Amazon and you can snatch it up HERE. And don’t forget the part about telling people.
• Finally… send the kids out of the room, so I can remind you about The Swede. He’s a hit man who likes to snap necks and is very efficient about it. Designed for a more mature audience who will admire a mostly visual story, this first volume gives us a peek at three of his assignments. The Swede is available — you’re not going to believe this — on Amazon and can be found HERE. Now, you can tell people in pretty much Amy country that has Amazon, too. 

I think that’s it for plugs. I’m exhausted. 

Don’t worry, this is the last part…..

So, in 20 odd years, there were 4 different cinematic productions of the Fantastic Four, featuring 3 casts. But who did it best? 

Let’s ‘s start with Reed. Mr. Fantastic is always the biggest hurdle because introducing his stretching ability in a live action format can easily look more embarrassing than cool and often does. But while the 2015 version had the best FX budget of the lot, it barely showed the ability anyway and really, this is all about who played the part the best. Who best brought Reed Richards to life? I have to eliminate Miles Teller, just as I do the rest of the 2015 production because again, they weren’t playing anything like the characters I knew and that was by design anyway. Even the brilliant Michael B Jordan as the Torch. And Ioan Gruffud (pronounced Ian Griffith), was a very sedate and wish washy Reed that was “okay” but never impressive enough. Maybe it was an after effect of Gruffud having to do an American accent, I don’t know. No, I have to say that the best Reed was actually best represented by Alex Hyde White from the Corman production. Hyde White’s Reed was confident and brilliant but not arrogant and even hampered by the rather unforgiving spandex, he managed a quiet dignity in the part.

Sue’s bit tough. In the comics, the character was very much a put upon, fragile and “delicate” woman of the 1960’s, subject to the whims and chauvinism of the times. She really came into her own as a more layered and powerful woman during John Byrne’s run in the 1980’s. But as to who most accurately represented her from the comic? Who brought her to life the best? That’s tough, as none of them really stood out head and shoulders among the others, but I think Rebecca Staab gets the nod. 

Michael Chiklis wins as we compare Ben Grimm as he’s the best actor of the bunch who also got closest to the character. Ben could be a complex character as he was naturally very bitter and devastated after his transformation. Chiklis carried it off very well and kept a decent balance between the anger, disappointment and humor. But as far as the look of the Thing, that’s a closer contest. Chiklis had the full body suit and the prosthetics but could still talk and you could see his eyes, as that’s very important for an actor. It also helps the other actors to be able to talk to someone in person during a scene, act to someone who’s in the room as opposed to a CGI character they add in later. But Michael Bailey Smith in the Corman production had maybe the best Thing costume of all–whether he was actually in it at all, I don’t know. It had a more pronounced brow, was a darker rocky orange and quite impressive, even if talking in it was not quite as successful. But both could move and fight in scenes. 2015’s Thing was an impressive CGI monster, but even farther away from the established character than his teammates were with theirs. It looked more like Korg from Ragnarok and was about 7 or 8 feet tall.  

That’s always been a bugaboo with me. You get comic artists who come on to draw the FF or the Thing guest starring in some book, etc. Some of these people draw been 7, 8 or 10 feet tall, towering over everyone. Wrong. Yeah, artistic license–blow me. If you just *have* to draw a giant monster and just want to ignore the proper look of the character, and editors don’t have the balls to do their job and correct you, just get over yourself and maybe respect the character. The Thing is six foot at most. Part of his charm is that he’s not as tall as the Hulk, or Sasquatch or Colossus or Juggernaut. He’s pretty much regular height. The slab of rocks in the 2015 film looked interesting but was not the Thing. 

Although Jay Underwood did a good job of depicting Johnny Storm, Chris Evans, as usual really took the character to the next level. Underwood’s portrayal *was* closer to the comics but again, Evans not only inhabited the character but somehow reinvented it, so he gets the nod. Wonder whatever happened to him?

Doctor Doom’s ranking is a sad state of affairs, as he hasn’t even shown up properly since the Corman film. Joseph Culp was fine as Victor, who was properly scarred in an explosion and returns later as the armored megalomaniac, Doctor Doom. He doesn’t have any powers–as it should be — just an accurate and menacing suit of armor, plans for world domination, and revenge on Reed Richards. Another point for the Corman production. In several instances, even though they didn’t have anything remotely close to a humane budget, they did go out of their way to get things *right*, even if the end result wasn’t as spectacular as one might have hoped. 

So, in the end, we had Corman giving us the best Reed, Doom, and maybe Sue, while the 2005 and ’07 productions gave us the best Ben and Johnny. I’m glad we settled that, since nobody was asking. Who’s going to be cast when Marvel does their version? Who do I want them to cast? Don’t know, but I still trust Marvel. I would be interested in seeing them doing it as a period piece that takes place in 1961. It would tie in nicely to have a cameo by Peggy Carter and Shield, maybe even a young Hank Pym, but it taking place back then would also set it apart from the regular MCU and give us yet another setting and theme — 1960’s and monsters, via the Moleman and his minions. A big budget cinematic reimagining of FF #1 would be great. Leave Doom out of it, except for a cameo in the post credits.  Maybe he shows up in the second one and maybe do the Coming of Galactus properly in the third. Director Peyton Reed, who directed the Ant-man films, is a good friend of Kevin Feige and has stated –and pitched– in the past that he would love to set an FF film in the ’60’s. So who knows? Absolutely anything can happen in the MCU, from Thanos to Howard the Duck, anywhere from Wakanda to Asgard because the thing IS.

In 2015, with the clock running out on Fox’s possession of the rights to the Fantastic Four on film, they decided to film another one at the eleventh hour, thus keeping the FF hostage at Fox for another seven years. The calibre of film was a bit suspicious as well. They hired Josh Trank to direct the film. Trank’s big claim to fame was Chronicle, a very well done, low budget project that was a cross between a “found footage” doc and a superhero film. I’m only speculating here but if Fox was anxious to just get something out there as a placeholder to maintain the rights, it’s very possible they’d want to keep the budget as low as possible at the same time. 

Now, during filming, it eventually became apparent that all was not well on the set. At one point, Trank would just retreat to his trailer and not come out. Later, he was basically fired and there were some reshoots. Obviously *something* was going on behind the scenes. For the longest time after it are out, word of mouth had it that this film was shunned as the rankest piece of garbage anywhere and I had no interest in seeing it. For all intents and purposes, it seemed as if there were a lot of bizarre and just plain stupid decisions.

Evidently, a young Ben Grimm would get beaten by his brother, who’d always say “It’s Clobberin’ Time”. Once again, Von Doom would be involved in the accident that gave them powers and would once again go all robot or something. This iteration was also more loosely based on The Ultimate Fantastic Four comic. This wasn’t the original FF but one from a different universe, all part of the Marvel Ultimate universe, where Reed and Ben weren’t older veterans around 40 but closer to 21. It also wasn’t a real great comic that didn’t even do that well in sales, so to base a movie on it…? And of course the biggest head scratcher was that Sue’s brother Johnny was now black. We just assumed a mixed race family but you’d think it would have just been easier to just make Reed or Ben black, if you absolutely felt like you had to suddenly make one of the team black. A lot of unusual choices.

Eventually, I had the opportunity to see the film on cable and figured, what he’ll. Let’s see how bad it actually is. I’ve sat through Batman & Robin, I’ve sat through The Spirit, so I should be able to take this. 

It actually was quite good. For the first 45 minutes or hour. I mean, it wasn’t the FF I knew by any means but instead, that first hour was a really gripping Twilight Zone episode. It approached the team members, their accident and its effects like a kind of scientific horror show. What would really happen if someone went through this and managed to live. Imagine the horror of seeing yourself on fire. Or being strapped to a table and having your limbs forcibly stretched out and restrained. Or simply not being able to see yourself. Imagine being this giant, monstrous creature made of crumbling stone. They showcased the real nightmare this would be. In fact, I highly recommend watching the first hour. It seems to be Trank’s vision and it all works magnificently on its own as a horror film.

But then something happened. That last half hour was when things shifted. Now I can see why Trank was retreating into his trailer and eventually got fired. It’s apparent that Fox wanted to stop Trank’s version, shift away from the sci-fi horror, and pivot to good old fashion superhero versus super villain. And in that shift, they lost their momentum, the narrative, and a chunk of the acting as well. I think the crew would have all been happier seeing Trank’s vision though to the end. Ah well. It was that hostile takeover and dopey shift that sunk the film–at least as far as it being a good film. Even if they stuck with Trank’s vision to the end, it might have been an excellent film all the way through, but it wouldn’t have been the FF as I or any fan know them. And while that’s not horrible, it is disappointing, this being the fourth film made about this team. 3/10, and it’s that high because the first hour was intriguing. 

Since then, Disney and Marvel actually acquired the rights for The FF and the X-men, getting them back from Fox by basically buying Fox, or at least the entertainment portion of it. So cheers were loud and glasses were raised. The Fantastic Four had come home at last.

Now, we wait. Probably until 2022, since we haven’t heard anything yet from Fiege, about casting, a time table, etc., which is ironic because if Fox still had the rights, they’d have to shove something out there again by 2022 just to keep ’em, because the Thing IS. 

Tomorrow, (the royal) we wrap up FF cinema week with my all star cast…

In 2007, Fox got the band back together to try and improve on the modest profit the first FF film netted. All the pluses and minuses of the first movie (FF good, Doom is crap, some fun and action, no EPIC feel), were all copied and pasted into Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Really, they just added the Surfer to the party and he was really maybe the best thing about it. Looked great and voiced by Lawrence Fishburne. Yes, there was a bit too much goofy centered around the bachelor party and the vows, yeah -tightrope- and if you’re coming late to this blog, you can find the previous two parts right before this in the queue — but anyway, they did indeed *flirt* with some EPIC as when the Surfer arrives, it certainly feels like something big is up, but that’s as close to the EPIC feeling that we get.

The producers screw up big time here, because they try to take two incredible stories from the history of the comic and blend them together. The Coming of Galactus and  when Doom stole the Surfer’s power. First…you don’t co-opt the Coming of Galactus. He IS the story, not some side effect. Doom should not even be IN this movie, especially not as when being played by Crappy MacMahon. 

In the comics, some 55 years ago, a universal force of nature named Galactus hungers, and when this happens, he sends his silver herald ahead to find a planet with the appropriate amount of life saving energy, that the big G might go there and consume it, thus destroying all life on earth. Here, amidst Doom taking the Surfer’s power and trading punches with the FF, Galactus is represented as a cosmic storm that approaches but is somehow totally repelled by the creature who serves it — the Surfer.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. When Galactus showed up — in person– in the comics, this 30 foot giant set down in mid Manhattan on a sunny afternoon and proceeded to assemble his giant devices of extermination and extraction, while the populace went nuts, as first, this was the first time there was a huge alien incursion in the MU back then, plus it kind of seemed to them like God came for a visit and it was all over for earth. Armageddon. End of days. In this movie, Galactus was a spooky storm that came and went. Misplayed and totally screwed up on this one when it came to the Big G. The whole power swapping gimmick was also unwieldy and got old quick.

Still, nice performances by Fishburne and Andre Bougher who played the general. Unfortunately, this one was not as good as the first and that was reflected in the box office too. I guess the plan was for Fox to expand and do a Surfer film. Bleh.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer – 6/10.

Next, Fox really screws the pooch. And the director!

I AM making a week out of it!

In 2005, Fox tried to launch an FF series of movies to go along with their popular X-men franchise. It made total sense, as when you think of the Crown Jewels of Marvel franchise properties, Spider-man was already 2 films in over at SONY and Fox had a few films already out featuring the extremely popular children of the atom. The Fantastic Four would be the next in line for a popular film franchise. Remember, this was 2005. The world at large *kinda* knew the Hulk and Cap but had no clue who Iron Man, Thor, Hawkeye, Nick Fury or Black Widow were. That would change in 2008 with the first Iron man film, but that was yet to come.

I think the biggest thing this FF film had going for it was a young Kevin Fiege, who was a part of the production team. But he wasn’t the boss. That would only come in his next job. But I can’t help but feel he was responsible for everything this film and its sequel got right. Michael Chiklis was a pretty good choice to play Ben Grimm, I suppose we could do worse than Jessica Alba as Sue, Ioan Gruffud would have played Reed a lot better if the writing didn’t make him so wimpy and Chris Evans…well, suffice to say, best representation of the Human Torch ever. 

All that being said, creating an FF film can be tricky. The four protagonists have a very different dynamic than any other team, being more of a close knit family of explorers, than they are superheroes who fight crime. When making a film like this, you need some subtle humor and heart, some pulse pounding action, some intense drama and a whole lot of EPIC. Director Tim Story was able to provide the first three elements to varying degrees but totally failed to deliver on the fourth. This disappointment mostly came from the villain’s side of things. In fact, I think we can lay the lions share of the blame on what went wrong with this picture (and the next) on how the producers and director approached Victor Von Doom and the particular threat level he posed.

Julian MacMahon was hired to play Doom. I suspect that this being Fox, there was some pressure to hire within the Fox and FX family of actors. That might explain  Chiklis as well, coming from The Shield, but it’s really the only excuse I can think of for them hiring this no talent hack MacMahon to play Victor. This guy couldn’t even manage a slight European accent. He had not one tenth of the gravitas needed for the role, nor the skill. The producers also gave him powers by having him suffer the same exposure to cosmic rays as the FF. Okay, I get the economical storytelling advantage of introducing everyone at once but everything about this set up was distasteful. Doom usually wouldn’t have powers, instead, he relied on his intellect to construct his amazing armor and weaponry. Here, he’s just a nut with zapping powers. Also, Von Doom and Sue were an item? Reed is indecisive and subservient to Victor because his company took off and he needs the money….eh. 

A couple too many things are played for laughs but again, this is a bit of a tightrope. Now, the final confrontation and battle with Doom is pretty good! Reed finally completes his “journey” and decisively calls the shots that take down Doom. 

Almost forgot, the extremely beautiful Kerry Washington plays blind sculptress Alicia Masters and she and Chiklis’ Ben make a decent couple. But Chris Evans does steal the show, not only as the Human Torch but as the irrepressible Johnny Storm. 

The SFX are good, although this film is often chided for feeling more like a TV movie and I get it, because JUST NOT ENOUGH EPIC. Not every film can be Endgame but you’ve got to dial up the epic when dealing with the Fantastic Four. Bottom line on this entry, 2005’s Fantastic Four: 7/10

Next, a lotta gas.

I’m kicking off what I’m now going to call “Fantastic Fridays” because why not?

Although there’ve been some good bits and highlights, for the most part, the poor FF have not had a lot of luck at the cinema. Attempts have been made, but by and large, they’ve fallen short. As we wait for Kevin Feige to give us news, hope, casting info and a time table for when a Marvel owned and controlled FF film will FINALLY come out, I think about what has gone before. 

Back in the early 1990’s, Roger Corman and Constantine films put together The Fantastic Four with 4 unknowns (Alex Hyde-White/Reed, Rebecca Staab/Sue, Jay Underwood/Johnny, Michael bailey smith/Ben) playing the FF and another Joseph culp) portraying Dr. Doom. This was very sad, in that while the cast and crew really put their heart into the production and gave it their all, it was doomed, excuse the pun. There’s even a documentary about it on Amazon Prime, I believe, called “Doomed”. Turns out, the studio never had any intention of putting the film in theaters, it was just a business maneuver. I forget whether it was just to test the waters regarding what *could* be done with a big budget or just a place holder to keep the rights.

It really was a shame because it’s actually not *that* bad of a film. Oh, it’s not great by any stretch (sorry), but it’s not as bad as many make it out to be. One reason is the quality of the copy you watched. Most of us diehard FF fans first saw this movie on a bootleg VHS tape in the ’90’s. And it wasn’t just a copy, it was A FIFTH GENERATION COPY. The picture quality was horrific and certainly didn’t do the scenery and lighting  any favors. The sound was also bad which effected how we heard lines delivered, etc. The *only* reason I know this is because I eventually watched a better copy on YouTube. Still wasn’t pristine by any means but a much cleaner copy. It gave me the opportunity to watch it again with a more critical and appraising eye. 

First, the lack of a budget is apparent regarding special effects and animation and that they were kept to a minimum. But it *must* be acknowledged that they shot the whole film for 1 million dollars. That’s nothing. Any old low budget rom com of the day back then would cost a lot more, nevermind a sci-fi superhero film with prosthetics and special effects! Back then, a standard, 45 minute episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation cost over 2 million — every week!  The Thing’s costume took alone took up half the budget. And it was worth it — it looked great, right down to the independent motors that moved his mouth.

 

Maybe it was my exposure to Doctor Who in the ’60’s, ’70’s and ’80’s and watching what they tried to do on an even worse budget. Either way, it didn’t look that bad. They got the FF’s costumes right but timing is everything, and currently in the comic, the FF still had the blue costumes with the white collars, boots, gloves and belt. It took the right artist to make that work in the comic and the film would have been better off with the black boots, gloves, etc.  Live and learn. Doctor Doom’s costume was also great and so far, in every way, it’s STILL the best Dr. Doom we’ve had so far, period. There was mocking of his voice, not being able to understand him behind the mask. A lot easier with the cleaner film copy. But it’s always easier to mock.

 

There were problems, in that the acting was uneven, some of the dialog was so-so, The Jeweler was a villain no one really wanted and Doom’s thugs were mostly unwanted comic relief. There was a side story about some gem blah blah blah but the FF’s final confrontation with Doom, Johnny racing the laser beam (choreography mapped out on an old Fleischer Superman cartoon) and Reed’s final face off with Doom was actually vintage comic book FF. They even honored the comic by having the team in costume for Reed and Sue’s wedding. We won’t dwell on the rubber hand at the end.

In the end, even though the project was sabotaged from the beginning, it was a labor of love for everyone involved. It’s a real shame that even now, I don’t believe there’s any chance of it ever being remastered or even released on DVD for whatever reason.   As for rating it, I can only imagine the further subtle change upward in quality with a pristine print of the film but taking all things into consideration regarding what they wanted to do and what we got: Roger Corman’s FF: 5/10

Next: Fox takes their shots…

As a rule, I don’t often leave the house. This is known. I’m also not a huge fan of nature. More often than not, it annoys me. This too, is known but if nature doesn’t bother me, I usually won’t bother it. So odds are, at no point in the future will I be in the jungle. It’s also unlikely that I’ll be in a dog pound during a rabies outbreak and cages with weak padlocks. So admittedly, it’s somewhat unusual that I sometimes have imaginary battles with animals in the wild or mean dogs, just to try and approximate my chances of success and against what type of animal, it’s weight class and natural weaponry, while my only advantages are a jacket, some keys and my wits.

At some point, we’ve all imagined which animals we might beat in a fight. Well that’s the supposition I’m going with. Those who haven’t wondered this, I pity you if you’re ever in the jungle and think you’ll remain unclawed, unbitten or uneaten. Or at a rabid dog pound where there’s been an escape. 

Putting yourself in the scenario, I think it’s reasonable to assume one minute. You could reasonable have one minute, *maybe* only 30 seconds to prepare for the attack. Because you don’t know how long they’ve been staring at you, tracking you, sensing your strengths, weaknesses, getting a whiff of you, sizing up your scent. With more advance warning, you could probably eat something insane hours before and lay down an horrific scent that might work to your advantage but let’s table that tactic for now.

You’ve got 30 seconds to a minute to prepare. First, you have no idea what’s going to be coming at you but you do whatever you can to prepare. Start by taking off your jacket/coat/sweatshirt and wrapping it tightly around your forearm. I’d say, if you’re right handed, wrap your left forearm and vice versa. If you are in the jungle, it’s hot but you should probably have long sleeves of some sort to protect you from bug bites. If you only have a t-shirt or kerchief, well, wrap whatever you can around that forearm because that’s your shield against teeth and claws. 

In your dominant hand, take out your keys. I don’t care if you’re in the jungle, if you’re anything like me, you feel naked and unprepared if you don’t have your keys and I’ll bet you’re glad you brought them with you now! So grip the key ring and fob in such a way as to have the keys jutting forth from between your fingers — ladies, you know the self defense drill. You get your Wolverine claws ready to jab and stab. You are as ready as you’re going to be. I really didn’t plan on talking this much about prep but now I’m glad I did. Even in an imaginary animal battle to the death, it’s good to be prepared. 

Now comes the sliding scale of what you might be able to survive. You’ve got your wrap guard to block with and you’ve got your claws to stab with.  Out comes a bear!

You’re dead. A bear’s got a massive size and weight advantage on you. What are you thinking? No hope there. Same with a lion. All muscle, claws and teeth. Although, with a lion, you’re basically dealing with a giant cat and it is said that if you do not show fear– because they smell fear– you can command the lion, show him who’s boss, shout him down. And while that’s interesting, I don’t know about you, but I can’t count on me *not* shitting myself if a lion jumps on me and yeah, the lion could jump right on top of you and you are done. So let’s scratch bears and lions and other several hundred pound jungle cats off the list. Panther? Too big. I remember Baghera from The Jungle book. Big cat. Tigers no, no no. 

But see, a cougar, maybe a 50 pounder…. that’s possible. Oh, you’re gonna get injured, no doubt about it. They are fast and they will slash you badly if you give them half a chance. If you’re lucky, you get it underneath you and body slam it, or stab it with your keys, before it takes your face off, slices up your arm, etc. it’s really risk vs reward at this point. And really it’s all risk because if you just take on the easy opponent and beat up a meerkat, no one’s going to give you any rewards. No, there’s little upside to this stupid, stupid mind game. 

Now, dogs. Same prep but you’ve got a bigger advantage. Their claws aren’t quite what a cougars are and they’re all about the bite, so your wrap comes in handy. If you’ve got the wrap and can jam your forearm in their jaws, partially negating their greatest weapon, then be the aggressor, really get feral, go all Bomba the jungle boy on the beast, you can probably maneuver yourself into a dominant position and put it down. The caveat there is that depending on the dog, if it’s a pit bull or German shepherd, it might chomp down and you might lose an arm, hey but you’ve won the battle!

Then you’ve got sea creatures — I never go that route because I’m not a big swimmer.  Oh, but alligators….. that’s actually a likely threat if you’re down in remote areas of Florida. They lay in wait in the weeds for joggers and they’re capable of immense speed for short distances, so if you see one spring out, run like hell.

Oh sure, you say “but Rick, all you have to do is clamp the gator’s mouth closed and he can’t open it!” This is true! But getting it closed is not that simple. Even if it was, did you know that an alligator can snap it’s tail in such a fashion, so quick, so strong, so brutal, that it can sever your spine? I will not even entertain an imaginary battle with a gator as it’s too scary. Plus, I do jog down in Florida and it creeps me out. A lot of weeds. Waiting. 

Christ, I hope I never have to fight an animal!

It’s 2AM. I wake up to a sharp, stabbing pain in my gut, with every shallow breath I take. I can’t even manage a big breath, because pain set up a helluva roadblock to it. I’m usually acutely aware of every nuance of what’s going on inside of me, what I need, etc. Of course this is comical because I obviously had no clue what was really going on inside me. So much for me being “aware”. 

I reached over and grabbed the iPad to see just exactly what organs fit the geographical spot where the pains were coming from but it seemed to be a cross section of possible offenders and I couldn’t give a positive ID. I didn’t dare start looking on Web MD because the outcome is *always*, without a doubt, cancer. Don’t need that!

So, I wake Linda and my immediate willingness to actually go to the ER is everything she needs to know. 20 minutes later, we’re entering the ER, explaining that I can’t even take shallow breaths because of the immense pain. She responds “you’re short of breath?”  NO, it *hurts* when I breathe so I’m *hesitant* to DO so. There’s a difference. Of course I then have to fill out paperwork as I try to not breathe and eventually, another 20 minutes goes by and I’m in an ER exam room. The nurse and I have the same debate about quality of breathing and eventually, she gives something for the pain and it’s a godsend. 

There’s a scan, the ER doc being evasive, admittance to a room, an attending that’s evasive, hours of no eating before a biopsy is taken. But see, I’m a halfway intelligent guy. I can read a situation. They let slip that it’s unheard of that the biopsy gets scheduled same day. Ah. All the docs up until now saying they want to “rule out” cancer. The nurses solemnly asking “Do you have help at home?” And of course the one straight shooter, the doc who did the biopsy. The nurses kept asking if I want to meet the doc. I said I don’t care, let’s do this—them eventually saying well he wants to meet *you*. Well just say that, for Christ’s sake! LET’S MOVE, PEOPLE! I’m laying there on my stomach, hooked up to endless machines, future uncertain, so get on with it!

So the doc comes over, shakes the part of my hand that isn’t engulfed with technology and says: “Mr. Lundeen, I’m doctor whatever and if I was going to Vegas, I’d bet everything that you’ve got Lymphoma. but we’ve got to make sure.” I say “Thanks. So glad we met.” Or some such thing, as the local was starting to take effect.

So, asshole or straight shooter? Depends on my mood but realistically, I’m the one who always wants to know where I stand. What the status is. He was straight with me when everyone else was evading. So in the end, I appreciated it, as at least it partially prepared me for the coming days, since they made me wait a whole week before they gave me the official diagnosis. 

I might give a shout out to some of these anniversaries as the weeks and months roll out. I’m hoping a bit of time might make some of them easier to talk about like Nightmare Week. I’ll need some distance there. 

Because… the thing IS.